Desicritics Author: HarroZTER!

My Take On Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

HarroZTER! — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 13:55:29 EDT

She hurried up and down the stairs. It was excitement flowing all the way through her nerves. She had been waiting for this day since a very long time now. She took one last look at the mirror. Just a little over twenty, she was tall and beautiful. Her long black hair moved to and fro as she stepped down the stairs one final time. She reached for the car keys, took her purse, stuffed in some cash, vanilla lip gloss, essentials and hurried towards the door. Her lips shone as if in glory. She locked the door and headed to the car. She took a moment and checked if everything was alright. She didn’t want to leave anything for chance especially on a day like that.

Her heart started beating in anticipation of the moment lying ahead as she sped the car through the driveway. Throughout the one hour drive to the other side of the city she hoped for the best. She checked for the time as she entered the car parking area. She made it right on time. He was waiting for her standing besides his big Mercedes. He smiled as she moved towards him.

Her heart beat as fast as a horse running in the Kentucky Derby. She got closer and ran towards him. He hugged her tightly. It had been a long time since he had seen her. Words were silent as love gushed through their bodies. She reached for her purse as he drifted into another world with his eyes closed and still hugging her.

She took out her CZ 75 pistol and shot him twice point blank. Her arms ached with an enormous amount. He dropped down with his face shocked in disbelief. She took a look around to luckily find no one present at the spot. She took out her wedding ring and dropped it on his body. He was lying silently down there. She kissed him on his forehead and ran towards her car. Tears covered her red cheeks as she sped away in her car.

“It’s all over!”, he said in a soft tone holding her hand. She opened her eyes and looked at him as if she was just out of coma. “I told you it’s going to be a boring movie,” he said as they walked towards the exit. She looked at her wedding ring and smiled at him.

Overheard: Bush Blair Babble

HarroZTER! — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 10:16:19 EDT

I’ve had a great experience overhearing other’s conversations. Sometimes these conversations are way too much of a secret. Being a momma's son it’s my duty to spread the gossip around, I really can’t help myself much with that. So here’s a part of the latest conversation I overheard sometime last week. The American president was woken up from one of his sweetest dreams by a sudden call from his langotia friend.

The person on the other line is scared and terrified. His voice is low and his tone is very calm. He speaks in a slow manner. Bush tries to locate his cell phone but he can’t remember where he left it before going to bed. He can still hear the phone ringing to a Linking Park ring tone in his huge bedroom but he’s still helpless. He calls up Condoleezza and asks her about his cell phone’s whereabouts. She offers to put her entire staff on the job when Bush recalls he left the phone in the bathroom. He rushes to the bathroom to answer the call.

Bush: Hello, this is the President of the United States!

Blair: aside (yeah like I care). Hello Hello!

Bush: Who is this in the middle of the night dammit?

Blair: It’s me Georgy, your best friend!

Bush: Musharraf I hope this isn’t one of your prank calls where to tell me about your friggin peace process with India. Is it?

Blair: Hey it’s me Tony!

Bush: Oh man! I thought you were intelligent enough to respect time zones.

Blair: It’s an emergency dude, I’m having sleepless nights here.

Bush: You got hold of the terrorists. You got to know of their plans. What’s bothering you now?

Blair: I’m afraid people are talking things here. We might have made another mistake.

Bush: What? We weren’t looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction here. Were we?

Blair: No it’s the terrorists. They don’t seem like they were really up to it. We couldn’t find any bombs, material, plane tickets at their place.

Bush: Damn! You’re duck now!

Blair: Help me Georgy! Help me!

Bush: Hold on, it’s Musharraf on the other line.

Blair: What does he want now? Hasn’t he had enough money and American booze already?

Bush: He wants American citizenship. We’re going to put him on an isolated island off Hawaii soon!

Blair: But what about me Georgy?

Bush: You have enough islands over there Tony boy! Find one for yourself.

Hangs up the phone.

Mah, Color Me Basanti!

