Desicritics Author: Desi Train

On the sets of Anurag Kashyap's No Smoking

Desi Train — Sat, 18 Nov 2006 02:59:10 EST

I wasn't sure of it, but Manjeet kept insisting I speak to Anurag about it. He as usual was accepting and in fact excited about the idea. Get a blogger to visit his set and report on what he views the making of a movie from his eyes... This in spite of the fact that Anurag himself blogs in first person here. "Ask him to call right now". The problem was I didn't have Manjeet's number. An urgent email was sent. Mercifully he was there reading my email and replied back forwarding me his number.

About an hour after talking to Anurag, I was talking to Manjeet in Bombay. It was about 1am in California, and I had an early morning meeting. But I didn't care. Caught in the grip of the excitement. Manjeet and I spoke. He already was very clear on what he wanted to achieve.

In another roadblock, he and Anurag just couldn't get to speak for the next day cause of their busy schedules. Text messages were exchanged. Damn! when when when... and then suddenly Anurag messages Manjeet to meet him on the sets at 2pm. It's around 12 noon when Manjeet wakes up to read the message... and without wasting a second he's off with his camera and notepad to meet one of the most talented teams in Bollywood...

And when he came back we couldn't stop talking about his experience... he was thanking me profusely for the amazing warm welcome and respect he received on the sets... "It wasn't me" I had to remind... because all this happened because of one of the most humble, talented genius that I've come across... Anurag Kashyap.

Manjeet's first post on visiting the sets is here

His exclusive pictures of John, Ayesha and others on the sets of No Smoking are here

Thanks for the great work Manjeet!

Movie Review: Naksha Ka Side Effects By An Irate Gynecologist

Desi Train — Mon, 9 Oct 2006 13:47:51 EDT

This weekend saw me experiencing the Good, the not-so-Bad and the without-any-doubt-Ugly. From the high of watching The Departed (review coming soon on PFC), to a praying for a forward motion Pyaar Ke Side Effects to crash landing on your head with Naksha.

Which simply leaves you with pain, disappointment, depression, loneliness, a hammer and your still miraculously intact head.

Saturday afternoon was spent watching Pyaar Ke Side Effects. Sunday noon was Naksha time. By Monday morning your brains have turned into scrambled shit. For no reason at all, the hangover has left you with a movie you watched, but didn't watch - Naksha ka Side Effects.

Characters from one movie now seem to be acting in the other. If someone shits in one movie, it lands up in the scenes of the other one. You are praying. Someone help you out of this misery. But there is no escape.

Hence with great pain you sit down and draw a line in the middle of a blank page. To the left you write what you saw in PKSE. To the right is what you saw in Naksha. The page, on which you finish writing about the two movies, now appears to be something that resembles Charmin Toilet Paper.

Pyaar Ke Side Effects

You feel for director Saket Choudhary and writers Saket himself along with Pratibha Acharya. How cutie cutie story they both try to attempt. In the process they end up creating a whole new genre in movie making. Screenwriting Influence ke Side Effects.

Clearly. Both Saket and Pratibha have grown up on an overdose of Hollywood chick flicks and love stories. Besides, perhaps, oz's writings on Mini-me.

So we have a 30 something DJ (Rahul Bose) talking to Ms. BBB (Boobs, Bitchy, Bhayankar a.k.a. Mallika Sherawat) on the night of her marriage (to someone else). She escapes marriage, meets DJ by accident, in aamchi Mumbai and they start dating for the next 3 years.

What happens next?

Watch Meet the Parents.

End of Story.

A cross between The Runaway Bride (Julia Roberts) and Meet the Parents and another half a dozen Hollywood chick flicks, watching PKSE is like watching a stand up comedy, where the comedian ends up reading the entire New York Times or any other fucking newspaper that you get in your city.

It reminds you of another similar movie that gave you just about the same side effects. Rules : Pyaar Ka Superhit Formula.

So while the story tries to be funny, you just don't get to crack a smile except for a few seconds here and there. Yes, there are a few dialogues which end up being genuinely funny but that's it.

Seriously, is this what the media will now call an "above average" venture? A handful of good scenes don't make up a movie just as your underwear can't be called a pant that you can wear to work.

Rahul Bose's "attempts" to earnestly work out a good comedy are just too artificial. In fact Mallika Sherawat excels in many scenes, I guess, due to the fact that the character may be too close to the actor in reality.

On the other hand, the movie doesn't send you to your psychiatrist. So yeah...

C Minus. Every attempt should be made to watch this movie on one of those nights, when sleep is impossible to come by.

Naksha

What happens when writer Milap Zaveri, Tushar Hiranandani join hands with director Sachin Bajaj?

You get a splitting headache, an acute diarrhea and a sudden run to the nearest temple on a cold night where you push the temple doors open. The ghantis, ghantas, bells in the temple are swinging left and right and their sound echoes all around. You take two ghantis in your left hand. Two in your right hand. And you bang them hard on your forehead.

And as you start banging those bells on your forehead, you scream to MA's idol in front of you

"AAJ KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM. KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM. MUJHE YEH MENTAL TORTURE DEKE.... KHUSH TO BAHUT HOGE TUM"

Anger turns to pain, naturally transcending into depression.

"MUJHSE KAUN-SE JANAM KA BADLA LE RAHE HO BHAGWAN. MUJHE MAAF KAR DO BHAGWAN MUJHE MAAF KAR DO"

The bells slips out of your grasp and you fall on the marble floor crying your heart out. There is no hope.

When you are inspired from Hollywood flicks like National Treasure and such Treasure Hunt movies and then you go to the nearest Photocopy shop to Xerox the original script of The Rundown - you come out of the photocopy shop with a screenplay of Naksha.

No use getting into the story. No point at all.

Really, is Sunny Deol getting this desperate?

And what happened to Vivek Oberoi who blew you away with his performance in Company? How did he manage to learn to IRRITATE you so much with his OVER the TOP acting? More Importantly, WHO THE FUCK IS TEACHING HIM ACTING THESE DAYS?

"Oberoi is over acting" is the biggest understatement of the year. Really is there a new process in Bollywood where you get to "unlearn" your skills in acting?

Sameera Reddy is a worthy partner to Oberoi in the "let's irritate the viewer" section. While Jackie Shroff tries his best to underplay his role which doesn't equate to anything in this shoddy script.

Seriously, Milap Zaveri and Tushar Hiranandani need to find some other job. This can't be happening. How can two of the crappiest writers get work after work, while some of the talented writers are desperate to get their next square meal.

And I object to God's law that the SHITTIEST OF DIRECTORS/PRODUCERS should have all the money to make movies while the real talented people of cinema live and die by the sidewalk next to these rich filthy bastards' homes.

If Sachin Bajaj, still calls himself a "Director", then I'm calling myself a Gynecologist from now on.

F Minus. Take your dick out, pee on the DVD and return it back to where it came from.

Movie Review : Khosla ka Ghosla : Chak de Phatte

Desi Train — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 00:58:29 EDT

It's time to officially recognize the arrival of Gen 21. The first mast mast batch of writers in Bollywood. Ironically, many find a place to stand in this busy bazaar because of Ram Gopal Varma, whose script sense seems to have gone for a toss. It's time to sit up and recognize the struggles and efforts this first generation of Bollywood writers in the 21st century are going through, just to bring out positive, meaningful cinema - cinema they believe in, you believe in, I believe in.

Jaideep Sahni, Aurag Kashyap, Abbas Tyrewala, Sriram Raghavan, Imtiaz Ali, Jahnu Barua, Nagesh Kukunoor, Anurag Basu, Sandeep Shrivastav and a few others that I may have missed in this Gen 21 that make you jump off your seat and do a Balle Balle.

Yet this Gen 21 may quickly disappear into the fast setting sun, if you and I don't accept our responsibility as an audience. The responsibility to go out and support such positive cinema, so the producers can recover their money, thereby fortifying their trust in such scripts, such stories, and such cinema.

The period between 1984 to 1995 must have been the worst in Bollywood, in terms of quality. Whereas in this year of 2006, in about 9 months, there are at least 5 movies that have just been amazing, in the period between 1984 to 1995 there must have been hardly 5 - 10 movies that you would have bothered to give a nod to.

And we may soon move to that moronic phase if you don't get up, walk out and drive to the nearest theater that is showing Khosla ka Ghosla and such amazing movies (I hear Dor is a masterpiece, though it hasn't released here in Los Angeles) that emits nothing but pure sincerity and meaning. Movies that tell a good story.

Southern California is about one third the size of the Indian state of Maharashtra. And Khosla ka Ghosla (as far as I know) is running in just one theater in the entire region. On Saturday at the 1pm show, there was a huge crowd (Telugu) at the theater to watch a Telugu movie (some Nagarjuna or Chiranjeevi movie). The screen where the Telugu movie was being shown was completely packed.

I stepped into Screen number 3, where KKG was being shown. We were three people in the entire hall watching the movie. Three supporters of a good movie in an area one third the size of Maharashtra. Three people. Me. And two others who found it hard to get off their cell phones while watching the movie (if I had a baseball bat they both would have been in the hospital by now). So that left just one person, who seriously watched the entire movie. One. Me.

Tragic indeed. Especially while watching a fluffy, hits your heart, stretches your smile - comedy.

Dibakar Banerjee and Jaideep Sahni dive right into this 2 hour story. So we have a K.K. Khosla (Anupam Kher) who invests all his life earnings to buy a piece of land to build his dream house on. Unfortunately the land is bought from one of those evil property agents. So the next day when Khosla and family go with their "pundit" for "Bhoomi poojan", a land shark, Khurana has built four walls on their land.

And thus starts the struggles of Khosla and family viewed through the lens of comedy. And in the process it brings the family closer together.

The story hits home. For many of you it provides identification right from the word go. The characters appear live and someone you know in the neighborhood or even within your own home.

The dialogues are seriously realistic with a comic underline. And many of the scenes look like Jaideep Sahni was there in the room and recorded your conversation with your friends and family, stepped out and made Khosla ka Ghosla. Amazing simplicity.

The laughs come out easily and effortlessly. Watch the scene where the father and son have a discussion on what goes first in an empty glass. The scotch or the ice? Or check out the scene where the theater director (Navin Nischol) is having the pre-act jitters, and when questioned as to why he's shaking his legs in his nervousness, he shoots back "It's my body. I'll shake anything I want!"

Light on production values but high on content, KKG is a pure entertaining package meant to be watched by the entire family.

And it's ably supported by a light, makes your heart go sing sing soundtrack. Favorites include Chak de Phatte, Ab kya Karenge Bhaee, Intezar Aitbaar, Isse Pyar, which all run in the background.

Of the cast, Parvin Dabbas does a good job as the younger son who initially comes off as a selfish guy, who isn't much interested in family matters, until his father lands in trouble.

Kiron Juneja as Khosla's wife breathes in the right balance of a typical Delhi housewife who tries to keep all the family in the same place.

Vinod Nagpal as the Sikh friend of Khosla, again is a character right out of our lives. Nagpal, an efficient actor makes no mistake in portraying the character of Khosla's friend helping and supporting him in his good times and bad.

Boman Irani as Khurana, the land shark, strikes back again. Really, here is an actor, who redefines the word "detailing" all over again. Watch his body movements and his mannerisms. The way he opens his cell phone or uses his eyes and hands - trying to impress his point.

One of the biggest scenes (and very intelligently written) is the one where Navin Nischol and Boman Irani come face to face in the hotel room and for the first few minutes there's this silent big man ego clash between them. How effortlessly Jaideep pulls that characteristic out is simply amazing. Of course it wouldn't have been possible if Nischol and Irani had not played that scene with such refreshing accuracy.

Tara Sharma as the younger son's love interest, who eventually is the key to helping Khosla out, seriously needs some dialogue delivery lessons as soon as possible. And I mean as soon as possible.

But in the end, there are two actors that rise above the rest of the entire great cast.

Ranvir Shorey, as the professionally failed, elder son, could not have played the character any better. At times Shorey comes so dangerously close to making the character so dangerously believable, you end up confused whether you are watching him on screen - in a movie or in the same hall as you - live in flesh and blood. Identification hits the bull's eye, if the character of Shorey is someone you know in real life. And if you are from Delhi or are aware of its various accents, Shorey's character is bound to knock you off the seats. We need to see more from this tremendous actor.

