MiKajal Jackson's BAD!

cowtsetung — Wed, 1 Feb 2006 12:02:05 EST

Just when I was fantasizing about Kajol (not 'cajole'), dreaming of our honeymoon, and wild nights of passionate love-making and vase-breaking, what does my stupid sexretary come and do - she not only catches me in a compromising position with my portable hard drive, but she also breaks the news that our flunky sleuths, in conjunction with some forensics experts have come to the shocking conclusion that THIS...

...indeed is American child-molester, and sometime King of Plop [he nearly dropped his baby], Michael Jackson. I am disgusted with myself.

Evidence in favor of our report included the trademark hand on the crotch, badly done eyebrows, raven [Quoth the raven, 'NEVERMORE'!] hair parted in the middle, a black robe traditionally worn by the female of the species, and of course, that uncanny facial resemblance.

Other sources tell us MKaJal was moonwalking at this party - isn't THAT proof enough? No? Okay, how's this top secret closeup?

Ajay Devgan and I are suing Mickey Contractor and Cory Walia for being such exceptional ~~makeup~~ con artistes.

What's Michael Jackson doing in Bollywood, trying to pass off as Kajol? Wasn't he supposed to be buying lingerie in Bahrain or something?

Sponsored by: Al Jeera 'The Cumin' Network - We Put The Masala (spice) In The News

Who (Wal)Farted?

cowtsetung — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 21:28:51 EST

Did you hear about the great American supermarket icon, WalFart, investing in India? Yes, WalFart Claus is coming to (Indian) town(s). And just to rile up the skeptics, we're going to do a case-by-case analysis of what the advent of the great American supermarket giant means for YOU, my fellow dhoti.

Lets start right at the top of the food chain. If you're a politician, a.k.a. neta, you can now receive higher kickbacks. Yes, netaji, WalFart believes in the common good of the upper political echelons. Common, alright. I mean, "common [COME ON, c'mon, PLEASE] yaar, don't be so cynical".

If you're a cricketer in the twilight of his lackluster 45,000 year career, guess what? You can finally cut a multi-crore deal with a multinational sweatshop, just like your better known teammates, Saurav Goonguly, SharkFin Tendulkar, and Growl Rabid. For so long, Mike-y, TreeBok and the like have denied you - but now, fear not, you can endorse nameless brand sports-chappals [cross-trainer-thongs] for WalFart. Best thing? Because they're dirt cheap, everyone can afford them, including yourself, and since everyone can afford them, maybe everyone will buy them, which might mean greater popularity for YOU, which in turn might mean a deal with IMG, which might mean a bigger, better, fatter paycheck. Woohoo! No more working out, or undergoing boring fielding drills - just relaxation in your ultra-comfortable WalFart sports-chappals, playing poker online with your WalFart sports-chappal endorsement fee. Life couldn't be better.

If you're a gangster or local goonda, like me, this is probably life's big break. Think about it - loaded WalFart executives, one hit, and your life's made. A ticket to Vanuatu, or the Cayman Islands, and the cops can bite into gobar cakes. Goodbye silly havaldars, and stingy dukaandaars. Alternatively, if you're one of those patriotic goondas, you might wish to stay on in India, and become a WalFart henchman, breaking every bone of every WalFart dissenter's body. WalFart will even give you, Mr Pehelwan, free doodh-badaam from their dairy and dry-fruit aisles!

Are you a kiranawala [grocery store-owner]? Dude, you could be a WalFart store manager! What are you doing running a cost-inefficient family business you despise, which barely makes you enough money to go buy a McDonald's Kiddie Meal? Even better, you could form a "cartel" with fellow owners from your "mohalla's" kirana stores, and open a joint WalFart franchise, by tearing down those walls that separate your respective shops. You could then appoint yourselves as "store managers", and your children could be "department managers", preserving that strong tradition of nepotism. And what's more, you could win some ~~meaningless~~ award for communal harmony and unity, with your corrupt neighbourhood neta [MLA/MLC] felicitating you at a lavish ceremony, funded by YOUR money! You couldn't possibly imagine what WalFart would do for your social standing. Your wife could even join the local snoots' kitty-party club, after all those years of trying to sneak in through the aayah's door!

Additionally, you will have the benefit of access to systems like state-of-the-art supply chain management [yes, your super-kirana-store will be SAP-enabled!], and Just-In-Time inventories. Don't know how to use a computer? What's RFID? Shrinkage-control? Fear not, WalFart will spend squillions on educating you! Yes, believe me, believe Dan 'The Automator', and believe De La Soul when we sing "If It Wasn't For You...".

