Desicritics Author: Kiran Dhanwada

Flash Fiction: The Breakup

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:35:15 EDT

It was a hot summer afternoon in a crowded parking lot. Sitting in a car, sweating profusely, we broke-up. Rather, apt to say, she broke up with me, saying it was in my best interests, a fact I could neither convince nor reconcile with myself.

She was one of the best singers in college. In fact, she had represented the college in many inter-collegiate and national competitions. At first, I was in love with her voice. As I came to be introduced to her, know her and got close to her, I fell in love with her. Fortunately or unfortunately, she too fell in love with me in due course of time. Two wonderful years had passed, until recently, when cracks began to appear and the spark that once was, was doused to ash. The beginning of the end is such a cliché!

We sat in the car, holding hands, cold sweat trickling down the forehead to the chin like a little stream, only for the sounds of our breath, the little whispers of life, to break the silence. As I looked into her starry eyes, tears dancing within them reluctant to join the sweat, I saw for the first time a clueless and frightened set of eyes in what used to be a calm and confident set. What do elders always say - ah, yes - you always see your reflection in others - how apt!

As the initial blur of the break-up passed within the car, I noticed that the color of the walls housing the parking lot was not beige, but yellow. There were other cars in the parking lot, from Benz to Maruti, children playing in the parking lot with the multi-colored hoops that were the latest fad in the market, and people going past our car with their own thoughts and reflections of the life gone by. Details I would never have observed nor reflected on if I was lost in her eyes and hear her sing and listen to her constant chitter-chatter as was the case for the last two years.

With her hand held tightly in my grip, tears finally rolling down, I moved to my right to kiss her goodbye. To quote someone I knew, I said ‘love you to the extent that the measurable becomes the unmeasurable’. She…she kept looking at my direction…not knowing when her vision would allow her to see the love of her life.

I want you to sing that tune

The one you are letting go of

Because, for every memory you are disowning now,

There is a forgotten song.

People And Their Opinions

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 01:50:06 EDT

I often wonder why am I not able to separate people from their opinions? One of the more challenging tasks I face in discussions, meetings or interactions is to look at someone's opinion objectively. More often than not, we make a sweeping assumption that people are defined(and are represented) by their opinions and not otherwise. How do we keep the discussion restricted to issues on hand rather than dragging the personalities involved is a difficult task, deftly handled by a few.

The best debates(and often the most passionate ones) happen when two people can argue on one issue in diametrically opposite directions without any risk that personal equations might get affected. Let me take this issue in a more broader sense. In a team of four, if all the four tend to think alike, then that group is wasted. If people start thinking in different directions, that is when creative ideas sprout. Creative solutions to problems are often not without conflict with other's ideas but the ability to cope up with this conflict and build upon it.

We are all trying to arrive at creative solutions. But then why do we find getting to such a situation so difficult? The answer lies in the fact that we personalize an opinion rather than evaluating the merit of the opinion. We often tend to look at who is making an opinion rather than the opinion itself, and therein we miss the wood from the trees.

To achieve balance is very difficult - something I have to grapple with all the time. However I have come across people like S, H, P, C, O...with whom I can have exactly the type of conversation mentioned above and needless to say, these have been my most memorable discussions so far.

I will strive to the level where I can perfectly insulate the opinion or argument from the person...a typical case of shoot the message and not the messenger!! If this requires practice and reflection, so be it...will find time for it!!

Fiction: A Returned Indian

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 02:19:02 EDT

It was a beautiful evening. The sun was setting behind dark clouds, streaks of orange light glistened across a glorious bluish-orange sky and the wind blowing from the sea into Rakesh’s and Priya’s face. Birds were getting back to their nests in their typical V-formations and people were getting back from work in a hurry.

Rakesh and Priya were sitting at one feet distance from each other on the sea shore, distantly gazing into the beautiful sky, the sound of waves making up for the silence between them.

Rakesh had returned from the US after three years. He had completed his Engineering successfully at one of the premier colleges in Mumbai, and proceeded to do what most of the Indians did - study M.S at one of the universities in the US. After working for a year after his M.S, he decided to return to India for a holiday.

