Desicritics Author: thedeskjockey

That Sinking Feeling

thedeskjockey — Wed, 4 Mar 2009 06:39:11 EST

A day after the terrible attacks on Sri Lanka cricketers in Pakistan, the emotion has perhaps settled a little, but the strange sense of hopelessness has not. As I sit today reading through the details coming in through various outlets, it feels that there is no way you can be ready for this despite 60+ years of terrorism. And while I grow weary at the renewed finger pointing across the border (haven’t we had enough of that in the last 4 months?), a couple of things don’t make sense to me at all

1) Why would the terrorists, who have unashamedly killed innocent women and children before, have any qualms about killing high profile cricketers? If their intent is to destabilize the ruling powers, anyone is fair game. So where does the confidence on cricketers being safe, come from?

2) Why is it important to stage cricket games to prove a point? When did cricketers become diplomats or statesmen for their countries? And what if the tour had gone without incident? All it proves, and has proved in the past, is that the security was tight or the terrorists didn’t think it worthy enough of their time. It doesn’t automatically make Pakistan a safer place, nor does it force other countries to reverse their decisions. This leaves the door open to just one disturbing possibility – money.

The Indian team luckily or prudently decided not to tour Pakistan. And the thought of seeing Tendulkar’s and Dhoni’s name substituted for Samaraweera and Paranavithana fuels the worst of what-if fears in us. However, the biggest losers in this are Pakistan cricket and the state of Pakistan as a whole. And somehow, I feel sad for the people living in the country; saddled with the worst of regimes, facing the worst of uncertainties, and living in fear of the worst of the backlashes from the rest of the world.

Several years back, when I was still in university, I had the pleasure of having a Pakistani as my neighbor. Now like the average Indian who viewed their country through the same blood tainted lens the politicians paint for us, I was a little vary and perhaps remained even a little distant to him. However like all guys in general we bonded one day over a glass of vodka (which I was surprised that he was willing to drink despite his religion), a guitar and a lot of good food. And while discussing various topics in general, we inevitably came to the subject of tensions between our countries. And he made a few points that touched me immensely. He said, “I am proud to be a Pakistani, yet there is no one who appreciates that”. “People here in the US have sympathy for the Iraqi, muted admiration or fascination for the Iranian and are just in plain awe of the Indians and Chinese. But when I mention that I am a Pakistani, they reserve their contempt masked by patronizing dismissal only for us”. And he continued by saying that one day, he wanted to see his own country stand tall for its achievements and not its dubious relationships. He said that the average Pakistani is yearning to be a citizen of the world and not unofficially belong to the official “Axis of Evil”. And finally I asked him if he would ever marry an American and he said he would, if she would convert to Islam. What about an Indian? He said he could never return to his country. And that saddened me because I might have given the same answer regarding marriage to a Pakistani. As much as we would like to break our shackles, we still feel incredibly burdened by our past.

That is precisely why I don’t feel the necessity to call out the hollowness of calls to visit the country. Neither do I want to succumb to the urge to wrap this situation in an incredibly funny yet disturbing way. Because the fault does not lie with the people making these calls. Because as much as we are led to believe that Pakistan’s failure lies in harboring and nurturing terrorism, that notion is fundamentally wrong. Their failure lies in its inability to give the average citizen the opportunity to flourish and prosper in this world. Its failure lies in its inability to clearly define a vision for its country. And its failure lies in ignoring the basic pillars that build a successful state of governance – education, infrastructure and economy. By allowing the military to rule the roost at the forefront or behind the scenes, they pretty much guaranteed that they would always make the wrong friends – the Taliban, or make friends for the wrong reasons – the USA.

And not all countries are completely successful at containing terrorism and unrest. India’s extreme economical progress masks a lot of its own problems with the Hindu fundamentalists and Naxalites. Even the USA with all its mighty technology and prosperity could do nothing to contain the widespread crime, rioting and looting in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Eventually, when you remove hope from a person, he/she very rapidly descends down a path of destruction. Now apply that to a significant majority of a country’s population and you get one giant terrorist state.

In the wake of these attacks, it is obviously easy to want to isolate Pakistan from the rest of the world. However an isolated Pakistan is not only ripe for the taking for the likes of JeM, LeT, Harkat and the Taliban, but it also means that India would become the new Israel – having Pakistan, Bangladesh, China and Sri Lanka as our neighbors.

And that possibility is a lot more disturbing than the current state of affairs.

Aamchi Sarkar Raj

thedeskjockey — Sun, 4 Jan 2009 04:53:17 EST

There is something uniquely mystifying about visionaries. They think on a level we take years, decades, perhaps even generations to understand. But when we do, we are awestruck with the grandness of their plan. Which is why you should all think twice before dissing one of the grandest visionaries of our time – Raj Thackerey.