HarroZTER! — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 00:21:49 EDT

As the clock strikes twelve on August 14th the nation goes on a 24 hour long rampage of a day we call the Independence Day. It’s a day of utmost historical importance. We may spend the entire year cursing the pathetic state of the country but we don’t shy away from enjoying patriotic movies on TV, humming Vande Mataram and watching the Independence Day celebrations on national television. After all we’re the same citizens who curse the politics pickle each time a scam unearths, reluctantly pay taxes (sometimes evading them too!), make the most of public toilets and feel proud and inspired after watching Rang De Basanti.

Somehow we have become the worst critics of our own country. While there are several negative points, there are positive as well. The past couple of years have seen the country evolve into a better developing nation. I agree we still have jobs to run after, markets crashing at times but then things have never been better as well! It’s not the politicians who make our nation, neither the dirt lying all around. It’s you and me who make it a nation, a country. Yes, it’s time to color yourself Basanti and make the country proud.

So how do you and I make our country proud, a better place to live? How do we make it a safe haven? How we keep it from the brain drain?

We could simply start now or we could sit on our asses and simply ignore it thinking, "What difference would it make?". We did feel like standing up and raising our voices once we walked out of flashy multiplex after watching flicks like Rang De Basanti, Swades etc. With the whole Basanti flavor popcorn digested and the DVD lying somewhere around the house we’re back in the ‘Chalti hai yarr!’ mode.

We live in a democracy. We vote for our politicians. But we still have no faith in them. Why should we? Anyone today would define a politician as a blood sucking moron with a simple intention to fill his pocket with as many smiling Gandhis as possible! Look around and corruption has flooded the country with the damage worse than the monsoon rains. A young nephew while giving an exam described a traffic policeman as the ‘uncle who wears white clothes and challans’ instead of regulating traffic. But then we’re to blame for the mess as much as they are. We don’t mind loosening our purse strings just to keep our self from standing in long queues, taking out a hundred rupee note to escape a challan or bribing the MC babu to get your work done quick. Somehow what goes around, comes around!

We don’t need movies to inspire us. We don’t need national holidays. We need to wake up from within. We need to stop parking cars at No Parking zones, we need to stop throwing our garbage irresponsibly, we need to stop bribing officials, we need to start paying taxes, we need to respect our country, respect laws. It’s you and me who make this nation. Let’s make ourselves proud.

Vande Mataram!

Stretch the Weekend Into Weekends!

HarroZTER! — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 09:59:31 EDT

We celebrate August 15 as our Independence Day each year. We all celebrate it in our own many different ways! For some it’s a day of old remembrances, for some it’s a day of pride, for some it’s a day of speeches, free samosas, pakoras and chai-pani! For a majority it’s just another day off. Students bear the burden of attending parades at school reluctantly though they are compensated with a holiday the very next day. All this makes one doubt the very reason why we are not supposed to officially work on our Independence Day. Why does the Government want us to take a break for 24 hours?

This year it’s no different. In fact it’s made a Super Weekend out of the whole Independence Day celebrations. Taking a leave for one day makes it a perfect five day holiday. Add two more and it makes it a nine day Great Indian Super Independence Weekend! Now that’s time and enough time to celebrate Independence Day, visit your grand parents, check out your favorite weekend spot, spend days sleeping and eating, catch up flicks with your girlfriend and the list goes endless! No, I’m not talking nonsense here. Here’s the maths.

The fun starts with a weekend. Saturday and Sunday is already off (If you’re still working on Saturdays then your college principals and office bosses need to stop wearing lungis and start reading English newspapers!). Take Monday off. Get started on a neat application and let them know your strong medical vocabulary and application writing skills. Attach a small medical certificate along with it and you’re done for a day. Monday is followed by Independence Day and Janmashtmi which are already off. Then comes the Thursday and Friday duo. Take out your pen and paper again and let them know you’re still suffering. So then come Saturday and Sunday again with tons of happiness, chocolate shakes and smiles!