Priya had waited three years for this day.

Rakesh landed at Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport at Mumbai on August 16th, 2008. Priya eagerly awaited his arrival at the airport with bated breath. They both went a long way back in the past. They had played together in the same lawn, shared most of the toys and as they grew older, spent a lot of time at the beach discussing life. When Rakesh left to the US, Priya felt that she had lost an important limb from her body. Rakesh never left Priya alone - he called almost once in three days, if not daily.

She was obviously very excited by his arrival.

They both drove back in Priya’s car to their favorite spot - the Worli beach. Both of them liked this beach since childhood - the rugged rocks, the sharp terrain against which strong waves hit with panache - it gave them a sense of power and calm at the same time.

As they sat in silence for a long time, Priya realised it was getting darker by the minute and decided to do what she had planned all along. She looked at Rakesh, with tears in her eyes, with an overwhelming sense of having her life-support back. She opened her purse, and said

‘Happy Rakshabandhan Rakesh bhaiyya‘ and tied the rakhi to his hand.

They both hugged each other and proceed to their home in Worli.

The In Things

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 04:45:45 EDT

After 2 hours of deep thought process, I am as close to framing up a short story as India were to losing to Sri Lanka in the first test (losing by an innings and 239 runs should give you some idea) – the story neither had a beginning, nor an end or anything in between. As the great authors of the yore would say, ‘I am working on a short story’ and will publish it shortly.

That brings me to write about a topic which I am quite familiar with – the ‘in’ things. In other words, I would be expounding on some of the fads (fashion for the ‘poignant’ folks) that beckon us today in ‘every sphere of the world’ (I have no clue what that phrase means!)

Social Media:

Today, everyone and his uncle’s grandfather are talking about Social Media. Simply put, conversations’ happening over the web is Social Media. However, just like the Communist parties of India talk about the Nuclear Deal without knowing the nitty-gritty’s of it (and neither do I) and raise a hue and cry about it, so do everyone I talk to nowadays is talking about the deep impact that Social media is having on the society today.

On further enquiring what exactly is Social media, most of the people don’t seem to go beyond mentioning Facebook, Myspace, Orkut, Twitter and Friendfeed. Even if they know three out these five websites, they claim to be an authority on Social media. But as you can see, it is the ‘in’ thing to talk about – just like everyone in IT wants to work in a startup nowadays, and just like every Ramu and Pinky opened a company in the late 90s and just like every web enthusiast talks passionately about Web 2.0 in every forum they can gain entry to.

Being a Social media enthusiast myself (the ‘in’ thing to say you see!), I find it deeply disturbing (so much so that I can sleep over it for days) that people use and abuse the impact of Social media on organizations and community in general. Frankly, talking about Social media is great, but from a business point of view, monetizing the concept is extremely difficult. I would rather get down to numbers and business rather than jazzy presentations using Web 2.0 tools about Social media and its impacts that I seem to go through nowadays.

Politics:

The ‘in’ thing to talk about is the Nuclear Deal treaty. Inflation can cross 12%, the common man on the street may suffer due to rising oil prices, there might be blasts in Bangalore, Ahmedabad or any other city in India but all the media and the politicians can talk about is the Nuclear deal. Heck, talking about this deal has brought the horse-trading tactics in the open – a seemingly closely-guarded secret we all knew about all along, threatened to bring down the government and advertisers are having a field day on TV channels focused on this deal where all they talk about is ‘hot air’.

But you see, the ‘in’ thing is Nuclear Deal – it gives us a chance to appear intellectual, morally superior and we come across as knowledgeable about day-to-day affairs. Never mind that this deal will result in actual power only in 2020-25 range, never mind that more than hundred things can go wrong in US elections, and never mind the inflation which has shot through the roof (and sadly, without the corresponding hikes in salary), we have to talk about the pros and cons of Nuclear deal.