Seriously, who thinks of a party name which includes the word “Navnirman” whose prime motto is to drive out anybody who can do “nirman” but cannot speak Marathi? Who can think of doing something more symbolic than digging up cricket pitches just because they hate Pakistan and hence Pakistani cricketers? Who dares to dream beyond the unscrupulous secularism of our country that forces us to live with those geeky Madrasis, loud Sardarjis and unintelligible Bengalis? It requires a special kind of visionary and orator to feed such grand plans down the throats of people who call themselves soldiers or “sainiks” but yet resemble the neighborhood gang who breaks windows and vandalizes walls just because they believe in their brand of coolness.

Other such visionaries that come to mind are Osama Bin Laden, Pol Pot, Benito Mussolini and of course Hitler, who the venerable Balasaheb, Raj’s uncle and one time mentor, admires to such an extent that he made statements to the effect "I am (the Hitler) of the whole of Maharashtra and want to be of whole of India." and my personal favorite, "If the Muslims of India behave as the Jews in Germany did, they will deserve the same treatment". Priceless wisdom!

To understand Raj, you would have to understand his grand visions right from his younger days when he wanted to take his skills as a cartoonist and film maker to Walt Disney Studios. However, his love for the Marathi Manoos kept him within the confines of Maharashtra. The world’s loss of Walt Disney Marathi themed cartoons was the average Marathi Joe’s (lets call him “Joe-kar”) gain. The sacrifices the man and his family have made! Think of a conversation his little son Amit might have with him

Amit: Dad, I want to have a birthday party for all my friends!
Raj: Sure buddy, now who do you want to call?
Amit: The Khans?
Raj: Nope, we hate them. None of them speak Marathi.
Amit: The Bachchans?
Raj: Are you kidding? After we threw bottles at their house and called Jaya an old witch?
Amit: Sigh. How about the Tendulkars?
Raj: Dude, unfortunately we don’t like Gujjus either! You know, Anjali is one. I mean really, those fat businessmen eat undiyo-jalebi-fafda and fart all day in an AC train compartment with no outlet for all that smell.
Amit: Never mind dad! Let’s just do a family thing.
Raj: Now that’s my boy. See you are picking up on our family motto already…”All in the family”.

Shame on all the political commentators, media persons and so called experts who claim that the man is a divisive force in a united India. Really? Come on here to the US in any university and you’ll see the Tamilian share a 2 bedroom apartment with 10 other Tamilians but won’t live with the 2 Delhi-waalas across the street. The Mumbaikar prefers to live with his fellow denizens ‘coz he can’t quite understand the frugality fuss of the Andhra dudes. And the Gujarati Patel won’t even live with the Shahs ‘coz his daddy told him they are not nice people. So if people naturally confirm to the people within the people theory, why decry a man who calls it like it is and encourages other people to do the same? You can imagine my angst at all this when I’ve used the word "people" 4 times in the last sentence.

So what if he encourages taking out anything and everything related to Pakistan? For e.g., nobody seems to like Atif Aslam’s quivering voice [video link 1][video link 2]. And how many books from famous Pakistani authors can you name anyway?

So what if he wants migrants from UP and Bihar to leave the state? Isn’t the average gunda in the movies always portrayed from these states?

It’s about time we got a guy named Raj who has some balls and breaks the unfortunate image we have associated with that name. It’s about time we got someone who cared enough to bring the plight of his people out in the open. And it’s about time that people get past the violent demonstrations, the jingoistic speeches and the lack of any contribution from him. For the true genius of a vision lies in the patience of the people to wait a reeeeeeeally long time for it.

While the tone of this post may be satirical, my heart remains firmly on his side. And being a non-marathi, I pledge my support to his cause by staying far far away from his beloved state.

Pope Benedict XVI - Homo-Sensitive?

thedeskjockey — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:46:17 EST

In an age of mindless killing, misinterpreted religion and questionable politics comes an earth shattering revelation by the apostle of the Almighty Himself. According to the revered Pope Benedict XVI, one of the biggest threats to the Homo Sapiens kind on earth is well….being homo. It ain't the overstretched war or the mindless death of a sixty year old mother or the spread of a disease mostly due to apathy. No Siree Bob (who is also gay by the way)! The male lip-lock and old time girl-on-girl action makes the protectors of God’s creations cringe in as much horror as we would if we saw a character, God forbid, have an extra marital affair in a Sooraj Barjatya movie.

While I myself am unaffected by the sexual preference of people around me, I am very aware of coming from a country which has been distinctly homophobic for a long time. Even Bollywood which, according to Madhur Bhandarkar, is filled to the brim with consenting adults of the same-sex/bisexual variety, seems to be leaden footed in maturely portraying a gay relationship. While the incredibly moronic Girlfriend carried the message that all lesbians are pouty, crazy bitches, Tarun Mansukhani had us believing in Dostana that the difference between gay and straight men is that the former look or talk like extended cousins of Bobby Darling (ironic, considering Tarun is Karan Johar’s protégé).