Go ahead have fun but remember it’s all because Mera Bharat Mahaan! Jai Hind!

Munnu Chunnu Engineer!

HarroZTER! — Sat, 1 Jul 2006 02:28:05 EDT

Unfortunately this isn’t a title for any Sanjay Dutt starrer from the Munnabhai camp. Engineering is the most sought after career choice along with medical. From early days of messing up in the sand to protesting for not going to pre-school, we’re told that we are supposed to become an ‘anjeeneeer’ or a doctor one day. That’s instilled in the minds from the age of innocence and we kids too carry that forward until we realize getting into those hard paying job profiles isn’t going to be a cakewalk. We’re told that no matter what we have to stick to the ultimate goal of earning lots of smiling Gandhis. Being a kid I always wondered why would Gandhi want to be on our currency notes and that too smiling to glory where we would like our own memorable pictures, at least on the cash we owned! Anyways that would be a totally different topic.

Coming to the point let’s talk about engineering. That spells doom I agree! It took me the whole of ninth grade to learn how to spell the damn word. Let alone pursuing something that sounded like a cheap Chinese diwali cracker. So coming on to engineering again (Damn that word!), I was supposed to be a born engineer just like the million other kids whose parents make them feel their only potential is to become one. Me and my parents only realized the truth of potential a few years down the line. We just moulded the whole subject of engineering into a fluid concept and today I love the world of engineering. Though I am not yet very comfortable with certain circuits I still try and make something that would help explode the entire world. Again that would be a totally different topic!

Coming to the main thing. Getting into engineering is something that produces nightmares for kids. ‘You get in, you just need to get in and you’ll definitely come out with an engineer cap’, is what we’re told in high school. So is getting into an engineering college really that difficult? Welcome to Punjab! The land of five rivers is finally being turned into the land of engineers. Five out of every eight people you’ll meet at parties, cafes, would be a living proof of the total stupidity being produced in Punjab. Engineers, engineers everywhere and more in the pipeline.

All the engineering colleges in Punjab are under the nose of Punjab Technical University. According to the official university website, the university was established for advancement of technical education & development. It seems to be doing totally the opposite of that. Take a look at some disgusting statistics;

The University has under its affiliation 40 Engineering colleges,56 Management, 17 Pharmacy colleges ,6 Architecture 2 Hotel Management and 13 colleges imparting courses in Medical Lab Technology& IT disciplines. The University has an intake of more than 12700 and total strength of more than 60,000 approx. University has established 12 Regional Centres for M-Tech courses and has established school of Entrepreneurship 2 TQM as Mohali.

Here’s the maths. 40 engineering colleges. Each so called engineering college with at least 4-5 streams. Some with 6. Each stream with around 60 students and the computers and electronics with double the number that’s 120. So multiply the seats with the number of colleges and you see a whopping amount of wanna be engineering in the pipeline. Each year the same amount passes out and a new breed of young kids join the league. So where do these people go? Is there a future for each of them? That’s a difficult question now!

Let alone a few colleges with some reputation, the others lack the basic infrastructure. Most of the seats tend to remain vacant and getting admissions is more like buying candy from the grocery store. You go to the college and all you need is a 12th pass certificate and some mullah and bang! You’ve become an engineer(Well, 25%!). Some colleges flout the rules openly. Getting admission is very simple since 60% of the seats are under the management quote for private colleges. These colleges make the most out of the smiling Gandhis they collect as ‘donations’ or in my case ‘development funds’. The reservations issue might never be a problem up here. There was a time when the kids from Punjab went down to Bangalore and Karnataka for engineering admissions and now it’s just the opposite. Instead if you want an engineering seat book your flights to Punjab now! The university keeps on sleeping under comfortable pillows as long as their pockets are full. Some controversies fly around and no one bothers. Some are smashed inside the air conditioned pathetic state-of-the-art university headquarters that looks more like a army hideout bunker of the late 70s. Getting into engineering is easy, going about it isn’t but six years give you enough time to clear out your doubts and pass on.