And in the end it's all about Anupam Kher, who comes back to tell us why he has made a place for himself here in Bollywood. The way he delicately handles the character is simply to be seen to be believed. Watch his mental state when he loses one battle after another and being the typical middle class man, he decides to let go of what he has lost. It's another character that you will find in your house or in your neighborhood.

A Minus. No gimmicks. No million dollar sets. No lavish song and dance sequences. No over the top emotional vomit. No special effects. No Swiss or New Zealand scenes. It's just a pure story. Pulled right out of your life and mine. Simply said, funnily told. Khosla ka Ghosla is the golden needle that hits your heart. Right at that sweet spot.

Fiction: Desi Souls: American Rain

Desi Train — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 01:04:15 EDT

7:30am

La Jolla, San Diego

Vineesh Rao, stood with his back resting on the wall of the bistro, facing the ocean. The rain had forced the bistro owner to remove all his chairs and tables from the porch. Vineesh had a cup of coffee in his right hand as he glanced at his wrist watch.

He looked up. There was no sign of the rain stopping anytime soon. Everything around him had a tinge of blue. He had this soft melancholic feeling as he gazed at the ocean with blank eyes. It was Thursday. The whole of the American west coast was driving its way to work. But not Vineesh. He had taken a couple of days off from work.

He checked his watch again. Ten years in America had taught him to be patient. He decided to wait for some more time before making the call. Life is going to change... again Vineesh wished his parents were here, this morning.

The third son of a mechanical engineer from Bangalore, Vineesh, like both his elder brothers had followed them to America, in pursuit of his MS and then later on working as a Civil Engineer for one of the Consulting companies.

But he had always been lonely. An introvert, unlike his two elder brothers, who could not understand why Vineesh preferred to stay alone on the west coast when both of them could have done so much for him if he moved close to them in New Jersey. But Vineesh needed his space, even if it meant the here-again, gone-again, feeling of loneliness.

"Are they here?" Maya the Italian bistro owner's wife, who had known Vineesh for more than 5 years inquired.

"No not yet... perhaps they are stuck in traffic," Vineesh replied using his eyes to point at the rain.

"Ok. Let me know when they come in. I have some delicious breakfast cooked up for them... I'll send you another cup of coffee."

"Thanks," Vineesh smiled. He turned back towards the ocean looking at it through the curtain of thick rain drops. A puddle of water was flowing close to where he stood, barely missing his feet. Vineesh looked down and noticed petals of a rose flower flowing in the puddle into the dust and sand at the edge of the cemented porch. I hope it doesn't turn out to be this tragic.

Rains. They always gave him a soft lazy feeling with a touch of melancholy.

Freeway 5 North, Orange County

Akhil Gupta sat in his car, feeling trapped. Traffic on the 5 was virtually at a standstill. The only noise in Akhil's car was the sound of the wipers, and the sound of the rain outside. He simply sat in his seat, watching at nothingness in front of him.

Rains made him sad. They depressed him. At some sub conscious level, Akhil was resisting the feeling of sadness knocking on his doors, demanding to be let in. I don't need this. Not now. Not now.

The year so far had been tough. His girl friend broke up with him, even when he had been thinking of asking her to marry him. A month later, his sister called from Jaipur. Their mother had passed away. Heart attack. She was declared dead before arrival at the hospital.

After being encouraged by his father to pursue his dream in America, Akhil had returned after a 3 week leave. But life was never the same again.

In an attempt to run away from pain and sadness each evening brought him, Akhil took to drinking. It wasn't helping either. Life for Akhil, like the traffic on Freeway 5, was at a standstill.

The car in front started to move. It took a honk from the car behind Akhil to wake him up from his state of blankness. Akhil moved the gear into drive and tapped the accelerator.

Atlanta

Raju Gaur sat on his chair in the enclosed 10 feet by 10 feet booth at the gas station. He was whistling. The customer outside paid him a 20.

"20 on number 5."

Raju nodded and set pump number 5 on his computer to pump 20 dollars worth of gasoline. He went back to whistling. He looked out to check the rain from his glass window. No sign that it will stop soon.

Rains always brought him luck. It was raining the day he landed in America nine years ago, to work with his uncle. In spite of an engineering degree, his uncle convinced him to forget looking for an engineering job. "There's more money at gas stations and convenient stores."

And Raju worked for the next nine years with his uncle. They both managed the three gas stations for an aging Indian couple who barely left the house except for a weekend's drive to an Indian store or an Indian restaurant.

Two months ago, the couple had called in Raju and his uncle and expressed their wish to sell the gas stations off. They wanted to offer one or all to Raju and his uncle, if they could come up with the money.

It was time. Good times were about to begin. They started running to banks and loan companies. And last night, the last of the loan they needed to buy all three gas stations was approved. Raju and his uncle would soon become the owners of three gas stations.

Raju, still whistling, looked out of the window of his booth. Rains. They always brought him luck.

Seattle

Neha Mehta was getting frantic. Nervousness made her forget the red light and she almost was hit by the car which had surged forward on its green. "SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!"

She saw a Starbucks on her right and decided to stop for a hot mocha and soothe her nerves. Neha locked her car and trotted into Starbucks. Mercifully there wasn't a line. She picked up her mocha and sat on the chair facing the street. The heavy rain drops would hit the glass pane with speed and then suddenly turn into tender drops fighting for life as they slipped down in slow motion.

Neha had been in the U.S. for over seven years now. It had turned out to be a roller coaster ride. More lows less highs. Now as she glazed outside at the rain, she prayed she would get the job. For over six months, after being laid off, Neha had attended one interview after another, but there was no job, just interviews. She thought her problems would be over after she received her degree in architecture, but it was not to be. Life had never been a smooth ride.

And she was getting desperate. Her father passed away a few years ago and she wanted to bring her mother over. She knew her elder brother didn't treat her well. She wanted her mom. But her unemployed status prevented her from doing so.

Then a month ago, her aunt called her up from Bombay. Neha's elder brother had thrown their mom out of the house. He planned to sell the house and make a neat amount for himself. Her mom ended up staying at her sister's place, Neha's aunt.

It was now a rush. A rush to get her mom over to America. First there was anger. Anger towards her brother, then hate, then contempt and in the end there was nothing but depression. Sadness, over her inability to be able to help her mom.

Please God, I need this job. For mom's sake. Please give me this job.

She checked her watch. The place of the interview was two blocks away. Neha got up and walked out and stood below the canopy of the coffee shop. She looked up in blue sky.

Dear God, please let this rain wipe all my problems away.

She put her purse over her head and starting sprinting towards her car.

9:30 am

Orange County

The office was silent. Akhil was busy punching in code on the program he was working on, when his colleague Tim walked into his cubicle.

"Did you hear the latest?" he asked Akhil in a hushed tone.

There was thunder and both of them looked up.

"Gosh, it is a storm or what?"

"Perhaps," Akhil let a faint smile. The sadness still enveloped him. He wished he could have taken the day off.

"Listen Aki, they are laying off more people today."

"Oh God."

"I think Ramesh and Al are next to go. They both have been called in... and they have called me too at 11."

"Shit..."

"Fuck man... I don't know what to do."

"It's ok. I guess they wanna discuss the new project."

"I hope so."

Akhil's phone rang.

"Akhil, Good morning." It was his boss.

"Good Morning Allen."

"Akhil, could you come up to my office?"

"Yes sure."

Akhil got up to leave. "Allen's called me in."

His heart started to pick up speed. Please God. Not now. Not today. I'll kill myself if they lay me off.

As Akhil walked towards the elevator and pressed the "UP" button, his body had begun to mildly tremble. The year had been tough on Akhil. Please God... don't let them fire me. Please.

Atlanta

Raju did his usual round of cleaning the mess around the pumps with the broom. The lightening and thunder would set his heart beating fast. Business was slow. The downpour had increased and the streets were almost empty except for an occasional passing vehicle.

Raju stepped into his booth and locked it from within. He opened the accounting book and started entering numbers, when his phone rang.

It was his uncle. He was at the bank signing the papers.

"JAI MATA DI!!!!" Raju pumped his fist in the air. He did not notice that he had stood up in his excitement.

"Raju, I should be done in an hour. Let's have lunch together. I'll be over at the gas station by 11am."

"Okay!!! I'll put Jose on the counter during the lunch hour."

"Raju, I have tears in my eyes. Twenty years Raju. Twenty years. But God finally blessed us."

"Unclejee, our bad times are over. This rain is the sign of that."

"Yeah Raju. It's time to smile and realize the dreams we came to America for... ok they are calling me back. I'll see you at 11 Raju."

"Okay Unclejee. See you at 11."

Raju put the phone down and noticed the guy standing at the window. Raju pushed the cash and receipt tray forward and spoke into the mike "Yes Sir?"

The man was in his late thirties. He had a week old beard and un kept hair. He wore a trench coat. His eyes... Raju noticed his eyes... Another druggie.

The man placed a bunch of lottery tickets and pushed the tray back in. He leaned towards the mike for customers on the outside.

"Could you check these please?"

Raju counted the tickets. They were twenty in all.

He put the first ticket under the scanner. A few seconds later "Expired" flashed on his screen. He looked back at the guy and leaned into his mike, "This is expired."

"Could you check the others please. I've been sick and haven't had the chance to check them for sometime."

This is going to take some shitty time. Raju looked at the pumps outside. No car except the druggie looking guy's was parked outside. Well, what the hell. Let's help him out. Raju picked up the next ticket and started to scan it.

The thin plastic tube, hidden inside the arm of his trench coat, was slowly moved out into the tray. He used his fingers to carefully slip the tube deeper into the tray. A slight push and the tube was now inside the locked booth. The guy then used his left arm to squeeze the bottle.

Gasoline started flowing through the bottle, into the pipe and landing on the floor of the locked booth. He looked at Raju, who was still busy scanning the expired lottery tickets. The man needed 10 seconds to empty the bottle. The gasoline was enough for the entire booth and all things in it.

There was another flash of lightening followed by thunder.

"Man, this is a crazy rainy day." He smiled.

"Yes Sir, it sure is," Raju smiled back without looking from the screen flashing "Expired" after "Expired" messages for each ticket Raju scanned.

It was around the 16th ticket, that the smell got his attention. Raju jerked his head all around to see where the smell was coming from, until his eyes caught the puddle of gasoline on the floor next to his chair. His eyes caught something shiny. The end of a yellow tube was resting on the floor and crawled back through the gap between the tray and the window... back into the long sleeve of the man's right arm.

Raju immediately stood up "WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN!!!"

The guy quickly took out a match. He smiled "All the cash or I turn you into a fucking Indian bonfire."

Raju slipped out of fear and crashed on the back wall of the booth. The sudden turn in the peaceful morning was slowly sinking in. He had never been robbed before. His breaths turned faster and his heart was beating hard now. There was shock on his face.

"Didn't you hear me you fucking Indian? Your cash now or I throw this match in."

There was no thinking required. Raju quickly opened the cash tray and started removing everything it contained.

La Jolla, San Diego

Vineesh saw traces of a ship deep in the ocean. The curtain of rain drops had turned thick. La Jolla looked beautiful in rain. But not as beautiful as his Jenna. He was in love with Jenna. Madly in love. But the fear of being rejected by the family prevented him from talking about it to his brothers.

Jenna could never understand Vineesh's fear. But she never questioned him about it. It was the first time in her life, any man had made her feel, completely happy, completely content... and complete. For the first time she wanted to do a lot for the man in her life. For he had made life beautiful for her. In spite of its ups and downs. Life had never looked so beautiful.

She secretly attended Indian cooking classes and one day surprised Vineesh by cooking him his favorite dishes. And one day she entered his bedroom wearing just a sari, which had Vineesh rolling off the bed in shock.

She loved him. The sweet tender moments he gave her were precious than anything else. Yet she would be hurt whenever she found that Vineesh's brothers had arranged another boy-girl-meeting for Vineesh with single Indian women, who were introduced to them through friends and family.

The girls would come in, meet Vineesh at a restaurant, and leave. Vineesh would keep making excuses to his brothers over the phone. He had not yet found the courage to tell them the truth.

Until... Jenna landed at a restaurant with her friends where Vineesh was having this traditional-boy-girl-meeting-for-marriage discussion. Vineesh had told her about it although he did not mention the place they were meeting.

Something broke inside Jenna.

"Vineesh... I can't keep going on like this. I... I can't. It's too painful" she mentioned to him three days ago. "... And neither do I want to be the cause of you breaking up with your family... Vineesh... I think its best I leave town... I'm moving to Salt Lake City... far away from you."