Technology:

Specifically, the iPhone. iPhone or its younger brother, iPhone 3G. I can understand the excitement in possessing an iPhone – it’s aspirational. Credit to Apple that over the past 28 years, every product it has churned out, it has turned it into a cult.

Brilliant marketing. But, I just can’t understand why people cannot be rational when buying such a high value product. Just because it is aspirational, doesn’t mean I shell out close to Rs. 25k and get it unlocked for another 2-3K.

As Apple would market it, an iPhone is a combination of a phone, iPod and Internet. What’s more, iPhone 3G has in-built GPS. What Apple will not tell you (or anyone for that matter) is that GPS drastically reduces the battery life, you can’t send applications via Bluetooth, there is no MMS feature, certain basic features like cut-copy-paste are not enabled and many more. But nope, flaunting an iPhone and talking about it is the ‘in’ thing – how else would I prove to be technologically advanced and up-to-date to the society if I don’t posess it or don’t talk about it.

With the explosion of Internet in India (so says Comscore in their ridiculous report with numbers where the terms ‘average’ and ‘heaviest’ mean the same), there would a corresponding increase in talking about these ‘in’ things – sad, but true.

Now, that was certainly an ‘in’ thing to talk about – philosophy plus concern without any data to backup 

What is Prejudice?

Kiran Dhanwada — Thu, 29 May 2008 01:25:39 EDT

Waves of optimism and pessimism might make a man disbelieve in time-tested principles but no matter what happens, he would never waver from his prejudiced thought process - Benjamin Graham

Prejudice - The word itself leads me to two different conclusions: one, that this is the right way of looking and interpreting things and two, it is a wrong way of looking at things. Various words have originated out of this one base word of Prejudice - Feminism, Sexism, Racism, Religious intolerance etc. How do we actually define prejudice? Is it some judgement we come to by means of an experience in the past? If so, then, why would we call Experience as our Best teacher! Is prejudice something learnt in childhood or do we get prejudiced every day? Is manipulation by gross commercialists and politicians by way of slogans and advertisements contributing to our way of looking at things?

What does the dictionary have to say about the word ‘prejudice’? Prejudice is defined as: an adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge or examination of the facts. Simply stated, it is a preconceived judgement, in a negative fashion. Going by the definition, is it right for me to say that various religious views thrust upon me since childhood which have held the test of time prejudiced me the way I look at the world? This particular word, usually used to accuse someone else - saying, so and so was prejudiced against me. By uttering that mere statement, aren’t you prejudicing your conclusion?

Lots of questions! Further food for thought - People are prejudiced because they lack sufficient experience, is a common argument we hear. However my question is, how much experience do you need to satisfactorily say that his point of view is not prejudiced? If no amount of experience entitles a person to a point of view, then the word ‘objectivity’ loses its meaning and charm. Fallacious extensions of one’s own experiences will lead to a horribly colored view of the scenario. We had had innumerable number of such examples - Anti-Semitism, Nazism, Racism to name a few, which have led to destruction of human life.

Taking the discussion a bit further, I take pride in the fact that the decisions I make or the suggestions I give to others are entirely objective - based on proper analytical facts, weighing pros and cons. But isn’t the analysis itself flawed if the basis of my assumptions is itself prejudiced? Analytical that I am, I wanted to have an answer to this complex conundrum. The answer being - There is a continuum between decisions based on prejudice and decisions based on experience. Most of our decisions fall under this continuum - at least that is what I think.

Cramped Space, Cramped Aura: Elevator Odyssey

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 19 May 2008 00:56:52 EDT

Innumerable number of trips in the Lift have left me with a conclusion that there invariably is some treasure hidden somewhere in the Lift which people are looking for, people pondering over it tremendously and hence the silence.

I was 10 years old when I first got into a lift which was in one of the offices my uncle once took me to. Lifts back then fascinated me. The whole idea that I need not exert any effort to move up 5 floors coupled with the curiosity for lifts back then was extremely wonderful. Lifts were not as common back then as they are nowadays and the rarity made it a thing to boast about with your friends.