So when your next door Munnu and Chunnu decide their career choice let them try out all other options, engineering would always remain a safe house in the end!

Satire: India beat Brazil 5-0

HarroZTER! — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 13:02:15 EDT

India beat Brazil in an exciting counter in the opening match for the Fifa World Cup 2006 in the Group Z segment here in Berlin. Amidst a huge crowd loud cheers could be heard across the stadium screaming for the Indian players. For once it seemed Brazil was all alone! Incidentally it was India's first ever Fifa World Cup game. After qualifying by beating Nepal in an impressive 10-0 game, India were expected to be the underdogs in this one.

Although the selections of the Indian team created quite a stir with the central government proposing in a 50% reservation policy for SC/ST and OBC but things went smooth since there weren't any football players to protest the reservations. Instead the selection team had to hunt down a few cricket players and famous celebrities to play for the country. Mahendra Dhoni, the famous wicket keeper was busy posing for some stupid hair gel advertisements but later on agreed. So did John Abraham after he was promised he won't have to go bald to resemble Ronaldo. Rahul Mahajan couldn't make it on time since his bail plea got denied as he was the candidate from the opposition quota.

Finally the match started. John Abraham kicked off the ball and half of the women fainted. No it wasn't John, they didn't have any food since morning. Captain Baichung Bhutia scored the first goal with an amazing kick half way across the pitch. The next two goals were scored by Mahendra Dhoni with extreme power such that it scared off the Brazil goalkeeper for once! The Indians exploited the weak Brazil defense and maintained more than 90% possession. We were 3-0 till half time. The Indians sat down on a protest during half time expressing their desire to drink Pepsi since that's what the cricket team gets to drink. After being told that they were being served Pepsi and the bottling and packaging was different from that of India, the players rejoiced and got back to the field. Post half time the SC/ST/OBC players were supposed to take charge due to the policy posed by the Government. They played well and scored another two rocking goals to defeat Brazil with an impressive 5-0 victory margin!

After the match. the Brazil players were taken straight to the nearest hospital after some players complained of acute depression and high blood pressure. Some even offered to resign from the team. Nevertheless, the Indians won!

Will you still cheer for Brazil?!

Music Review: Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

HarroZTER! — Tue, 20 Jun 2006 11:21:54 EDT

Karan Johar's brand of glycerin is soon to smash theaters near you. No matter how much I may sound smashing his movies I seem to fall in love with each one of them everytime! Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna seems to be another promising one. The music for the film is finally out. The music has been a much awaited release after Kal Ho Na Ho.

The songs for Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna have been composed by the Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy trio. The music features seven songs in all. A usual mix of slow, smooth and catchy songs with a trademark Karan Johar film music touch makes up this album.

Track List

1. Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna - Sonu Nigam, Alka Yagnik
2. Mitwa - Shafqat Amanat Ali, Shankar Mahadevan, Caralisa
3. Where's The Party Tonight - Shaan, Vasundhara, Loy, Shankar
4. Tumhi Dekho Naa - Sonu Nigam, Alka Yagnik
5. Mitwa Revisited - Shafqat Amanat Ali, Shankar Mahadevan, Caralisa
6. Rock 'N Roll Sohniye - Shankar Mahadevan, Shaan, Mahalaxmi
7. Farewell Trance - Shweta Pandit, Caralisa

The album starts off with the title track Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna which does feel like the old melodious Kal Ho Na Ho tune. At some point within the song you do get that old same thing feeling. The song is sung beautifully by Sonu Nigam and Alka Yagnik and you'll start humming it by the second time you play this song.

The next track Mitwa is a really smooth lovable track. Simple and clear lyrics make the track worth listening again and again.