That night both Vineesh and Jenna cried in their bedrooms.

Vineesh then called his eldest brother.

"American? How can you do this Vineesh?"

Vineesh had no reply. He simply kept crying.

"Vineesh. Don't cry. Listen. I'm coming by the next flight. Don't cry Vineesh."

The flight was delayed and they decided to meet at the Bistro at La Jolla, his brother's favorite breakfast place.

Jenna Vineesh sighed.

He stepped out from under the canopy. The rains hit his body. He looked up at the sky and then closed his eyes. Come back Jenna... come back please But there was no one. Just the rain drops hitting his face, mercilessly.

Seattle

The three interviewers shook hands with Neha.

"Thanks for your time Neha... we'll let you know about our decision in a day or two."

"Thank you"

Neha walked out of the office. Her heart was sinking. She had seen it all many times before. We'll call you about our decision in a day or two No one called back. No one.

Her cell phone rang. It was her aunt from Bombay.

"Neha beta how are you?"

"I'm fine. What happened?"

"Your mom wants to talk to you beta."

Neha did not want to talk to her mom. She did not want to give her another unhappy news. Her interview had not gone well and she would not get the job.

"How was your interview Neha?"

"Ma... it was ok. I don't know"

"Neha... it will be ok."

"How are you?"

"I'm ok Neha. Your brother has sold the house and has moved to Bangalore with his wife and kids. He did not even bother to call me." She started crying.

"Ma..."

"Neha, it was your father's wish that you get half of his property... if only he had made a will... I don't have anything to give to you Neha."

"I don't want anything Ma. I just want you. I'm praying that I get a job soon, so I can bring you here with me."

"I want to be with you my dearest daughter... I want to... before I die."

"Ma!"

"Neha... please let me come to you. I'll live on a loaf of bread... but I want to be with you..." She started crying again.

Tears started rolling down Neha's eyes. Life and its ways The picture of her mothered decked in gold carrying a six year old Neha in her arms flashed in front her. Today, she was crying for just a loaf of bread. A sudden pain enveloped Neha's chest. She felt a pricking feeling in her heart. God please... don't be so harsh on us...

She couldn't take it anymore and switched off the phone.

Neha slowly walked out of the office building, getting completely drenched in the rain. But she was drenched even before she stepped out of the building. The sadness and hopelessness of life had drowned Neha in them.

As Neha took her the keys to open her car, she broke down... she started crying in the parking lot. She eyes shut, while her mouth parted to let out a cry of pain... of grief. Her legs gave away and Neha fell on the ground, next to the door of her car, crying out loud. God... please have mercy on us... please come and help us. God never came.

10:05 am

Orange County

Akhil was driving slowly. He couldn't see clearly. His wipers were doing a good job. They swept the rain water off his windscreen pretty quickly. It was his eyes. They were filled with water.

Akhil... we are sorry, but we have to let you go.

A car behind Akhil honked in anger. "GET MOVING YOU ASSHOLE". It veered to his left, showed him the finger and over took him.

It's not your work Akhil... we are cutting costs... sorry.

Everything was lost. His girl. His mother. His job. Everything was lost.

Jim, our security manager will escort you out of the office. Here's your last pay check. Good Luck.

Akhil couldn't breathe. His depression was sucking the air out of him. He noticed a shopping plaza on his right and entered the parking lot. He rolled the windows down. Rain drops started to fly inside his car. Everything is lost... everything is lost

He stepped out of the car. His eyes were still moist from the crying. He was numb now. Numbed by his own pain. He looked up from the ground and saw a grocery store in front of him.

Everything is lost

"Where do you keep pesticides?"

"Aisle 16."

Akhil walked in and found what he was looking for. He needed another thing that was available in the pharmacy section.

Everything is lost

Akhil picked up the white bottle from the pharmacy section and moved to the checkout counter. The girl at checkout smiled and scanned his items.

"You are all drenched."

Akhil stood silent.

"You look a lot like my ex boyfriend.... His name was Atul"

Everything is lost

"... that will be 16 dollars... I'm sorry... but can I ask you if you have a girlfriend?"

Akhil merely closed his eyes No

"... Debit or Credit..."

"Debit?"

"Do you live close by?"

Everything is lost

"Would you mind if I gave you my number?"

She scribbled her number on the receipt and gave it to Akhil. There was something in his eyes that made him so attractive. She looked in them for the last time. They look so sad. She wished to hold him and kiss him.

Akhil walked out back into the rain.

Everything is lost

He stepped into his car and locked the doors.

He opened the three bottles and emptied them in the empty water bottle he had bought. Next, he opened the whisky and poured it in the water bottle. After shaking the bottle to mix the ingredients, Akhil took a sip.

Everything is lost

Akhil started crying again.

Sorry Dad... but it's time to go

He took a large gulp from the bottle. It would take about 20 minutes for the poison to kick in. He took another gulp.

God... give me something better in my next life

It was five minutes past his first sip of the poison.

Akhil took another large sip. The drowsiness should step in any time now. He dropped his head back on headrest. He was getting tired. His eyes were feeling heavy.

He took the blade out. It was time. He passed the blade over his left wrist. Blood oozed out quickly. The intended vein had been deeply cut. He couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. Bye Dad

The heavy brick landed on his chest and glass splinters flew in all directions inside the car. Akhil opened his eyes with a jerk. "Wha..."

It was her.

"GET OUT YOU BASTARD..." She unlocked the door and pulled Akhil out of the car. As she held Akhil while sitting on the road next to his car she called the number, "... yeah... and I think he's got some poison inside him... I'm holding him here in front of the grocery store."

No No No... I want to die I want to die

"I... want to die.." Akhil murmured in his semi conscious state

"WHY? DO YOU THINK I WAS AN IDIOT TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WERE UPTO WHEN YOU BOUGHT ALL THAT SHIT?"

"Everything is lost."

"No it isn't."

"Let me go."

"NO I WON'T I WON'T I WON'T."

"Why?"

"Because I've found my Atul back and I won't let him die again."

She bent down and kissed him on his lips. "I won't let you die again. I won't let you die again". She started crying.

Akhil let out a faint smile. He was fast slipping in unconsciousness. He still didn't completely understand her actions... but after a long time, he felt peace... the faint sound of the ambulance rushing towards them reached their ears. She planted another kiss on his eyes... and whispered in his ears "I'm Mary."

For the first time in many days, Akhil smiled from his heart... as he half opened his eyes. Both Mary and he were drenched in the rain pouring over them as Mary sat on the ground holding him in her lap.

The rains... they aren't that bad... not bad at all...

Seattle

Neha couldn't stop her crying. Everything stored and locked inside her broke lose. The rains started pouring harder. Why Why Why us??? Krishna why us Krishna Krishna Krishna

Her cell phone started ringing. She was not listening. All this pain for what? Tell me Krishna? Why us why us why us? There was no reply from Krishna. The ringing on her phone stopped. She paid no attention.

With great effort Neha pulled herself up. She wiped her tears off. The rain drops wet her face again. Neha leaned on her car and stood there. She kept staring at the drops falling on the ground. Her cell phone rang again.

"Neha Mehta?"

"...Y...yes"

"Neha, this Jim Colbert. We just interviewed you half an hour ago."

Huh!!!

"Neha... we decided to stop wasting our time interviewing anyone else."

Huh!!! Huh!!! HUH!!!

"Neha... we would like to offer you the job... if you are still close by... could you drive back to us. We'll get you the appointment letter right away."

And for the first time in her life Neha cursed... WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

"Are you there Neha? Hello..."

"Yes yes Jim... I'm here..."

"When can you join us?"

"Right away!!!"

"Fantastic!!! How far are you?"

"Oh... I'm... about 10 minutes away"

"Great then we'll see you in say about 10 - 20 minutes?"

"Yes sure. Thanks Jim"

Neha switched off the phone.

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

She looked up in the sky. The rain drops were tenderly kissing her face.

Krishna... thank you thank you

As Neha slowly turned towards the office building, she leaped in the air... THANK YOU KRISHNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It was time to call her Mom. She would now be able to get her Mom to America. It was time for change. It was time for good times.

Neha, for the first time, felt the rain, all over her body.

Wash my pains away... wash them all away.

Atlanta

"Here's the cash... please don't hurt me..." Raju was pleading. He was close to a nervous breakdown.

The man stuffed his coat pockets with the cash from the tray. He then took the rest of the pipe from inside his coat sleeve and dropped it in the tray.

And then he gave Raju the look. His eyes contained no emotions, no feelings. It had simply death written in them. The man lighted the match and smiled at Raju.

"Please don't please don't."

"Die you fucking Indian"

He dropped the lighted match inside the tray. The gasoline immediately caught fire. The man ran towards his vehicle. It was time for him to take off.

"Please Sir Please Sir..." Raju screamed "PLEASE SIR HELP HELP HELP BACHAO BACHAO BACHAO."

He tried to open door, but it had been shut from the outside.

Raju tried slipping back into a corner to get far away from the fire. But there was no room to escape. As the fire started touching other inflammable material in his booth, its hunger grew, eating more, growing bigger and bigger...

"SOMEONE HELP SOMEONE HELP SOMEONE HELP BHAGWAN BACHAO BHAGWAN"

The fire was a foot away from Raju. He started kicking the door. The heat and the smoke were quickly getting to him. "GOD PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME"

The door refused to budge open. His feet were the first that lit up. Raju desperately tried using his hands to put the fire out on his feet.

There was no escape. The fire engulfed his legs. Raju started kicking his legs in the inconsequential space. The fire had now reached his chest.

The rains got heavy. The roads were empty except for a few passing cars. A taxi driver noticed the fire in the booth and dialed 911.

Raju's whole body was engulfed in fire. He made one last desperate attempt to kick the door open. The fire had weakened parts of the wooden door. A part of the door tore open with Raju's kick.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA HELP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Raju tried squeezing himself out of the opening. The sharp burning edges of wood ripped open his soft burning flesh. Raju managed to squeeze out. It was darkness. The fire had eaten his eyes out. Now, out of the cabin, Raju ran. In his blinded ness, he bumped himself into the pillar of the gas station, knocking himself down.

Life was leaving Raju's body. He struggled, to get up but fell down. He tried crawling out in a random direction.

The rain... THE RAIN THE RAIN... RUN OUT IN THE RAIN...

Raju tried crawling out of the shed of the gas station. He could hear the rain. He was close. He was damn close.

No no no... I can't die... I just bought the gas station... life is getting better...

Raju was a foot closer from the rain, where the over head shed of the gas station ended. The drops of rain were falling barely twelve inches away from him.

Raju gave himself another push to move forward. The fire had eaten away his outer skin. His inner organs were now melting away.

I can't die... I... just... station... mine

Raju tried pushing himself one last time... he didn't move.

Ram Ram Ramjee... help me... can't... die... station mine

With the last ounce of energy, Raju stretched his hand far out, in an attempt to reach the rain.

It was pouring heavily now. And as Raju took his last breath, a drop of rain reached the tip on his outstretched hand, landing on his index finger. The direction of the wind changed. Many rain drops followed the first one. And a few simply settled down in Raju's burnt palm that was facing the sky.

As the last breath left Raju's body, he had his last thought, before darkness enveloped him forever...

Rains... were supposed to be... lucky...

La Jolla, San Diego

Vineesh had his eyes closed, fighting the tears from spilling over. His wet drenched clothes were sticking to his body. Jenna... I can't... I can't marry anyone else... Perhaps it's time to break away from my family... Jenna would never agree to this.

Vineesh opened his eyes. Rain drops mixed with his tears as they rolled down his cheeks. Maya came to the porch to see Vineesh getting wet in the rain.

"Vineeesh what are you doing???"

It broke Vineesh's train of sadness for a moment.

"I... thought..."

"What? Get in you fool. I'll fetch you a towel."

She rushed in to get a towel for Vineesh.

He stared back at the ocean. His brother would be here anytime now. He knew how it would go. The family couldn't accept anyone outside his community, so Jenna was out of question. His brother would come down on him, strong and heavy.

Jenna would then become a dream... a dream that I could never bring to life.

A car in the parking lot on his right, honked once. Vineesh kept staring at the ocean I have to meet Jenna... once... God... please let me meet her once.

The car in the parking lot honked twice now. Vineesh looked in the direction of the sound. His jaw dropped.

His two brothers and their wives were standing in the rain in the parking lot looking at him.