Time passed and I encountered physics. With physics, the inevitable happened. Newton's laws and Acceleration due to gravity was awed. The effects of these on Lifts was even more fascinating - interesting problems emerged, and with almost every problem on lifts I used to imagine myself in the lift trying to solve that problem - did my weight increase or decrease, is the lift moving with constant acceleration or constant velocity and the associated solutions. It was great fun solving them as well as served as an enthu factor for getting into lifts again and again.

As time progressed, lifts became more common (and with it, my vocabulary of calling it an Elevator!). I then began to notice strange things happening. People in the lift almost never talked to each other unless they were closest of close friends. Whether it was claustrophobia or something else, I do not have an idea. People absolutely normal outside the elevator behaved strangely in the lift - staring at walls, looking at the ceiling, observing their shoes and rarely observing people around in the lift.

A strange sense of silence prevails before the hustle-bustle of the floor begins again. I seriously couldn't (and still don't) understand as to what people look at. Are they trying to find some hidden mirror on the ceiling or between the walls? Are they trying to observe the formations of dust on their shoe and deduce 'The Dust Theory'? Are they looking at their watches continously and trying to calculate whether time slows down due to relative motion of the lift against the speed of light? I mean What?

And then there are categories in Elevators. Fast and Slow elevators - the slower the lift, the more tortuous it is. Slower lifts are a bane on organisations (my previous organisation had one) and their people. People get frustrated waiting for these lifts at each of the floors only to be tortured much more in the 'Field of Silence' inside. As luck would have it, I was in the lift with the CIO of that particular organisation one day. It was a strange situation - I didn't know whether to smile, to talk, murmur. I stared at my watch for an awful long time, spoke a hello, how are you? and looked hard at the ceiling for a virtual crack in it. He got off the next floor and I heaved a huge sigh of relief! So much, for the slowness of the lift.

And then there are elevators with capacity of 8 persons or 16 persons. Invariably during lunch time, you would find more people in the lift than on any given floor. And god save you, if there is a power cut and no backup available for the lift. Or even worse, the lift gets jammed (experienced it twice). Given the modern world of steel covering and alloy covering, voices inside the lift do not reach outside - all that would be left would be prayers to God, if he can get a peep into a stuffed lift that is!

Having said all the above, with skyscrapers shooting up in almost all parts of every city, lifts are a necessity rather than a luxury. Lifts have undergone a massive makeover - from typical iron-grills to metal doors and fancy gadgets. However, in my 14 years of experience in these lifts, people have never changed. They never talked inside lifts always looking for the seemingly invisible particles that would make their day. I hope one day, they do find it and prove that they were not wasting time inside these lifts in the 'Field of Silence'.

Fiction: Sensual Romance

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 12 May 2008 00:53:46 EDT

Amit landed in Delhi after a 3 month trip to Singapore.

Avantika was eagerly awaiting him.

Their affair was on for 3 years. They both had passed out of college barely knowing each other. However, in a chance meeting (happened to be a common friend’s birthday party) they happened to hit on each other extremely well and from thereon, their relationship was going only one way – up.

Amit was an architect and Avantika was a fashion designer. The diversity in their professions made their relationship even more spicier and interesting. They both had decided that unless both of them had settled professionally, they would not get married to each other. They stuck to their promise – and their parents now had mutually agreed on their marriage one year hence.

Amit had left for Singapore on an office trip. Since the time of their engagement, they could not keep hands off each other – and 3 months was a long time. When Avantika spotted Amit coming out of the airport - tears of emotion overflowing, she rushed and hugged him - unmindful of the surroundings. Words could not convey their relief - they looked in each other’s eyes and smiled. They quickly went back home in a taxi.

When Avantika closed the door of her empty house, Amit immediately hugged her from behind. She could feel his tremble – tremble, due to separation for what seemed a long time for both of them. She let him rest in that posture for a few minutes. Amit murmured ‘Missed you big time’. Avantika turned around and gave him a wide flashing smile. He captured that moment and immediately hugged her tightly, landing kisses all over her face and body. His kisses were like winter fire, slowly but surely wearing Avantika down. He started feeling the contours of her entire body gradually, sensing the laces, linen and her sweat little-by-little but intently. She too responded to his intense emotion – hugging him tightly and responding to his kisses. Time had no meaning at that moment, neither did the surroundings nor that they were still in the foyer of her place.