By now, you must be thinking, aren't WalFart just the most charitable, most generous, most considerate corporation ever? Think of what our entry into the Indian market is going to do for India's literacy rate!! The mere thought makes celibate old me so orgasmic.

Kirana-store workers, fear not. We haven't forgotten you - only the legislators have. But that's okay - they don't even remember how many wives or mistresses they have. With no proper and rational minimum wage legislation in place, you might worry about WalFart's tight purse strings affecting your ability to earn a decent livelihood. I want you to remember one thing - you will never go hungry if you work for WalFart. Recite with me, new-age-guru-stylee - "I'M A SUPERMARKET JUNKIE, HOW CAN I EVER STARVE?". Yes, my friend, there's food all around you - you just need to pick the sort your greedy eyes desire today. Security cameras? This is India - who needs a camera when we can afford cheap security guards? And don't worry about the security guard - you can share your stolen caviar-achaar with them. It's an acquired taste, and you want that guard to acquire it from you. Trust me. Oh, and we'd show you pictures of our happy WalFart workers, but we value their privacy, so let's ignore I even brought it up. Right?

Consumers, have some faith in WalFart, be very excited about our onslaught! Say goodbye to low-quality Indian goods and produce, and say hello to imported products from China! Its imported - how dare you question the quality? "Swadeshi" in this day of globalization is an outdated philosophy. Even NASA imports their space-shuttles from China these days [per secret reports]. Yes, a few of them crash, but there's always the cost factor! Would you rather buy Coca Cola for 50 rupees, than Cocoa Koala [never mind the spelling] for Rs. 15/- ?

Whatever nonsense you've heard about WalFart not being a very customer-focused company, is exactly that - nonsense. We, at WalFart pride ourselves at going the extra mile to ensure that your visit to WalFart is a pleasurable, and fruitful one. And that's our promise to you, like our "Always Low Prices".

As for farmers, you could not possibly hope for a better company to deal with, bar Monsanto. With the subsidies, high-yield crop varieties, and American MNC backing that you will now have, issues like dealing with corrupt government babus for funding and seeds, soil erosion, fertility, population pressure, urbanization, globalization, and irrigation are but things of the past. Heck, WalFart will even waive their stringent quality control measures, just because WE love YOU so much, and want your balance sheets to look as good as ours. We call it community-focused capitalism. Its a "quasi-socialist" ideal, but we don't favor using words like "quasi" and "uber" because it makes us look like "pseudos".

My beloved neighborhood compounder-pretending-to-be-a-pharmacist, find some consolation in the fact that WalFart hires semi-skilled pharmacist-wannabe-quacks. Once we take over the neighborhood pharmacy, you will not be jobless - you will be a valued contributor, instrumental to the success of an American icon. How good is that, considering that once, you weren't even thought good enough to be a medical transcriptionist?

There were some initial worries about the status of paanwaalas, delivery-boys, and chaiwaalas once WalFart takes over the great Indian retail sector in totality. As always, we, the brilliant management team at WalFart, have it all figured out. You guessed it - we'll be integrating paan and chai shops into the typical Indian WalFart store layout. If there's money to be made, WalFart's the hound to watch out for. Yes, we can sniff that extra paisa a thousand miles away.

Delivery boys - WalFart Logistics will ensure you are slave-driven till your very last breath. This saves us the costs involved in bringing in Change Management consultants, and Occupational Therapists. Oh, and shop-assistants - we, at WalFart, have a commitment to professional excellence, like Indian cricket coach, Greg Chappell. As such, we will be re-training you in the most efficient methods of unpacking boxes so you can repack our weekly specials in them, visual merchandising that makes people buy stuff they won't need in a hundred lifetimes, and speaking with a fake American accent, so people are fooled into thinking they're shopping in America, not India, because Indians these days are but Americans without the right passport/citizenship.

Finally, we come to vendors and merchandisers, our most ~~impotent~~important group of stakeholders. I know you're worried about WalFart reducing your margins - but we buy in such large quantities, that you will still earn similar, or perhaps greater profits. If you can't scale up to our demands, don't stress yourself over it - WalFart will provide you with funding at a cheap 27.2% interest [that's cheaper than GE Finance's Buying Cards!] per annum to set up factories in China and North Korea. That way, you won't be worried about Chinese products eating into your share of the market, because, YOU will be a Chinese vendor yourself!