Jenna was standing between them, smiling.

Vineesh still had his drop jaw expression when Jenna rushed towards him and embraced him.

"Whaaat what what's going on?"

Jenna kissed him.

"Your brothers would like you to marry no one else but Me." there was a twinkle in her eyes.

"What? How did that happen?"

"They somehow found my number and called me up two nights ago. They all came last evening and we all met for dinner where we talked and talked."

"What?"

His eldest brother walked in.

"You idiot!!! Why didn't you tell us about her before? I'm not sure we would have been able to find anyone better than her in the whole world for you."

"But..."

"No buts. Come on. Let's go in. I'm hungry and we have to find a pundit for a good day for both of you to get married."

As the family moved inside the bistro, Vineesh held Jenna tightly in her arms.

"How did this happen?"

Jenna moved her mouth close to his ear and whispered

"Magic."

And as the rains poured, the couple embraced each other tighter than they ever had.

Seattle

Neha was jumping over the poodles of water as she jogged her way back to the office building. There was glow on her face. She was smiling as she dialed the number on her cell phone.

"Mom... pack you bags!!! You are coming to America!!!"

Atlanta

The gas station was swamped with fire men, medics and police cars. Raju's body was being strapped before being pushed into the ambulance.

In between this crowd, Raju's uncle was sitting down on his knees, crying inconsolably. The files containing the bank's approved documents had slipped out of his hands, as the papers flew around getting wet in the rain. Why him? God why him? He was one hour away from becoming the owner of this gas station. Why him?

Orange County

The medic looked at Mary. "He'll survive"

Mary smiled and looked at Akhil. He was semi conscious and had his eyes half open.

"Thank you."

"No Sir. Thank you." She took his hands in hers and kissed them. Akhil looked out of the ambulance's window.

It was still raining.

But he didn't feel sad anymore.

La Jolla, San Diego

Vineesh moved down on his knees as he held Jenna's hand. The rain made it difficult to keep his eyes open while looking up. Jenna gasped.

"Jenna, my angel... will you marry me?"

Jenna kneeled down and held him close to her.

"Yes. Yes. Yes."

Vineesh tenderly held Jenna's face in his palms and leaned forward to kiss her lips. He opened his eyes and realized that they both had tears in their eyes.

Seattle . Atlanta . Orange County . San Diego

And as each of them flowed and sank further into the wave of emotions, they all looked up at the sky... at the same time.

The rain... It had stopped.

Movie Review : Yun Hota To Kya Hota : Flat Bubbly

Desi Train — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 14:59:57 EDT

You start to uncork the champagne. One of the top actors of our times has come out with his first directorial venture in the land of cinema. Naseeruddin Shah, despite his many lows, is still a powerhouse, a library, a school of acting in himself.

Time to celebrate. Press play, sit back, push your footrest up and enjoy.

Oh wait a minute! Champagne to kholo bhaiee (Hinglish: Open the champagne you ass). Unfortunately, the champagne's flat and has no fizz. It's equivalent to drinking an extra sour grape juice, that's bound to have you spending the next 38 hours of your life in the rest room. No boom boom here.

And the movie, just like the bottle of champagne, can be capped back, put in it's box and put on the mantle of your decorative pieces in your living room. The purpose? To serve as a reminder that not all good things have a happy climax. Premature ejaculation and non performance can be the greatest assholes in your bedding (or sofa or wherever you have sex on) life.

Though not everything is bad in this Hota, Nahin Hota, Whatever Hota, which is an amalgamation of four parallel stories reaching one climax.

So we have an about to leave for America guy (Shergill, not much to do here) in bed with his runaway bride (Konkana Sen Sharma, efficient as always). Bride soon realizes she lives in a zoo what with a cranky American mom who gave up her "trailer trash American life" (her words not mine) to marry an Indian and become an Indian citizen. Mera Bharat Mahan! (Hinglish: The Indian director/actor Manoj Kumar is Great!). Add to the cranky momma in law, is a Sis-in-law, who should be every man's nightmare.

Sis-in-law looks very capable of chopping your mini-me off after having sex with you. Boo darna zaroori hai (Hinglish: Do not fear for the technology of reattaching penises is here, so go and have sex with the crazy girl, get cut and come home after a reattachment surgery). Add to this crazy zoo, is the father in law who keeps looking silently at the two beeatches (sorry could not find an appropriate word) of the house, too busy feeding fish and working on having the longest beard in this world.

With great pain do I inform you that the father in law is played by none other than Naseer's partner in crime in the cult classic Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron. What a tragedy to see Ravi Baswani falling from JBDY and other classics like Chashme Baddoor, in the messy YHTKY.

Parallel story two has an agent (Paresh Rawal) who for 12 lakhs will drop you in America under the garb of you being a garba / dandia performer in his troupe. Things go skidding again for him when the love of his life returns after ten years, begging him to take her daughter away to Amayreeca, far away from the drunkard father.

The part solely survives based on, who else, but the ever dependable Paresh Rawal. Getting into the skin of the Gujarati agent who will not settle for anything less than his quoted amount of 12 lakhs, Paresh breathes life into the role making this segment absolutely watchable. Here is an actor who very clearly and visibly, in such a fine way communicates to the viewer the "character" of the character. Watch his scenes outside the US Embassy or the ones Boston airport.

And then there's Ratna Pathak Shah as his lost love who plays her part with absolutely no problems.

The third parallel story gets tricky. Here's the part which got the most crap from critics and bloggers. It involves a cocaine-sniffing stock broker Salim (Irrfan, fluctuates between kick-ass and pure ass) along with his brother Javed (Karan Khanna, ably played) who have got their green card and are ready to leave for the States. Sons of a retired female don (all hail the women's lib) played by dance director, Saroj Khan (What the???), the guys get entrapped in an incident which accelerates their jumping on the next flight out of the country.

But our Salim, besides his love for sniffing coke, is madly in love with an older woman who teaches hunks on how to dance. Suhasini Mulay's casting as the sex crazed mature woman who teaches ballet/dance or whatever it is, has been at the receiving end of most of the critics. True, it could be a borderline miscasting of the century, but hell wait. Why? Was something wrong in Mulay's performance? Well, no, if you keep aside that none of the characters in the whole project were given a well rounded structure in a way that would hit your heart.

So the only reason (for critics' ire) could be that the impression of Bharatiya Mata created by Mulay in her past roles is so strong and deep that it is simply impossible to digest her character in the present project.

How can actors afford to break the moulds they are trapped in, if the press themselves do not give them the permission to change or break it?

Agreed that Mulay's character may make many throw up, cause hell, it's Suhasini Mulay, and no she should not be doing such I kiss young men in my bedroom kind of roles. Wait! Who are we to judge what character an actor should play? Are we now trying to control them and then rue the fact that there is no experimentation done in Bollywood?

Mulay and Naseer, have just tried one. In my eyes, again it is borderline miscasting, because of the strong memories of Mulay's past good momma roles. Yet don't forget that she came back to the world of cinema in the role of a meanie politician in Hu Tu Tu.

Coming back to Irrfan, I'm not sure whether I should sit him down and talk to him about the screwed up roles he's taking up or perhaps I should simply skip the talk and start kicking his ass to get his sensible button switched ON.

Some of the scenes where he invariably leaves his stamp of his brilliance invariably are messed up by Naseer, the captain himself. His eyes opening to the fact that his love has a secret - the whole scene was written perhaps as if the writers were in a big rush (not Uttam Gada, who's washed his hands off this project, on the pretext that nothing he originally wrote is in the movie). Rush for what? Did the movie set have just one restroom?

Further Irrfan's breakdown in front of Mulay's apartment is defocused by Naseer's camera decisions. Splits and jumps in movements do not accentuate the pain. This was Irrfan's highpoint and the camera and scene editing should have just let go and remained steady on a fine actor giving his only best scene in the entire movie. Bad Decision.

The fourth story is about a student (newcomer Ankur Khanna, promising talent) who can't leave for the States to pursue his MS on account of lack of finances and personal problems that hold him back. On the side he's in love perhaps with Khushboo (Ayesha Takia, not bad, not bad at all), one of Bombay's rich elite, who in the end, helps him out to reach the US.

Of course the constant reminder of September 11, shows us where the movie is headed to. A sad ending. But again, the climax is botched up. Wasn't there a better way to execute the same ending but differently? Again, the feeling is one of something being rushed, running out of ideas or plain laziness on part of the team to give us such below par execution in the final reels.

And someone please call Shemaroo the DVD maker/distributor for this project (and also Ahista Ahista, that I saw at one go). The first chapter of the DVD tells us not to watch pirated DVDs cause of course it's illegal, but also because of the poor picture and sound quality. Well, either Shemaroo has turned video pirates themselves or they are using some primitive tools to dish out the DVDs. The picture quality of many of Shemaroo's DVDs are HORRIBLE. And I'm putting this mildly.

It's disgusting to see such a crappy picture quality where instead of the actor moving from point A to point B, you see a body with a face that is only made up of colored squares moving on your 32 inch LCD. I dare not imagine what it would look like on a 42 inch plus up plasma. And mind you the picture is being pumped in by my Bose system.

If this is the quality of "original" DVDs that we should expect from Shemaroo, then it's time to reverse my decision on watching movies on pirated discs.

And in the end, it's time to face the facts about Naseer as a director. He may have the vision, but dare I make the statement that, he isn't as good a director as he is an actor. Directing plays is one thing, but movies are an entirely different ball game and Naseer is lacking on many fronts. Not all concepts of playwriting can be copied and pasted into movie making and screen writing.

The concept of four parallel stories is definitely worth a dekko, but where is the smooth integration and handshaking between the segments when the story jumps to and fro between them. I wish Renu Saluja were alive, for she would have worked her magic on such a mouthwatering venture. Unfortunately Hina Saiyada has miles to go before being somewhere up in the big league.

It would be interesting to see how different would the project have turned out, had Naseer stuck to the original script by Uttam Gada. For better or worse, it was Naseer's call, and he hasn't done the job well. Agar original script hota to kya hota?

C Plus. Go flat in. Come flat out.

Fiction: The Chase : An American, A Terrorist and The Guru - Two

Desi Train — Fri, 8 Sep 2006 16:50:42 EDT

Chapter Two : The Hunter is focused, the Hunted... Sly

Darshuk, Afghanistan. 2am.

The radio crackled in one of the mud houses of the village. The sentry had been enjoying a hookah, a Kalashnikov by his side. He rushed in to get the message.

A few minutes' later, two armed men in their late twenties were running towards the east. In about fifteen minutes they were at the outpost of the village. The outpost was used to watch out for American troop movement and relay warnings to the hiding members of the Taliban in the village of Darshuk.

The men at the outpost today had halted the traveler. The signature on the inside of his ivory pendant confirmed his true identity. They radioed the village of his arrival and waited for the two guards to receive the traveler.

The two armed men bowed and took the reins of the horse, the traveler was riding on, and started walking back to the village.

They stopped in front of a slightly bigger house than the adjoining ones. About half a dozen people stood in the courtyard. The two escorts helped the traveler off the horse and shouldered his body weight as he barely managed to walk into the house.

Harkat Ul-Daulah sat on a Persian carpet. An oil lamp lighted the room. Ul-Daulah was one of those citizens in Afghanistan who provided a safe conduit for the people of Taliban and Al-Qaida. Junctions. That's what people like Ul-Daulah were called. Terrorists running from the law would halt at these junctions for a while before moving to the next.

The traveler stepped into the room and with his weak body tried to bow to Ul-Daulah. Ul-Daulah got up and embraced the traveler.

"Allah have mercy... you are sick Raffiq"

Raffiq sat on the floor and pushed himself towards the walls to rest his back on.

"Fifteen months. It's been fifteen months"

Ul-Daulah kissed his holy beads.

"The games of Allah are not for us to understand... Rest dear brother. We will speak tomorrow. The American troops are close by, but they won't reach Darshuk in another two days."

There was no answer.

Raffiq had passed out again.

...........................................................................

"Dad is it called Mumbai or Bombay?"

Andy smiled as he adjusted the seat belt of his six year old daughter.

"It's Mumbai dear. Though they used to call it Bombay once."

"Umm... I like Bombay better."

"Then you shall call it Bombay" - it was Christina who tucked the blanket over their only child...

"Now go to sleep and when you wake up, we will be in Bombay"

Andy switched off the light and moved to his seat next to Christina. She took his arm and folded hers around it, while letting her head rest on his shoulder.