They made love.

They were lying on the bed, one on top of each other in their post-lovemaking stupor –which traversed the foyer, drawing room and subsequently the bedroom. Earlier, she had asked him what fruit she represented? He had replied ‘Watermelon of course’. ‘Why?’ ‘Ripe, juicy, edible and a fulfilling treat, that’s why!’ She had liked the description. She had always liked his descriptions, barring a few of his crazy ones. They had made passionate love for the past hour or so and now were mumbling sweet nothings in each other’s ears.

She looked into his eyes and asked “Tell me, how much you love me?”

Amit gave her a surprised look.

She: I want to know.

He smiled - one of those wicked grins. She knew something crazy was coming up.

He: I love you as much as I love free lunch coupons.

She smirked.

He: Er…ok! I love you as much as Wooster loves Jeeves.

She: C’mon Amit, be serious!! Tellll me!!

He looked into her eyes, her hair all over him and said ‘Beautiful’. He wanted to express his love in terms that she loved the most – literature and music.

He: “As passionately as Howard Roark atop the University hill”

“As detailed as Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings”

“As flowingly as Somerset Maugham”

“As silently as a Shakspearean sonnet”

“As longing as a Wagner’s Opera”

“As much as the center of my life”

“And my dear, as madly and crazily as myself”

She looked into his eyes, smiled and said “You are a damn fool” and proceeded to kiss him. The pressure was perfect and the teasing just about there. A long, soft kiss and mercifully unlike the last one. She was drawn in closer to him – a moment she wanted to last forever.

Fiction: Love you Forever!

Kiran Dhanwada — Mon, 5 May 2008 01:19:03 EDT

She was distraught.

Everything had been wonderful two years ago. They had met through a common friend and the chemistry was instantaneous. Both of them loved similar books, movies and cuisines. They had long phone chats, often late into the night. The occasional touch had turned into a hug and then a kiss. He loved and adored her.

She loved him with all his heart. She cared for him and not an hour passed where she didn’t think of him. She felt very secure in his arms. The days at the office passed in a jiffy and both eagerly awaited the night - day after day, talking to each other throughout, unmindful of food or sleep.

One year later, things slowly began to fall apart. He had changed jobs and his new job took him to different countries each month. They were no longer spending as much time together. She could not reconcile herself to the fact that some nights would pass without speaking to him. However, he called, and called often. He told her about new experiences in different countries, the ugly and the beautiful and how he wished she was with him. He would bring her gifts from each country he visited. Their happiness knew no bounds when they saw each other at the airport each time. They were very much in love.

Love, however, has a tendency to fade - or that is what they say. One year since he changed jobs; she observed, much to her chagrin, that he had also changed. She wondered why the look for her in his eyes was so different, the warmth in his voice was missing and the tenderness of his touch had vanished. She couldn’t take the drastic changes that had happened in this relationship - she was totally distraught.

She couldn’t believe what she was going through. He made lame excuses whenever she wanted to meet him. Phone calls turned from often to periodic to seldom. He had hardly spared time for her over the past 6 months. She felt like a nobody. Sometime back, she had asked him ‘Are you going around with someone else?’. The question had freaked him. He shot back ‘Are you insane? What makes you think so?’.

She couldn’t bring herself to doubt him. Yet, he seemed so distant. She loved him - like no other, very deeply and passionately. She came back from the office every day and read the long and lovely letters he had written to her, e-mails and SMSes he had sent her - crying late into the night over them. Every word, every feeling resonated in her mind before she went off to sleep, only to be troubled by nightmares of him leaving her. She hadn’t slept properly for months now.

Deep depression, mental collapse - she had heard these terms in various books. Now, she was experiencing it. She missed him, when alone as well in the crowd. She also feared that she was getting paranoid about him. Maybe he was too busy with his work. Maybe the good times would be back again. Or, she shuddered to think - have I lost him forever?