The following track is a dance number. Where's the party tonight reminds me of It's the Time to Disco from Kal Ho Na Ho. This was has a different tune to it though not as appealing but worth satisfying to your ear drums! I can bet the picturization for this one would be worth watching and I hope they make Abhishek and Rani dance on this one!

Ouch! There's just one party song as I move to the next song. Another slow smooth one. Tumhi Dekho Na is one of my favourites in the entire album. Sonu Nigam weaves his magic once again with Alka Yagnik. Awesome lyrics and you just can't stop repeating the track but then fear the player might burn the CD with all the heat around!

The next track simply recycles Mitwa and is titled Mitwa Revisited. So this one is the same track but with more beats attached to it. It sounds better than the original version of the song. Oh! Did I mention there's just one party number in this one? Here's a surprise! There's another catchy track Rock N Roll Sohniye. It's sung by Shankar Mahadevan, Shaan and Mahalaxmi. Now this track reminds me of Pretty Woman from Kal Ho Na Ho. At some point I think I might just be listening to Kal Ho Na Ho only! The song isn't very special but I guess Karan Johar's way of picturizing the song will make this one stand out as well!

The final closing track Farewell Trance is an instrumental. Even this one is worth listening!

On the whole the album is worth the money spent on it. The music meets the expectations from a Karan Johar flick. You will relate it with Kal Ho Na Ho's music while you listen it for the first time. Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna passed the music test for me and now I hope it also passes the three hour visual test.

So don't wait! Head for the nearest store and buy the CD now!

Movie Review - Fanaa

HarroZTER! — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 03:49:36 EDT

After days of suffering from a bad cold I got the chance to watch the movie they claim was the most awaited movie of the year. I spent the entire time during the interval wondering why they thought that way! Anyways, Aamir Khan and Kajol for the first time and a Yash Chopra banner is worth attracting any movie freak to the theaters and even making them spend a hundred bucks for a ticket in black. The first fifteen minutes of the movie are doom! People with lack of any patience could hit the exit button right then. I couldn't. I bought tickets in black. I had the right to sit for fifteen minutes extra, watch more commercials and get a complimentary cola and popcorn.

Kajol simply stands out from the rest of the cast. From the first shot till the end of the three hour mental torture, Kajol was worth an applause. Aamir Khan looked tired though. I liked his character during the first part of the money. A usual corky and funny attitude. Everything seems fine until the Bollywood DNA seems to erupt with both the lead actors falling in love within a few milli-seconds. The hero jumps off the bus and vomits a few sher-o-shayri the typical Bollywood ishtyle and the girl just can't resist his flowery smell. The sher-o-shayri carries on until they both seem to make out it's love that they're feeling within. So it's love. Include a few regular three minute songs with not so many dancers in the background. The music is worth listening but certainly not worth watching within the movie.

The leading lady is blind. Now what is a Bollywood flick without magic? So she goes in for an operation and bang! She gets her sight back 6/6 but then tragedy must also appear. So the hero she's in love with disappears. Vaporizes. After fifteen minutes of an interval and irritating commercials he reappears. Now he dons the role of a hardcore terrorist. Here starts a James Bond type of a twist in the character and Aamir can be seen jumping off a chopper and riding on some snow scooters or whatever they're called. Just like other usual flicks even this one claims that the terrorists have gained access to a nuclear weapon. But they ain't blowing it up. They need a stupid trigger. And who else but our hero sets out to hunt and deliver it. But hey! We forgot the girl. She just spent seven years raising a cute kid and went through a period of acute depression in the absence of her hero. Yes it was hard to make that out from her smiling facial expressions and a happy-go-lucky attitude but hey it's Bollywood!

To cut the long story short, she shoots the damn hero. She feared the nuke might kill other probable handsome men so why lose out on that chance! The movie suddenly ends and it's like hey! Where's my money?! So should you watch this? I'm happy for people in Gujrat they don't have this there! You've probably seen this one and if you haven't you might want to rethink! Watch this for Kajol, watch this for Aamir. Don't expect nirvana!