"Thank you"

Andy looked at her. "For what hon?"

"For taking both of us to your roots"

Andy smiled. "Roots? Hell. I've barely been to India myself. You know what Sheila was saying the other day?"

"Uhuh... what did she say?"

"That you as an American are more of an Indian than I am"

Christina laughed. "That's because you are more American than I am"

"See we were just meant to be for each other. An American who's an Indian at heart and an Indian who's American by soul"

She smiled and closed her eyes as she snuggled further into him. Andy kissed her forehead and went back to reading the various reports of the day his secretary had emailed him.

The seat belt sign went on as the pilot announced that "We are experiencing a bit of a rough weather"

The very next instant the plane experienced a huge bump... the scotch in Andy's right hand nearly spilled over...

...........................................................................

The road was bumpy and dusty. Andy Raheja covered his nose with a shawl so as to not breath the fine sand particles while holding one of the wooden planks of the truck's wall to keep his body from falling out of the vehicle.

They had been traveling in the army truck for four hours. Andy checked his watch. It was 2am. He looked around. KC, Planman and DJ were doing their own thing. Checking their automatics, testing their night vision and other electronics, while talking to Bill Rosedrum, who stationed himself at the landing strip and set up his communications gear.

Bill was right now talking to talking to 5 different people located in five different cities in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen and United States.

KC muttered a "10 4" and took his ear piece out. He looked a Andy.

"We'll be in Darshuk in about an hour"

Andy merely nodded. His hands moved to check for the Beretta tucked in his holster. He had never used a gun before. Except for target practice, which Bill Rosedrum had insisted up, before embarking on the journey. Andy adjusted the Beretta and looked out at the dusty road coming out from the under the truck and disappearing into the darkness.

I want to look in your eyes. I want to look in your eyes before I kill you. I want to see fear in your eyes. I want to see the pain in your eyes before I kill you

Andy closed his eyes. He heard a faint sound of helicopters whizzing in the sky.

...........................................................................

"It's called Bhelpuri"

"Beelpulee"

"Bhelpuri"

"Bale polly"

"Bhelpuri"

"Belpuli"

"That's close" Andy smiled as he served his daughter another spoon of Bombay's famous fast food.

"Ssss it's too hot dad!"

Andy started laughing and pushed a glass of Coke towards his daughter. Christina was taking pictures of the Gateway of India from the balcony of their hotel room at the Taj.

"Honey, tell me the story of the Taj Mahal again"

Andy walked behind Christina and embraced her. "It was built by a Mughal Emperor in the memory of his wife. Tragically he spent his last days watching the Taj from a tiny window in his prison cell"

"Why was he in prison Daddy?"

"Cause he had an evil son called Aurangzeb"

"Ola ola olangdeb"

"Aurangzeb"

"Olongeb"

"Aurangzeb"

"Ozeb"

"Aurangzeb"

"Why do Indians have difficult names dad?"

"You honey are half Indian too" Christina looked over Andy's shoulder to remind her daughter's origin... she smiled and continued "Do you remember what your name means dear?"

"Yes"

"What?"

"It's the name of a great Indian saint who fell in love with God."

"Good job Meera"

"Dad, where are we going next?"

"We are going to a famous market where they sell nothing but jewelry. So we can buy some for you and your mom"

Christina pinched Andy's cheeks "Yeah and so that Dad can see beautiful Indian women decked in beautiful jewelry and realize what he's been missing"

Andy playfully knocked his head on Christina's.

"Yeah. I've been missing something but it's not there at the jewelry market."

"So where is it my dear hubby? More importantly what is it?"

Andy bent down and kissed the stomach of a 3 month pregnant Christina. "This. A baby brother for Meera"

"Am I getting a brother Dad?"

...........................................................................

The commandos were battle ready. Some had their eyes closed saying a silent prayer, while some stared at nothingness inside the 4 choppers flying over the hills of countryside Afghanistan. JD Morgan checked his watch. In 4 minutes they would be hovering over their destination.

About two hours ago Morgan was ready to call it a day at the base camp in Kabul when he received the orders. Twenty minutes later, his men stood before him going over the plan of attack. It would shock and awe line of attack. Surprise them, force in, take no prisoners, clean up and go back to the base. Total estimated time of execution: Sixty minutes tops.

Morgan patted his breast pocket and took his wallet out. It had the picture of his two daughters and his wife. As usual, before every attack, Morgan kissed the picture and said a silent prayer to Jesus Christ and Mother Mary.

The pilot looked back and screamed on top his voice so he could be heard in the midst of the heavy sound of the chopper. "3 MINUTES TO DARSHUK"

Morgan nodded. He looked at his men. "GET READY BOYS. LET'S KICK SOME TALIBAN ASS"

Twelve pairs of hands suddenly started moving over their weapons and battle gear.

Morgan's team along with three other commando teams was flying to Darshuk in four choppers. Their mission was to search and destroy the Taliban men, information about which, Morgan had received roughly two hours ago.

...........................................................................

HE sat on a bed with HIS eyes closed and a faint smile on HIS lips. HIS head was cocked slightly to the left and a bit upwards.

The housewives of the neighborhood were performing aarti to HIM. They held a small stainless-steel plate over which they had lighted a small oil lamp. Each took turns to hold the plate and circle it, as a form of worship, in front on HIM.

They ended the aarti by bowing in front of HIM, touching HIS feet on their forehead.

HE looked at the bed sheet that covered the bed.

"Kanta... are these new bedsheets that you have bought?"

Kanta bowed and smiled. There was sweetness in her heart each time HE spoke to her. It was true, though, for everyone HE spoke to.

"Yes BABAJI... I bought it yesterday"

HE suddenly got up and rushed out of the room. The housewives dropped all that they held and rushed after him. The men simply followed.

Kanta's husband Raju was the first to speak. "BABAJI, what are you looking for?"

HE looked at Raju with the sweetest smile and melted all Raju's hidden and unhidden pains away "I WANT TO TELL BRIJ THAT YOU BOUGHT A NEW BEDSHEET... BRIJ BRIJ BRIJ WHERE ARE YOU DONKEY?"

Brij rushed in from the kitchen "BABAJI, I was preparing tea for you."

"LEAVE IT." HE pointed at the housewives. "THESE MAs WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. LET'S GO"

Suddenly the whole house turned topsy turvy.

"No BABAJI. PLEASE STAY"
"BABAJI... PLEASE STAY"
"BABAJI... HAVE TEA AT LEAST"

HE looked back at them "You all are so unkind to me." and HE started laughing.

Two ladies dropped at HIS feet holding it tightly "BABAJI... please stay until the morning"

HE lightly tapped the back of their heads. "OK OK, I'LL HAVE SOME TEA AND THEN LEAVE"

HE walked back into the room. Brij took a blanket and wrapped it around HIM. HE was watching the hills of Nainital from the window of the house.

"BABAJI, where to from here?"

"Almorah. The pujari of the temple... Hanumant said that he wasn't feeling feel these days. Let's see how he is doing and see how well kept MY Hanumanji is"

"Please don't go BABAJI" - the men and women sitting on the floor in the room pleaded.

HE turned away from the window and looked at one of them sitting closest to the bed. HE started rubbing HIS chin and started laughing.

"ULLU KA PATTHA. WHERE AM I GOING? I AM EVERYWHERE YOU IDIOT. WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!"

Then HE suddenly looked at the next person and tapped his head.

"I WON'T LET YOU ALL GO EVER. HOWEVER BAD AND EVIL YOU MAY BE. OK I WON'T GO IF YOU TELL ME HOW FAR IS PESHAWAR FROM HERE?"

"Huh?"

HE STARTED LAUGHING HARD
"WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP, THE BIRD HAS FLOWN BUT YOU WILL CATCH IT. NOT TODAY NOT TODAY... WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP ULLU KA PATTHA WAKE UP WAKE UP"

Brij smiled as he stood next to the bed. The games HE played. The games HE played, will never be understood by beings so mere. The blanket slipped off HIS shoulder and Brij rushed to put it back on, while the men and women in the room laughed each time HE screamed WAKE UP...

...........................................................................

"RAFFIQ WAKE UP RAFFIQ WAKE UP RAFFIQ RAFFIQ"

Raffiq opened his eyes to see Ul-Daulah standing next to him.

"RUN... THE AMERICANS ARE COMING!!! RUN... WITH Afzal. He'll take you to Qadri's safe house in Peshawar."

Raffiq got up and rushed behind Afzal with whatever little energy remained in his body. He could hear the choppers. His brains calculated an approximate distance of 4 miles that the choppers were from Darshuk. The two men mounted the horses and rushed out of Darshuk.

Raffiq didn't look back until they had crossed the outpost of Darshuk where he had stood a few hours ago. In the moonlight he could see four choppers now hovering over Darshuk, as commandos started dropping down on the grounds of Darshuk. The sound of machine gun fire started echoing in the hills surrounding Darshuk.

Allah... save your men. He muttered a silent prayer.

"RAFFIQ don't stop, lets hit it"

Raffiq turned towards Afzal and both started racing their horses southwest, towards Pakistan.

...........................................................................

"NO NO NO NO..." KC was going ballistic over the microphone

"Desert Saints have raided our target."

Andy got up and walked towards KC as DJ muttered "Shit!". Planman immediately opened his map and started poking into it. "WE SHOULD BE THERE IN 15 MINUTES" he screamed.

Andy couldn't believe this.

"What happened???"

KC passed him another earpiece. It was Bill Rosedrum at the other end, who had just passed on the info.

"What's going on, Bill? I thought the West side troops wouldn't be entering Darshuk in another 48 hours"

"Andy... listen to me. It's the Desert Saints. They had intel on Taliban in Darshuk. And they just went in. We can't do a darn thing about it. I'm glad my contact in Washington at least found the time to pass on this intel as soon as he received it."

Andy looked at KC "So what now?"

KC offered his frank opinion, as always, "Darshuk will pretty much be flattened in the next 15 - 20 minutes. That is if the Taliban isn't in large numbers... I don't think our target will be there. He's too precious to be kept in there. They must have packed him off as soon as they heard the choppers."

"It would be idiot to go in when DS is going pow wow" Planman said without looking up from his map.

"Listen guys give me 15. One Five. One of our guys is a DS platoon. Morgan. Andy, if you remember, he was the guy in Washington..."

"YES YES I REMEMBER. CAN YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM"

"I sure will try my best. Park yourselves at the 36/26 point marked on the map."

Andy took his earpiece out and handed it to KC.

DJ tapped their Afghan driver and started giving him instructions.

Planman had not looked up from the map. He was still searching for something. What it was, Andy had no idea. The adrenalin flowing high in his body had reached an anticlimax, frustrating him. He beat his fist on the wall of the truck. "DAMN IT!!!"

He walked back to the edge of the truck and took his seat. Run Asshole. Run. I'll chase you to the end of the fucking earth. Run Motherfucker

...........................................................................

"Daddy"

"Yes sweetheart"

"When is my brother going to come?"

"In another six months dear"

"Daddy"

"Yes sweetheart"

"Where is he now?"

"He's sleeping"

"Where Daddy?"

"In God's lap"

"And he will wake up in six months?"

"Yes dear"

"Daddy, that's not fair. Mom waked me every morning. Why can't I sleep for long like my brother?"

...........................................................................

"Ask him where did he go?" Morgan's voice was firm.

The translator barked out in Pushto to the terrorist on the floor. The terrorist's right leg was shattered by a grenade the commandos had lobbed in the house.

Grimacing in pain, the terrorist slowly muttered something back to the translator.

Morgan didn't need any translation. The words were very clear. He turned his mouth towards the handset he held in his left hand.

"Rosedrum, we have the coordinates of your target"

...........................................................................

The beep came in exactly fifteen minutes.

"Guys... turn back. Our man's escaped. But Morgan's got info on where he is headed"

Andy paused and then spoke "Where is he headed to Bill?"

"Andy. It's Peshawar. Come back. We are going to Peshawar"

KC waved his finger in the air. "Turn around boys. We are going back to base and then to Peshawar"

Planman finally looked up and addressed KC "He'll be there in 72 hours. We've got to block him from leaving Peshawar. If he escapes us in there, we are looking at India where he will most probably run to. And if he reaches India, we can spend the rest of our lives searching him and yet not find him"

"WE WON'T. WE WILL FUCKING FIND HIM" Andy screamed "THAT'S BECAUSE HE WILL DIE AT MY HANDS HE WILL FUCKING DIE AT MY HANDS"

KC moved towards Andy and held him by his shoulders. "Sit down. Take a rest Andy. We'll get him"

Andy sat down and looked out of the truck. Too tired to battle the emotions kicking inside him, he let lose and rested his back against the wall of the truck. He closed his eyes. And saw his daughter smiling at him

"Did you get him Daddy?"