Today, she had called him. She desperately wanted to meet him at her house. He readily agreed - not only to meet her, but have a candle-lit dinner too. She was on cloud nine. Again, everything seemed rosy and the air was brimming with life. She cleaned her house, her room, scented the whole house with the freshener he had got for her from Australia. She dressed in her best clothes and waited for him to knock the door.

As expected, he knocked on the door at 6' o clock. There he stood, with the same innocent smile and a twinkle in his eye that she had seen two years back. She was overjoyed. She hugged him and invited him into the house. She closed the door and hugged him again, whispering softly in his ears ‘You are mine, my love, forever mine’.

She was ecstatic. He was on her lap. She was rocking him like a cradle - to and fro, singing the songs he loved. He was staring intently at her large, round eyes - seemingly lost forever. She loved that look - his stare with his deep eyes into her. The smile on his face looked so calm and peaceful, but the only question he seemed to ask non-verbally was ‘Why?’ She smiled back at him and said ‘Now, I will love you forever’ - and smugly smiled at the blood-stained knife with which she had stabbed him to death.

Fiction: An Internet Tale

Kiran Dhanwada — Thu, 1 May 2008 00:26:40 EDT

She was in Mumbai. He was in the US.

She sat in her bedroom in front of her age-old computer, twitching the end of her chunni endlessly.

He had just gotten up from sleep, visibly excited, switching on his laptop - revising one-liners, statements-that-a-girl-will-fall-for and opened the chat application.

They both were online now.

It all had happened by chance. Engineer-MBA guys were the flavor of the season and he was an Engineer-MBA. He wanted to marry an Engineer-girl. Their parents were looking out for matches - traditionally as well as online. During the course of searching through one of these online matrimonial websites, they found each other. Each one liked the other's profile (and necessarily, their parents' also liked each other's family background) and decided that they should communicate. Because of the distance involved (she in India and he in the US) - after exchange of few mails, decided that Internet chat would be the best option.

Today was the D-day.

They saw each other online.

(Lines in Italics are his/her internal thoughts. Others are the ones which they type on the chat application).

He: Should I ping her first? Or will she ping me first? Will I appear too eager if I ping her immediately? No, let me hold on till she pings me.

She: He is online right now, so why doesn't he ping me? Is he not interested in me? I guess being a guy he should take initiative. What will I do with such a non-initiative taking guy? Did I make a mistake?

After a 5 minute standoff, where each party is thinking why the other is not pinging, the guy loses his patience.

He: Hey! Hi.

She: Ufff, finally you dumbo! Hi.

He: I was just checking my mails till now. Didn't see you online?

She: Oh yeah, really! Kid someone else. Same here. Not an issue at all. Glad you pinged.

He: Isn't this chat a wee bit uncomfortable? It would have been better if we had met face to face.

She: Didn't know what to say and didn't want to look stupid. One trick she learnt over the years if she didn't know what to say, say - Heheh!

He: Ooohh!! She's funny too! Sense of humor. Good, Good. So...finished your dinner?

She: Ah! How boring? Anyways, let me continue. Yes. Finished it just now. How about you?

He: I just got up. So....

She: So...

He: Strange behavior lady. Take initiative somewhere. So, what do you like?

She: Like, like what?? Her mother had always taught her to keep the guy in suspense.

He: No, in general, hobbies like that, like that.

She: Ohhh...that!! My hobby is photography. I like reading books too. She always found it fashionable to say that her hobby was photography. Never mind she never had any expertise in it. Her hobby was photography simply because she had a cute digicam. Reading books - ahhh..she wanted to appear intellectual.

He: Ohh!! That is greattt. My hobby too is photography. In fact, I love photography. Reading books - ahh..not that much. But I love listening to music. Again, back in Engineering college and his MBA, he was awed by others because he mentioned photography as one of his hobbies (Later, when they came to know about his photographic skills - well, the matter took a different turn). He had also heard that mentioning the word 'photography' turns on many a lady.