The best part of the show. The short trailer of Kabul Express starring John Abraham and Arshad Warsi. That's the best few minutes in the whole three hour saga.

Satire: President Rejects Himesh Reshammiya’s Mercy Plea

HarroZTER! — Fri, 2 Jun 2006 05:06:38 EDT

After spending many sleepless nights at the Central Prison for Music freaks and making fellow prisoners go through uneasy times by making them listen to the irritating Himesh sounds the other prisoners staged a protest here today. Himesh Reshammiya was earlier arrested and awarded a death sentence by a local court. All the prisoners have demanded that Himesh Reshammiya be moved to a sound proof cell. In the meanwhile Himesh refused to comment on the issue and claimed he had to practice and since he was refused bail there was no other way. In the mean while the President has rejected Himesh Reshammiya’s mercy plea today. Himesh’s lawyer sent a mercy request to the President that Himesh be left with a small penalty on the condition that he won’t sing too much.

Apparently the President was supposed to approve the mercy plea today. But it appears that he tuned into his television set last night and heard Himesh Reshammiya’s name on the credits for composition for two more new movies. The President got annoyed instantly and demanded that Himesh’s songs be banned since they posed a higher threat to the nation than the current reservations issue.

The President however laid down certain alternatives to a death sentence for Himesh Reshammiya considering the fact that Himesh was in a depressed state and might voice some disgusting sad music in prison. The President suggested the following alternatives;

++ Himesh could be sent to Andaman & Nicobar islands. The tribal population can find Himesh as a good inspiration for crappy music. They can also tie him up and eat him if they’re not satisfied.

++ Himesh could be sent to the LOC with Pakistan. He could help scare away possible intruders along the LOC!

++ Himesh and his so called ‘followers and fans’ could be sent on an island on the Indian Ocean and they can enjoy each others company.

++ The CBI can use Himesh’s music in the torture rooms. The victim can be made to listen his songs until he vomits the truth! Also the FBI can be provided with the same if they’d like some outsourcing!

++ Some of our people would be visiting the moon very soon. The spaceship shall emit Himesh Reshammiya’s music in order to scare away any possible alien attack!

Reservation Debate: Overheard!

HarroZTER! — Mon, 29 May 2006 08:59:16 EDT

It's seven in the morning. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is having his cup of tea with biscuits. The pack of biscuits he purchased while returning home from the office last evening, not spending any official moolah! The phone rings. An old tired voice, slightly pissed off speaks up.

AJ: Hey dude! Morning... hand me over to the Primy!

PM: Good morning, this is the Prime Minister speaking.

AJ: Uh! Good morning sirji! Wassup?!!

PM: Hello?

AJ: Oh, sorry! I gotta stop talking to Bush too much.

PM: Hello?

AJ: Namaste Manmohanji, this is Arjun Singh speaking. I'm the HRD!

PM: Which department is that?

AJ: The one that works! Well, sometimes.

PM: Oh yeah?! I thought nothing in our system actually worked except for the PMO.

AJ: PMO? Is that a new commission or a policital party? Do they have free lunches? Coke?

PM: Cut the nonsense Arjun ji, come to the point.

AJ: Sir, I found a solution to these medical students protesting against our sane ideas!

PM: Good, so you're going to step back on the whole reservation idea?

AJ: No way! I told my wife, I'm hard,long and strong on this one!

PM: Ah! Arjun, they are selling Viagra in India now!

AJ: I went to the clinic, they were on protest too! Coming back to the point, here's my solution. We're going to have all the stupid medical students sit for exams till the time we pass this reservation idea officially. By the time their brains wake up from the examinations, there's nothing they can do about it!

PM: You and your pathetic ideas, who really put you up there?!

AJ: And we can also provide them with 10% extra marks if they stop their protests and sit for the exams and a month long extra vacations and dating would be officially permitted on the college premises!

PM: Is that a solution?

AJ: Oh I've got to go now, we're setting some really tough examination papers!