Andy immediately opened his eyes. Not yet my dear sweetheart. Not yet. But soon I will. Your dad will get him soon. I promise, my sweet angel. Daddy will not rest till he catches the man who killed you. This, I promise.

Movie Review : Lage Raho Munnabhai : Vaat Lag Gayee Mamu

Desi Train — Fri, 1 Sep 2006 13:18:47 EDT

The credits start rolling and I rush out to the men's room. Do the required thing. Wash my hands and put them under the auto dryer which frugally blows hot air in a micro millimeter thin stream, which I have to search for all around that massive machine bolted to the wall. I find it after a 20 second search, dry my hands, and look in the mirror admiring my freshly shaved head.

My right hand moves up to caress my tan shiny scalp and then I notice it... my reflection in the mirror.

The hand in my reflection doesn't move up. Instead the hand moves out of the mirror and slaps my left cheek.

Holy Shit! It's my twin. oz Part 2, who steps out of the mirror.

I have always avoided introducing him to me poojaniya (Hinglish : revered) readers. Honestly he embarrasses me. He can't begin a sentence without the word "Fuck" and can't end a sentence without saying "In your auntie's panties"

oz Part 2: Fuck kya Mamu (Hinglish: Idiot, Uncle, Idiot-uncle)? Trying to avoid me for so long in your auntie's panties?

oz: Shit. How did you find me? Fuck. Inside my brain some locha happening. (Hinglish: disturbance)

[SLAP!!!!] oz Part 2 slaps me hard.

oz: What the hell is this for?

oz Part 2: Fuck chutiye (Hinglish: bleep). Your brain certainly has gone chemically imbalanced that you are seeing me in your auntie's panties.

oz: Shit. What the hell are you doing here?

[SLAP!!!!]

oz: What the hell is that for now?

oz Part 2: Fuck Mamu. Why would I be in a movie theater? Apun idhar movie dekhne ko aaya hain, hilane ko nahin in your auntie's panties. (Hinglish: Here to see movie, not shake/shag/both)

oz: So what do you think of it so far? Freshness thoda (Hinglish:some) missing. Don't you think so?

[SLAP!!!!]

oz: Fuck why this?

oz Part 2: Fuck Mamu. Freshness tere jhat ka baal hain? Kabhi bhi nikal lene ka? (Hinglish: Freshness is not equal to your tush that you can pluck a hair every time you feel like it) What Mamu? It is impossible. How can you get an unlimited supply of freshness in your auntie's panties?

oz: Agreed. I'll give that to Hirani (director) and Chopra (producer). But I think the story isn't as streamlined as it was in Part 1. While MBBS was a smooth drive, while in Lage Raho you can feel the "try", "work", "attempt" to create the same magic.

oz Part 2: Fuck Mamu, kuch bhi nahin bolne ka kya (Hinglish: Don't just blabber anything). Lage Raho is stuffed with more characters, more situations, more masala than in Part 1. Of course story thoda bahut idhar udar slip hogayela hain, but in the end story vaapas track pe aya ke nahin? It all comes a full circle in your auntie's panties.

oz: Yeah. But obviously there was a huge push-pull in Hirani's mind to take the story, here, there, everywhere. But he does manage to bring it back in the end. Trying to make the implausible, believable, Hirani does succeed to an extent. And l like the concept of "chemical locha" and how Hirani uses the locha to make it real in the end, leaving it to the audience to believe what could and could not be true.

oz Part 2: Fuck locha. Talk about the hot Vidya Balan. Doesn't she act exceptionally well in your auntie's panties?

oz: Oh yes. This shows that her performance in Parineeta was no fluke. We do have a Smita Patil - Shabana Azmi rolled into one here. No doubt about that. I like the way she uses her body and eyes to underline her dialogue delivery.

oz Part 2: Fuck, kya body hain. But full credit to the Boman Irani. Shit what a Sardar he plays in your auntie's panties!!!

oz: Oh yeah! Boman is Boman and here is one actor who comes out with so fine nuances in the character he plays, which is all it takes to push a performance into grade A. I admire the fact that he has not played any character so far which is pure black and white. It always has shades of grey and that little Boman extra he puts in the characters... Lucky Singh included.

oz Part 2: Fuck we are agreeing on something man!!! This is a time to celebrate in your auntie's panties.

oz: But I don't think, the characters of the 6 - 7 buddhas (Hinglish: old men) came out as well. That portion has been seen time and again in other movies and I think that played out as a devil that killed much of the freshness in this movie.

[SLAP!!!!]

oz (rubbing cheek): WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?

oz Part 2: Fuck, tere deemag ghaas charne ko gayela hain (Hinglish: Your brain munching grass during chow chow time). So what if the buddhas have been used in other movies before? The buddhas were a vital part in moving the story even if you and I liked it or not. So don't give me - I don't like the Buddhas in your auntie's panties.

oz: Hell no! If I don't like something I will say it. For example I thought the movie loses it's grip over you during just middle portions.

[SLAP!!!!]

oz Part 2: Fuck pooch abhi kayko mara in your auntie's panties. (Hinglish: Ask why you got this slap?)

oz: Kayko? (Hinglish: Why?)

oz Part 2: Fuck negative bahut bol rayela hain. Atleast Hirani seems to be an honest movie maker who doesn't feel that his movie is shit slow and boring, but keeps quiet about it after his movie turns into a hit - Unlike Rakesh Roshan who felt Krish was boring and slow but kept quite once it became a hit. Kuch positive bolne ka na Mamu in your auntie's panties. (Hinglish: Too much negative, speak some positive)

oz: Oh OK. The movie does keep you smiling. The trend I suppose seems to be on creating interesting scenes sprinkled all through out a movie. Scenes that will pull you in, in spite of the fact, that on a macro level, the story goes weak in it's knees. Rang De Basanti, Omkara and now Lage Raho. Perhaps it is the penultimate step to writers and directors pulling it all together to give us tighter stories. But yes, in spite of its entire drawbacks, Lage Raho is a cut above the rest and could be considered as a nice source for a three hour entertainment on a beautiful sunny weekend. And yes, after a long time we have a movie, that does provide a social message. That I have to give to Hirani. It was neatly and nicely put.

[SLAP!!!!!]

oz: Fuck fuck fuck. WHAT IS THIS SLAP FOR?

oz Part 2: Fuck re. Lamba lamba chodne ka nahin (Hinglish: Don't leave long long). Acting kebaare mein kuch bol yaar. Didn't you see anybody else, besides Balan and Boman, acting in your auntie's panties?

oz: Arshad Warsi, simply breezes through his establish character of Circuit. The spiciness of Circuit in Lage Raho, though, does not match up to that seen in MBBS. Whereas Sanjay Dutt plays Munna as if he is one in real life. Munnabhai, quite frankly, would not be Munnabhi, without Sanjay Dutt. In short Dutt provides the soul the character essential needed to come to life. In the end, we do have a nice storyteller in Rajkumar Hirani. Lage Raho may not on the same quality heights reached by MBBS, but it's a decent and earnest attempt.

oz Part 2: Fuck kya bolela hain boss! How about grading this movie in your auntie's panties?

I start rubbing my left cheek which has been used for target slapping practice by oz Part 2.

oz: Ahem... ummm... since this is part 2 of a movie, why don't you, my dear Part 2, grade this movie?

oz Part 2: Fuck are you serious bhidu? Water coming in my eyes over this generosity you just displayed in your auntie's panties.

oz: Oh no no. Go ahead my dear twin. Go ahead. Look at the readers and tell them the grades.

oz Part 2 (emotional and tears in his eyes): Fuck Baap! B Plus. Saala go and see the movie when you get the time from your auntie's panties.

Movie Review : Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna : sKANK it up baby

Desi Train — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 14:04:59 EDT

Ever tried stretching your arms straight up for 3 hours at a stretch? Ever tried standing on one leg for more than 3 hours? Ever tried sitting in a lotus position for more than 3 hours? You did!!! HA... try this - Ever tried sitting on your two cushiony bums applying the same pressure on each of them, while forcing your out-to-pop-out-of-the-sockets eyeballs to intensely focus on watching Karan Johar's Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna?

If you did that last one, I bet you must have experienced the following hallucination that I've incurred for over 2 hours after the movie was done, out, closed out of an oz life. Please email me if you have experienced the same. Your emails will be kept confidential. And you will get a secret blue envelope which will have an invitation to join the newly oz created secret community called Bum Bum Bhole.

The hallucination is this : Your body parts start talking to you. Don't believe me? Please be my guest. Please get up, walk out and drive to the nearest theater that's showing KANK. If you don't get the tickets you are lucky. But you still want to dive into that disappearing hole of your misfortunes. So what do you do? You buy the ticket from scalpers a.k.a. black marketers. HA!!! Read the last 6 hours of oz's life

12:30pm

oz at theater window : 1 ticket for KANK please.

window to oz: Skunk? We don't have any movie by that name.

oz to theater window: Kank Kank Kank. Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. Kank. Are you in the movie business?

window to oz: Shut up. Pay 8 bucks and get the hell in.

oz thanks the window, walks into Screen Number 6 of the only shitty theater in Southern California called Naz8, which by all the bad luck desis can get, is also the only theater in Southern California which shows desi movies.

1:00pm

Movie starts. Camera shows falls leaves being swept away by 10,000 kilo watt fans. Titles show the story co-written by Shibani Bhatija. First panic attack. Writer of Fanaa. Middle finger looks to the index finger.

Middle finger : O Little one. Should I roll over you? It seems we are in trouble.

Index finger: No O Lambu. I have a good feeling about this.

1:45pm

So far characters have been introduced. Two sets of couples. Unhappy marriage. Unhappy situations. Unhappy tears. And unhappy eyeballs of oz.

Left eyeball of oz to the right eyeball of oz: Mother fucking son of a bitch. What stupid paaps did we commit that we were born as eyeballs for this son of a bitch.

Right eyeball of oz to the left eyeball of oz: Tell me about it. How could he? How could he? How could he fucking torture us with this SKANK?

oz to right eyeball: Hey watch your mouth. And it's KANK not SKANK you idiot.

10 minutes later

One husband from set one and one wife from set two are brought together and there is a push from Mr. Karan Johar to create love between them. That push feels like pushing my Dad's 1970 Ambassodor car, during my teens to jump start it. Which the car would faithfully do, each time. Unfortunately the push by Mr. Johar results in...

oz's right Bum (thinking): Fuck Fuck Fuck. I hope he gives me some relief by moving his fucking weight to the left. (Knock Knock)

Right Bum to oz: Asshole will you move over the left. Fuck I can't take this anymore.

Oz to RB: Screw you... (thinking: wait... that make me gay)... no forget that. You complain too much.

5 minutes later oz complies and begins to shift his weight to the left.

Left bum (thinking): Holy Mother Fucking RUN RUN RUN... He's shifting his body weight on me. HELP ME GOD HELP ME. SAVE ME FROM THIS BUM.

oz to Left Bum: You calling me a bum? You fucking bum.

Right Bum: O WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF!!!

Left Bum to oz: Yes you bum I'm calling you a bum. What crazy mother fucking idea made you come here to watch "this" movie. Look at me!!! I feel like crap.

oz to Left Bum: Shut up and let me watch this movie you fucking bum.

2:15pm

oz's right brain to oz's left brain: Son of a gun. Can you imagine the crap we have to decipher for this ass?

oz's left brain has just converted to oz's intelligence the following scene that oz's eyeballs have pulled in. A hamming Shah Rukh Khan standing next to a hamming Rani Mukherjee, who stands next to a look-I'm-so-lost-here Priety Zinta who stands next to Abhishek Bachchan (looking for all exit points in that scene), who stands next to I-make-the-ridiculous-look-pesticide-cool Amitabh Bachchan.

oz's left brain to the right brain: Fuck fuck fuck. I can't take this anymore. Did you check the scene I just converted to this moron's intelligence?

Right brain: Dude I'm already half asleep. I pity your job.

2:30pm

Intermission

The trailers of Kabul Express, Dhoom 2, Don bring mild relief before KANK starts again...