So what is it that causes homosexuality to stand out like a beacon to an 81 year old among all the ills afflicting the world? To put this post in context, here is the excerpt from his speech to the Vatican staff that’s causing all the heartburn (the type that cannot be cured by Eno/Pudin Hara).

“It is not out-of-date metaphysics to speak of human nature as 'man' or woman'. It comes from the language of creation, despising which would mean self-destruction for humans. […] Gender theories lead to man's "auto-emancipation" from creation and Creator. […] Rain forests deserve, yes, our protection but the human being... does not deserve it less”

The Pope actually denouncing it is not a surprise. Almost all religious texts soundly condemn it and any sexual acts around it. However, as much as the moral police would like us to believe that there is a line in the sand, people suffer from that uncontrollable ill that plagues, at least, the civilized world; as Morgan Freeman playing God tells Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty, the one of “free will” or “choice”. Now choice comes with its own baggage. Is homosexuality something you are born with or is it something you turned to because your last 3 heterosexual relationships were with alcoholic biker dudes/supremely boring bimbettes with IQs of a teacup? And do we really have the right to begrudge you a committed loving relationship even if it was with someone within your gender? Are gays never people of God or vice-versa? If the Pope were to be believed, the moment you step over the line, the sin committed is on par with greedy destruction of Mother Nature’s delicate balance. And therein precisely lies the problem of the message – where you decry racism, apartheid, caste systems, religious killing and slavery on one hand, but willing to outcast people because of their sexual preference on the other.

Perhaps we have let our moral compasses become too blurred to see the big picture…perhaps we prefer to see the goodness in people outside of what they do behind closed doors….or perhaps, just perhaps when we send our prayers upwards, we hope that God showers His blessings without discrimination.

Movie Review: Gh-aaa-jini - The Tale in 15 Minutes

thedeskjockey — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 04:01:05 EST

I've got a splitting headache...no no, it isn't the 2 glasses of wine or the Himesh Reshammiya album that I listened to. It probably is the jarring crescendo everytime Aamir Khan's socket popping eyes appear on screen...every 15 minutes. I mean thats a hard life isn't it? Here we are, trying to live down our past and forget that time when we left our zip open in front of that gal we were trying to impress...or the time when we got drunk in the office party and puked on the dance floor...sheesh, I'd like to sign up for that anterobabblefrothgulpgulpgrade amnesia please. The things I usually do in life are not worth remembering 15 minutes later anyway.

Not the case for Mr. Sanjay Singhania though. He runs a business empire, falls in love with sickly sweet common girl named Kalpana (can't resist the "agar tum Kalpana ki chaddi pehnoge..." PJs) who can do no sin which, apparently what her real name means, and gets socked on the head because no-sin girl pokes her nose in titular bad-guy's dirty business. And then he goes on a killing spree to get to bad guy, rebooting every 15 minutes like an old laptop with an irritating virus. And that essentially is the gist of the story...which looks and sounds like any old Sunny Deol movie we've seen minus all the cockroach stomping dancing and plus a new medical term for us to remember (apart from Tendulkar's tennis elbow and Rajesh Khanna's lymphosarcoma of the intestine) and a finely rippled Aamir who looks like he also took a dose of steroids every 15 minutes apart from the numerous polaroids and notes.

There is something to be said about the whole saga though. I mean we don't get a lot of movies titled after the bad guy. Kill Bill was one such movie where Mr. Bill lives upto the hype when he finally appears on screen. Ghajini, by the by, I thought initially meant elephant...you know like to remind us of the elephant in the room when no-sin and crazy-tycoon were doing their frolicking. But it apparently comes with an incredible back story (thankfully, not part of the movie) with an unexpected twist on a name...but I digress. Mr. Ghajini, though, ain't no Bill. He is the hackneyed Bihari/Haryanvi goonda with "terror-inducing" lines like "Aaee Saale, main tuhje khatam kar dunga", which actually is less scary than watching Aamir Khan scream. He is also rather inexplicably, the head of a pharmaceutical company. This may be the first time when we have seen the effects of recession been shown on screen with the head of a company supplementing his income by human trafficking.

The one effect of this, that lasts longer than 15 minutes is the feeling that this is not an Aamir Khan movie. The finesse and class associated with his previous movies is just not there. It feels more like a huge ego trip for the actor where he matches the other Khans in body and the Deols in brute force.

And caught in the middle is poor ol' me...looking for a Disprin, which ironically claims to cure this headache in...wait for it....15 minutes.