She: Wow!! He too likes photography. I think I found the right guy in my life. What wavelength and frequency match. That is lovely!! So...what if I want to do higher studies? Is your family ok with it?

He: He was always told by his friends to appear progressive. All girls want to study after marriage - that was a rule rather than a exception. He didn't want to whine. She will study right...what the heck? No, no...not at all. In fact, my family would love a girl who is ambitious. They would be proud of having such a girl in the family.

She: Patting herself again that she found the right guy...so, what else??

He: So, what about cooking? Do you know cooking?? His friends had always taught him to add disclaimers when he asked such questions...No, not being a male chauvinist but asking in general!

She: Smiles...adding disclaimers too, he must be intelligent...I know cooking...not an expert though...will you help me? And she didn't want to upset him with the next line..so...And how about you? Will you help me with the cooking part....Heheh!

He: Oh..sense of humor again...good, good! Yes, yes. Sure. Will help you with cleaning dishes and washing clothes too. She wants me share everything already...yuhoo...I think this is a done deal.

She: And...how about wearing western clothes?

He: Progressive behavior was the order of the day...No, not an issue at all. Unless you decide to wear spaghettis and minis...hehe!

She: Good sense of humor...I like the guy! Heheh! No, no...I was just talking about jeans and t-shirt.

He: So...what kind of music do you like?

She: When in doubt, say A R Rahman! She was taught this cardinal rule repeatedly. Classical Indian was out-of-date. And Spice girls would sound outlandish. Conservative but good-taste - that was the mantra. Nothing really special, but I like A R Rahman.

She: Oops!! Music of A R Rahman....Heheh!

He: Nice timing of humor again...I really like the girl! A R Rahman...Conservative and good taste. Good, good. I like Backstreet boys and A R Rahman too....wanted to sound macho as well as force himself to like her taste...agreeing with the lady was a big plus - he was told.

She: Wavelength and Frequency match again! She was beginning to like it. So...how about food habits? Non-veg, Smoking, Drinking etc etc. You know typical habits..Heheh!

He: Enquring ability...nice trait of a lady! Good, Good!! No, No, No...I am a vegetarian with no smoking and drinking habits. How about you? Not that I am questioning you...but still would like to know more about you - He was told the line 'to know more about you' was very satisfying on a lady's mind. It helped soothe all her fears and anxiety...in fact, it was a big plus for any guy who asked that question.

She: What a gracious way of asking the question!! Now, I really like the guy. He wants to know more about me - good good sign J Nope, am a vegetarian too...with no smoking and drinking habits.

He: Good, Good. So...what else?

She: You tell.

He: So...do you like me?

She: Hmmm...let me think ;)

He: Was that a YES?

She: Ahhh...I never said that...Did I? She was taught never to say YES directly in such matters - it looked too arrogant. In fact, not saying a YES was more ladylike and guys liked it - she was told by her marriageable friends.

He: Should I ask my parents to proceed?

She: Aren't we supposed to proceed? Heheh!

He: Good sense of humor again. She is the girl I want to marry!! Yes, we will proceed. I will talk to my parents to talk to your parents.

She: Ok! Hope to talk to you at length after you come to India.

He: Of course, of course! Can I call you now?

She: Nope, not so soon! Heheh! Shall we meet same time tomorrow online?

He: Sure, I am already waiting for tomorrow to come.

She: Heheh!

With that, he closed the chat window. She had good sense of humor, could cook okish - what else did he need in life?

She too closed the chat window - He was gracious, although he was slightly boring - which I can change after our marriage, his hobby too was photography. What else does she need in life?

She smiled off to sleep. He decided to enrol in the gym. And the proceedings began.

'Marriageable' Off Your Radar Please!

Kiran Dhanwada — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:50:39 EDT

40000. Yes, 40000. No, I am not mentioning any salary figure – those were the number of marriages conducted on a single day around a week back in one particular state in India. 40000!! Isn't the number by itself mind-boggling?. However, the number of marriages on a particular day is not the subject matter of this article.The statements made pre-marriage (just before and after engagement but before marriage) and post-marriage (till 6 months after marriage) are!