Left brain to right brain: FUCK DON'T JUST STAND THERE. DO SOMETHING!!!

Right brain immediately projects an image of Carmen Electra who starts taking off her clothes and looks at oz.

oz's Mini-me: Right brain!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU UPTO??? I can't do this man. I can't expand myself.

Right brain: O Savior of all please do something. Get this ass out of the theater and to the nearest blond out on the streets.

Mini-me: I can't. I'm weak. This fucker has been watching so many desi movies that it's changed me.

Right and Left brain in unison: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Mini-me: I used to be a big tall thick Bamboo when I was attached to this moron.

Right and Left brain in unison: So what are you now? You still look like his dick you prick. Get up and save us from this SKANK.

Mini-me: Alas my brothers... years of watching shitty movies with this ass has changed me. I am now no longer the big thick tall bamboo. Yes my brothers. I have changed. Years of watching shitty movies has transformed me into a... toothpick.

Right brain, Left brain, Right bum, Left bum, Eyeballs, fingers, hair, ears all cry out of shock in unison: TOOTHPICK!!!! And we thought you HAD THE BEST MOMENTS OF US ALL!!! FUCK WE ARE SCREWED.

oz to his body parts: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS COMMOTION ALL ABOUT?

oz's left bum pleading to oz: O Master!!! I beg you. I plead to you. Pray, please do shift you weight to the right. I can't take it anymore.

Meanwhile somewhere before or after the interval, Abhishek Bachchan screams - Why does my wife not want to sleep with me? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY....

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO - Those are the screams of the right bum as oz shifts all his weight on the right.

Left Bum: O fucking - what a relief.

Right Bum: You asshole. He wouldn't have moved if you hadn't said so. How much more time to go?

Left Brain: Umm... looks like another 90minutes.

Right Bum: FUCK MAN... I'm screwed.

Eyeballs suck in the image of the entire lead cast sitting on the dining table where the joke is that the husband from couple one is having an affair with the wife from couple two, which he actually is, but it is a joke, though it actually is true but others think it's a joke, but the husband from couple one and the wife from couple two, know it is a reality, still they smile because it is a joke, because for others on the table it is a joke but for them it is a reality which they are projecting as a joke which others on the table don't know it is a reality projected on the dining table as a joke but....

Left Brain: I GIVE UP FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT... I GIVE UP.

oz taps head: Hey hey hey... come one the scene is moving ahead. Interpret it will ya?

Right Brain to left brain: I feel your pain.

Left brain to right brain: Can't you do something here like... trying to get mini-me up?

Mini-me: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS SHIT. YOU THINK IT IS EASY SITTING ON THIS PRICKLY SEAT WATCHING THIS DICK OF A MOVIE????

Left Brain: So what do you think? My job's easy here? How much more time left?

Right Brain: Looks like another hour to go

Right Bum: ANOTHER HOUR... SOMEBODY HELP ME. I CAN'T CARRY THIS SHITTY WEIGHT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE... I'M GONNA ASK OZ TO MOVE OVER...

Left Bum to Right Bum: Mercy Mercy Mercy!!! Have pity on me oh right bum. Fuck look at me. I look like a crumpled piece of shitty paper. Please please please don't ask oz to move his weight on me... I'm begging you...

Right Bum: FUCK YOU!!! OZ MOVE TO THE LEFT... I CAN'T BEAR YOUR WEIGHT ANY MORE....

Cries of left bum heard all over the theater - NO NO NO NO NO NO NONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO KARAN JOHAR YOU FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

oz's left eyeball to right eyeball: Ever imagine if we could replace this whole movie and make it look like porn? Atleast that would save us and the poor fellows attached to oz.

Right eyeball to left: If I had hands I would have slapped you. Could you just shut up and let me concentrate on sucking in more trash. Fuck... I think I'm going to throw up... Did you see that?

Left eyeball (flabbergasted): Holy Shit. This is the end of the world. Shah Rukh Khan is humping Rani Mukherjee.

Mini-me: Let me see let me see!!!!!! oz open your zipper!!!!

oz opens zipper. Mini-me takes one look at the screen. Screams - DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMED FOREVER.

Left and Right brain in unison: What happened???

Mini-me: I was a bamboo, got demoted to a toothpick. FUCK THIS SRK-RANI Sex scene has now shrunk me to a grass needle. FUCK I CAN'T EVEN SEE MY SELF I'VE GOT SO THIN... SOMEBODY HELP ME... I'M SHRINKING!!!!

3:38pm

That folks was the tragedy I suffered for the last 4 hours.

I've had to quickly write up this warning, sorry, review before hitting the nearest bar and drowning my sorrows in hard alcohol which I hardly touch. But tonight. No one comes between me and the bottle.

If Self Indulgence could be measured on a scale then that scale will have Karan Johar and his passionate product KANK right up on the top.

Indulging in gawky sets, to dresses to pancake makeup, to battle ready eyeliners, - the only thing missing is an itsy bitsy tiny thing - called a story. The camera work is just about average. Editing, somebody please explain, why it gets so jumpy. Dialogues - I pray my mom and dad never get to hear it. eg: Father to Son "Call Girls call me" - and that is supposed to be a funny line.

Screenplay - From slow to very slow to tortoise slow to sudden change in events to slow to slowest to running the marathon to slow - in short - it would be a huge battle to even read it, if a copy of the script be placed in your hands.

This is Karan Johar at his worst. They say successful directors reach a peak from where it's very difficult to escape the clutches of the vanity of self indulgence. One truly believes that statement after watching KANK.

Of the cast, one may argue Amitabh is the saving grace - with his 15 minute role. I disagree. The comic relief provided by him may get a few smiles simply because it stands up against a mountain of drag. Transfer these Amitabh moments to a regular fluffy comedy of recent times and they may appear to be scenes of tragedy. But the energy input in trying to etch out the reality of a extravagant man, to best is passable at Amitabh's end.

Priety Zinta's been given a raw deal. It's as if Karan Johar lost all interest midway through her character development. Zinta at best comes out as a Bindu of 2006.

Rani Mukherjee tries hard to make some of those pretty outrageous scenes completely believable. In spite of having a lot of screen time, all she is given is to turn up on screen with tears or with a grumpy look. Plus the zing and magic first seen in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is completely missing. And I've yet to make up my mind on her S&M comic scene - should I laugh or should I simply pass out?

SRK is SRK. He'll hop, ham, hiss to the best of his abilities. Surprisingly some of the scenes like the ones between him and his son are one of his best, which he effortlessly executes with on the dot sensitivity.

But in the end it's Abhishek Bachchan, who musters all the courage and with great bravado, rises far above his role. You can see that after some point, Johar fell in love with the sacrificial lamb and eggs Bachchan up to give all he has got. And Bachchan doesn't fail, which sadly can't be said about the film.

D Plus. Consume half a truck of vitamins, proteins and minerals before entering the theater to watch this Skank Kank.

Movie Review : Omkara : Welcome This Bard-waj

Desi Train — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 15:39:57 EDT

The Don rushes into his house to confront his love. The seeds of suspicion sown in his cold calculating brains, are enough to have him seething with doubts, hurt and anger. He is greeted in the corner of his house by his lady love who plays a guitar and sings Stevie Wonder's "I just called to say I love you", a song she's been practicing the entire day to sing for her love. The prickling doubts melt away as the don moves forward to hold lady love in his arms. Such and many more sensitively laced scenarios clearly show you what the team of Omkara chose before embarking on the journey of making this movie...

Creativity over commercialism. Passion over puking copies. Love over lame story-telling attempts.

Vishal Bhardwaj has talent. He has passion. And there is this clearly distinct earnestness and sincerity in his creations. Be it Makdee, Maqbool and now... Omkara.

But above all, Bhardwaj shows tremendous promise when he betters himself with each new product, be it a unique story or inspirations from Shakespeare-jee. There is no room for any Bollywood chutiya-giri in this one, even though the "c" is used galore in this venture.

Laser sharp defined characters (well at least most of them), sharp chiseled out precision scenes and a constant desire to pull the viewer into each segment of the story - clearly points to the painstaking hard work and limitless creative stretch that went into building this gem.

Ironically the story in itself loses the much desired impact with so much of energy and focus on the individual segments.

So we have apun ka local don, General Omkara (Ajay Devgan) kick starting his love life by snagging lady love Dolly (Kareena Kapoor) right on the day she's supposed to marry someone else. Khullam khulla pyar karenge. Things are all lovey dovey. Gun is mightier than the stupid pickup game. Ha!

His professional life is going great guns too. Being the chief muscle man of local politician Bhaisaab (Naseer, easily breezes through this one), he eliminates Boss-saab's enemies. Boss-jee wins election and promotes General Omkara to the local political arena. Time for General to put someone new in his place.

Bahubali Bahubali Langda Tyagi Langda Tyagi... the dreamy echoes of these words make Mr. Langda (Saif Ali Khan), a long serving lieutenant, smile. Unfortunately for him, it's Kesu Firangi (Vivek Oberoi) who gets the General's seat. Meet the new meanie bunny. It ej not phunny.

Thus starts the journey that Shekhu-bhai (Shakespeare-jee) intended to take us all on, which our own desi Bard-waj earnestly attempts again but falls short of.

Dropping in and out is Mrs. Langda (Konkana Sen Sharma) who oscillates between teasing Omkara boss to consoling Dolly-ben in her down and out sunset moments... besides of course her unabashed brutal knowledge of human psychology. eg.? a man's hunger is not in his stomach but a few inches below it.

Mr. Langda's attempts to poison apun ka icy cold calculating General Omkara come out as being too simplistic and childish. Is it this easy to sow doubts in the brains of a man who himself has so cunningly assassinated his enemies? Maybe... perhaps... love does do strange things.

In spite of the side by side comparisons between the original and the adaptation, being made all over the reviewer land, it is equally important to view this story on its own independent platform. Does it have the impact?

To an extent, but it falls short. Focusing on Omkara in its own independent entirety makes you realize that the story of power driven hungry crazed people just does not grow up. It fails to reach its intended goals.

Yet, this one is a gift and can't be and should not be ignored.

Clearly, the movie was designed in a way that it's broken up into individual segments. Each segment was then microscopically focused on to fish out some of the most beautiful pearls. The segmented pearls though just don't add up to form a wishful necklace. And pray why the jumps in the climax? If the intention was to create a heart pumping buildup to reach the culmination, the pace on the tension buildup should have been stepped on much before the jumps started.

Tassaduq Hussain is Bhardwaj's creative visualizer for the big screen here. The cinematographic quality is of highest level. Bhardwaj uses Hussain's expertise to "visually" convey the motives and messages all throughout the story -

A small marble occupies the entire space of the wide screen. Breathtaking shot? You bet. The camera follows the defeated but putting up a brave front - Langda Tyagi over a hill top, where he announces the next name of the next Bahubali to the crowd below. Using a wide bridge to reflect loneliness is so clearly visible when Langda sits on the bridge along with the Dolly's could-not-become her husband Deepak Dobriyal. Or the creatively underlined fact about Langda lust for power that pushes him to the edge of insanity, when he ties the "waistband" around his head.

The smooth transition from a blurred vision to a sharp focus of the lens is used quite effectively. Same for the way, where more than a few minutes of a romantic song is canned - in a single shot (bhaee wah!), wherein the camera follows the love couple through the entire house. And of course the struggle to find the truth in his doubts of darkness, when Omkara assassinates a political figure in a rainy darkness, with a large locomotive shining its headlight as the backdrop. Amazing!

Of the cast, surprisingly Kareen Kapoor's character Dolly is the most underwritten and ill defined. Yet she does convey (with limitations) the innocence of a small town beauty girl who's in love. Vivek Oberoi rightly holds himself back without letting himself go over the top. Bipasha Basu is in a thankless role here.

Ajay Devgan justifies his selection to play the title role. Yet the emotive delivery in times of doubt leaves you with questions. Could it have been done more effectively? Perhaps.

And please bow and lay out a red carpet for the one and only - Saif Ali Khan. His journey for experimenting and expanding his capabilities as an actor was first noticed in Ek Hasina Thi. Langda Tyagi could as well as be his one role of a lifetime. And he aces it with amazing perfection. Here is one actor who gives movie lovers hope. Hope that there is still passion for creativity in Bollwood.