What's even better, dear WalFart stakeholder, is that India is quite lax on the occupational safety & health legislation enforcement front, as far as our legal representatives know. This means we save on costs like employee and customer compensation, wasteful expenditure on safety measures and equipment, and ensure that we can offer our customers "Always Low Prices"! And when a compensation case might arise, we just need to remind you that this is India - our efficient, Just-In-Time goondas will deal with it. Lets not bother our legal eagles with such minor rubbish - their workload is heavy enough, attending Page 3 parties, trying to score with beautiful Indian women [because back in law school, they had no time for fun]and trying to set up a distribution center for us over in that nation known for being a champion of human rights, Burma.

We invite you to share our vision, the WalFart vision. In a few years, WalFart will be amongst India's largest private sector employers, if not the largest, and all of India's unemployment woes will simply disappear, just like those annoying tigers that prowled our jungles and ate up ugly little human babies as revenge for villagers eating up ugly little deer. As WalFart will gain a foothold in India, there will be widespread consolidation in the supermarket/grocery-mart sector, which can mean but one thing - a near-monopolization of the market, just like American software major, MicrobeSoft's footprint in the global software arena. How good is this for the people? Think about it - the best WalFart retailers will get opportunities to innovate, work, and achieve in a dozen different countries, determining how far every monetary unit can be squeezed, so the WalCon family can be richer, and hence ensure the greater goodness of mankind [and Indians in particular].

If you don't believe me, just see the WalFart-effect on the Australian supermarket sector. From a distinct 4-5 players, there remain 2 serious players, Foolworth's and Holes, who in turn are amongst Australia's two biggest private sector employers. Ex-WalFart boss, Crack ShewFaker consults regularly for Foolworth's Australia. He is instrumental in making Foolies a one-stop shop. Fuel, liquor, general merchandise, groceries, mail-order-brides-posing-as-checkout-chicks, and now, pharmaceuticals!

Kids are dropping out of school, TAFE, and university to pursue "superb" supermarket careers. 16 hour days, you say? Who cares? Companies like Foolies 'fully' reimburse you handsomely for your efforts. 5 dollars an hour, if we average out your salary. So what if your pesky little pimple-faced brother makes 7.50 an hour working at Burger Fink? And best of all, if you work 16 hour days, you can't possibly fall into the wrong company, or be tagged a juvenile delinquent, not unless you're Universal Soldier Jean Claude Vandemataram.

Down under, farmers are moving to cities, hence freeing up Aboriginal and agricultural lands for those that they rightfully belong to. All because of the fantastic idea that companies like WalFart-inspired Foolies' have, where they "bulk-buy" from "quality-assured" producers. So, Chinese produce is considered quality produce, whilst local Australian produce is not quite up to the mark. Example? The Warren Cauliflower Group in Western Australia! We offer agriculturists like them the best terms of trade, and even guaranteed rainfall engineered by our weather satellites [they're more than just forecasters], but they just don't want to toe our line.

If you're worried about the success of WalFart India, please, have some faith in us. This is a tried and tested business model, as our shareholders in USA, Mexico, and the planet Pluto will attest. We eliminate all competition, which leaves us as the local consumers' sole alternative. Moreover, we're backed up by the best spin doctors, PR consultants, and advertising gurus in the business, which means that our customer-base can only expand, not recede. Think "Always Low Prices". You think we sell for the lowest? What kind of donkey are you? We don't want the WalCon family sending out hitmen to rid us of our lives, alright? And don't forget - the stupid customer actually believes that a bottle of Heinz Big Red bought from WalFart will be better than a bottle of Big Red from the neighborhood kirana store.

Just a closing note here - if you're an investor, buy our shares. India's going to be so profitable for us, we've booked all our American employees Himalayan holidays, where they can fall off cliffs and Mount K2, and will then be systematically replaced by efficient, hard-working Indians who don't have to be paid a quarter of what these Americans want! Blurry labour laws, cheap human labour, no minimum wage, vague anti-competition legislation, no occupational health and safety regulation(s), an America-obsessed populace - what else can a company like WalFart possibly ask for? We're in heaven, I'm ecstatic, and life is good.

- GM Marketing,
WalFart (St)Inc.

References:
- Not Applicable [WalFart employees ALWAYS come up with original thoughts and ideas, unlike those dumbasses over at 3M.]

Compel them to choose;
Choose WalFart.

Desicritics Author: cowtsetung

MiKajal Jackson's BAD!

Who (Wal)Farted?