Over the years, I have learned quite a few pearls of wisdom dealing with ‘marriageable’ (pre and post) people - and I felt it would make immense sense to share these with my dearest readers.

1) I met this friend of mine (a girl) at a multiplex. She came along with some guy I didn’t recognise (a first-time meet). After exchanging the usual pleasantries of ‘Hi’s and ‘How are you’s, she moved in for the kill.

She: So, this is my fiancée Amit.

Me: Hey Amit! Nice to meet you!

She: So….

Me: So… (still didn’t get the clue, I was waiting for her to start/end some topic)

She: So….(desperately rolling her eyes, screaming silently)

Ah…I pick the clue, albeit a trifle too late!

Me: Hey!! Both of you look lovely to-gether. You make a great pair.

She: Ah!! (smiling with vanity) Everyone keeps saying that...not sure why! That’s nothing. But anyway thank you thank you.

That was it. I had to push off before the next ‘So…’

2) I still can’t fathom why people getting married (and immediately after marriage) state the obvious ever so often. I'm still amazed. Few examples to substantiate.

a) He/She: We are both so happy being to-gether. He/She makes me so happy, we are perennially on a laugh riot. So comfy with each other you know.

Me: Oh..that’s great!! (To myself: if you weren’t happy/comfy to-gether then you would have got divorced or not got engaged at all – you silly!!)

b) He/She: So many things change post marriage you know. I thought that I would never change for that one person coming into my life. I am glad I was proved wrong.

Me: Ha ha ha! (To myself: Why the laugh, I have no idea! They just expect this reaction. Probably I was just laughing at his/her foolishness of feeling vain in proving themselves wrong. How stupid! Ha ha ha!)

c) He/She: It is like we were made for each other. Both of us were like ‘Why didn’t we meet each other before?’ types. It’s so much fun you know!

Me: Ha ha ha! That’s very interesting! (To myself: What’s interesting…Don’t ask! And No, I don’t know. And why didn’t you meet each other before – that is because you had to hammer(bore) me with this statement and many more statements to come. That’s why!)

3) Also, I still can’t understand why they don’t get literal and state the obvious in certain situations – say like what happened during honeymoon? Why? No clue. Probably it was too boring, and that is why they don’t want to share it. However, I am all ears to hear this OBVIOUS part, although it’s boring – all my time, all my ears to it. No, Seriously :)!

4) Never ever enter these ‘marriageable’ people home(whether they be friends/relatives, anyone for that matter). They will either kill you by

- Showing you different types of dresses/jewellery/why they chose one wedding card over another/food items for marriage (in pre-marriage scenario) or
- Submerge you with reams and reams of wedding photographs with ‘So…how is this photograph? The lighting was not proper, no?’, ‘So…how are we looking in this photograph?’(post-marriage scenario)

You get what I mean. So…AVOID by all means.

5) One common, most common statement I have heard (and got terribly bored over the years)

He/She: You know why there are so many rituals, functions during marriage…mannn, it’s so tiring.

Me: Ya! (And before I finish my short yet sweet syllable)

He/She: And that is why I guess divorce rates are much lower in India. Who in their right mind would want to go through all the trouble (all functions/rituals) all over again. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha (If I don’t cut him/her off, they would continue the saddd joke and their laughter to infinity)

Me: Yes, Yes..completely agree…the customary laugh…Ha, ha and a ha…So, when you knew that there were so many rituals/functions, why didn’t you opt for a register marriage…so easy and simple, you know…and by your logic, you can get married again and again (A wisecrack indeed…or so I thought)

He/She: A wry smile (didn’t know what to say; they somehow seem to change the entire marriage topic after that statement…still wondering why!

Those were a few of my encounters with ‘marriageable’ people. And if you thought that knowing all the above, I would not be making such stupid/foolish statements and not state the obvious when my time to marry comes – you are very wrong. I am a firm believer in compound interest and I shall have my REVENGE (if you know what I mean, Beware!)