And even though all eyes were on Saif's character of Langda Tyagi, the person who slipped through our radar in the pre-release-discussions but stumps us no end, during the movie is - Konkana Sen Sharma. If "being natural" is the epitome of acting then Konkana underlines the meaning over and over again, picking up the challenge and taking the character of Indu, point blank - head on. She may not have more than six scenes in the movie, but each time she walks onto the screen, she brings out this raw rustic appeal in the character, leaving you dazed and begging for more.

Omkara is Vishal Bhardwaj's sweat and blood. The honesty and sincerity is there so transparent, for all to see. Such attempts need to and should be recognized and commended.

A Minus. Every attempt should be made to go to the theater and enjoy this spectacle. A creative and brilliant endeavor miraculously has found its way to our cine screens, in the dried, parched lands of Bollywood. It's now your turn to come out and support this outstanding attempt.

Films Slated for Release in 2006: Bollywood's Big Cook Fest?

Desi Train — Sat, 29 Jul 2006 02:04:09 EDT

[Note - Do call in and tell me on what movies you are most excited about from the list below. Desi Talk - The Desi Train Talk Show starts Sunday, July 30at 10 AM Pacific / 1 PM Eastern / 6 PM London / 7 PM Amsterdam / 9 PM Dubai / 10:30 PM India / (July 31) 2 AM Tokyo / (July 31) 3 AM Sydney]

For the last two weeks, the only Bollywood related discussion found on discussion boards and in the main stream media is this: The exciting line up movies from Bollywood starting this Friday till the end of the year.

And if you've already seen the list, you'll realize it's so true. It is quite rare to see a biggie being released week after week, one behind the other - NOT for a few odd weeks, but for five months at a stretch. Yes five months. The next five months will have one or another big budget movie splashing over the cine screens.

For a moment it would seem like Bollywood has taken a tip from the concept of student consolidation loans which in America is quite common. Loans taken from various sources to fund your education are consolidated into one common account at one common interest rate for a better, tighter debt management.

And Bollywood seems to be doing exactly that! Pumping all movies into one small ring of 5 months. It's also true that this is happening because of so much moolah being pumped into Bollywood recently, the result - Big movies each month for the next five months.

This of course does not mean that all these movies are or will be good movies. Your entering the bathroom to take a shower does not necessarily mean that you will be taking a shower.... strange comparison. Well... actually that's what I used to do when Mr. & Mrs. Army ka Danda (my loving parents, no offense meant), would send me packing into the bathroom to take a quick shower before sending me off to the early morning fucking 6 am Advanced Calculus class. (By the way, even if you don't feel like sleeping after you get up on an early morning, an Advanced Calculus class is a sure bet to have many of you dozing off in a matter of 5 - 10 seconds.)

So what's coming up from Bollywood... (me rubbing palms)... let's take a look -

JULY

July's almost over but we have Omkara, Vishal Bhardwaj's adaptation of Othello. Ajay, Saif, Vivek, Kareena, Konkana, Bipasha, Naseer - whew! #:-s

The movie's been mentioned a couple of times on Desi Train. Key elements - Vishal's basic story telling ability, performances and of course the music. Possible bang-ur-head elements - could turn out to have a veeeeery sssssslow pace, cross your fingers over that.

AUGUST

So what does the month of Leos have for us... that reminds me that I better buy two birthday cards for my parents' upcoming birthdays if I wanna spend the rest of this year in peace.

Anthony Kaun Hai? - Sunjay Dutt and Arshad Warsi get together for this assasin chases victim thriller set in Bangkok. Echoes of AKH? being a copy of Who is Cletis Tout? can be heard over movie sites and bulletin boards. Please don't look back at me - cause I have no idea how true the rumors are. And by the way I don't remember one scene of Who is Cletis Tout? even though I do very clearly remember seeing that movie.... except that I had my face sunk between the legs of my the then cute-stage-actress date... for the most part of the movie.

But the one very strong and clear memory about Who is Cletis Tout? that I have is - for the first time I wanted to know if there was anything that helped one build a strong tongue muscle. Two hours of non-stop using your tongue between you-know-where will have you walking with a dropped jaw for the next two days. Not that it has anything to do with the movie - the connection though is very strong... with the tongue exercise, not the movie.

Coming on AKH's heels is Darwaza Bandh Rakho. And yes, it's from the Factory - Ram Gopal Varma's production house. Surprise Surprise - it's directed by Chakravarthy - the guy who played the lead in Satya. And if you can hog your memory a little bit backwards you'll realize he also acted in RGV's Shiva. Yep. He was the guy who gets a thrashing from Nagarjuna in the college campus - the scene which had the famous taking a bicycle chain to beat up the goons - nonstop voilence served on a silver plate. The interesting thing about DBR is the story where a group of thugs (Chunky Pandey, Aftab Shivdasani, Zakhir Hussain and Snehal Dhabi) kidnap a rich lady for ransom, land up in a middle class family's home and spend the rest of the movie trying to prevent unsuspecting visitors from entering the house.

And closing the month of August will be the ever prolonged, ever delayed, looking trashy from each angle, but could turn out to be hit because it has Salman Khan in it - Shaadi Karke Phas Gaye Yaar. I saw the trailer of this movie in the theaters when I had gone to see Black. And by the looks of the shoddy-from-every-angle trailer, I had made up my mind to wear ear plugs when the DVD of this movie is released and during that time I have to enter my Desi Store for groceries. Heaven help the guy, when Ketan, Chetan and Tapan start their focused selling pitch, urging the customer to rent the crappiest of movies from their store, which everyone eventually does. There is just no escape.

August should as well as be called KANK month of the year. Karan Johar returns after a long time with Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. Ok I'll admit this - I watched his first Kuch Kuch Hota Hai after it was released on video, as I had no stomach to go out in the theater and watch a candy floss thinggy. And there were quite a few elements that impressed me in KKH. Then comes his biggie, the one which had 3 superstars in the same frame. Kabhie Khushi Kabhi Gham. It split me in two. On one hand certain portions were damn irritating and on the other hand, well I hate to admit this, but... I have cried on some other scenes.

So will I watch KANK? With a star cast that boasts of Amitabh, Shah Rukh, Abhishek, Rani, Preeti - sure... uh... no, not sure... who knows... :-??

The other movie to watch out for in August, that could as well as surprise one and all is Ahista Ahista starring Soha Ali Khan and Abhay Deol. New Director Shivam Nair. There is a certain attractiveness in the previews of this one. There is just the right element of innocence in the way the movie is projected in the previews. Add to that Abhay Deol's (first movie was the could have been very good was wasn't - Socha Na Tha) very interesting project choices, Honeymoon Travels and 1:40 Ki Last Local, they absolutely don't look like the regular run of the mill products... So what does this make Abhay Deol? Bollywood's tamed version of Johnny Depp?... Time will tell.

The Jain producers (owners of a music company) bring in August a Dharmesh Darshan direction, Akshaye Khanna - Dino Moreo - Priyanka Chopra starrer - Aap Ki Khatir. Big movie because Dharmesh Darshan seems to be a large figure (... yes and literally) in Bollywood. This is also the movie where Darshan, as per the rumors, seemed to have (homo)sexually harassed a crew member on the set. Ah! No, that should not be the reason to watch this movie.

Spoiler: As far as I've understood from the basic preview of Aap Ki Khaatir, please go ahead and watch The Wedding Date, starring the oh-so-ravishing Debra Messing.

Govinda returns! I didn't see anyone jumping with excitement. Ok so Govinda returns to the big screen in Sandwich.

And RGV has another movie pumping out of his Factory, the utterly gross trailer of which was discussed on DT, Shiva starring Mohit Alawat and RGV's current breakfast jam, Nisha Kothari. Some call it Shiva Part II, some call it James Part II (James Part II???? WTF!!) - I'll simply call it factory product part number $#%x

Dare to think of this combination - Rahul Bose and Mallika Sherawat??? No... well then you'll have to watch Pyar Ke Side Effects Brains meet Boobs? I'll have to watch this one.

Phew!!! And that was just August...

SEPTEMBER

If you thought August was heavy, then September starts with a WHAM!!!

Lage Raho Munnabhai - the sequel to the sweet and balanced Munnabhai MBBS. Though the movie is not a sequel in the real sense; it's supposed to be a 3 hour round of the adventures of Munnabhai and Circuit. You can conveniently forget that the first part showed Munna and Circuit having settled down and leading a family life. Idhar family vamily nahin chalega Mamu Skeptical. Sequels so far have been fairly disappointing, but it's a Vidhu Vinod Chopra production, so anything is possible.

After some of the made-to-be-instantly-forgettable movies like Unns and Bhoot Uncle, it's the turn of Mr. Sohail Khan to step into the ring... and I'm not just speaking hypothetically. His Aryan is about his role as a boxer (or is it fighter or whatever). The tagline for this is "The Unbreakable"... good for them. But if the movie's a dud, I hope theater owners have "unbreakable" chairs. If not, then it is my humble advice - for free (as always) - to replace their chairs with unbreakable ones. Insurance for theater property would not be a bad idea either.

Presenter : Mithun Chakraborty
Banner : High-Definition Motion Pictures
And the movie? Ladies and Gentlemen, please clap for the next Mithun-da. Mithun-da's own son - Mimoh (no points for guessing how the ultra complex word - Mimoh - was formed). Mimoh's entry into Bollywood comes with the movie Jimmy Well it's been directed by Raj N. Sippy, so there may be (a little) hope. Who's Raj Sippy, you ask?

Raj Sippy could have become one of the best story tellers, master craftsmen, technically brilliant directors in Bollywood. Unfortunately it did not happen. To get a better idea of the spark of his once promising brilliance, watch his first movie, the gripping Inkaar (1977). From a more commercial lens, you may know him as the director of Satte pe Satta

Sunny pa-ji returns with Naksha, along with Vivek Oberoi, Sameera Reddy and Jackie Shroff. Watch for Sunny pa-ji's cowboy hat, that he uses to cover his... errr... wig. Confused? Me too.

Nagesh Kukunoor returns after the success of Iqbal with his next - Dor and it has the Iqbal star Shreyas Talpade, along with Ayesha Takia and Gul Panag (where have you been?)

Next in the line is Jaane Hoga Kya. So why is it on the list? Cause it's supposed to be a sci-fi thriller where Aftab Shivdasani plays a scientist (so utterly believable) and clones himself (mind boggling concept) and the clone goes missing (should we thank God or run for cover?)

And then follows the Jimmy Shergill starrer - Rehguzar. No reason to list it except that Jimmy and I were born on the same day (and I mean the "exact" same day... so he does share the same unlucky streak as oz) and I kind of like the down and out guys who keep fighting back with one good performance after another. Plus the beautiful title song is on the oz Drive Raaga list (bottom right sidebar).

Nope... it's not over yet. September turns out to be the baap of August in terms of releases.

There's the much delayed (over 10 years?) Amitabh Bachchan starrer Zamanat (why not send it straight to video?) followed by the Konkana Sen Sharma, Irrfan Khan starrer Deadline - Sirf 24 Ghante - hopefully the movie will survive and live for more than 24 hours.

Tanuja Chandra returns after a long time and no, she isn't coming out with a product produced at the Mahesh Bhatt camp. This time she comes out with a catchy title and an interesting cast of Sushmita Sen, Shiny Ahuja and perhaps for the first time in a double role - Moushami Chatterjee. Zindagi Rocks could have the zing, so badly missed in Bollywood movies.

There's another comedy whose title makes you stop. Amar Joshi Shahid Ho Gaya has been in the making for quite sometime. Hopefully it will retain its freshness. It stars Sunil Shetty and Om Puri in the lead roles.

An finally its the turn of Vishal Bhardwaj's completed but never released The Blue Umbrella... being released under the title of Chatri Chor Watch out for a stupendous performance from the one and only Pankaj Kapoor (which we kind of expect from him).

No it doesn't end here for there's a movie where Anupam Kher and Boman Irani come face to face, playing the lead characters in the movie. Yummy. Yep. And that's why Khosla Ka Ghosla makes its way on this groovy list.

Bollywood sure is catching on the concept of getting some eye popping, making you pause and look - titles. Risk. That's the name of this Vinod Khanna, Randeep Hooda movie. Directed by Vishram Sawant who made D

OCTOBER

And just like September, October starts with a bang.

One of the first remakes to hit the Bollywood screens. Farhan "DCH" Akhtar's DON

Can the Don of 2006 better the Don of 1978? The movie is supposed to have elements of its own and there is talk that it isn't a blind remake of the original. For whatever negativities may be floating around on Don's uninspiring posters etc. etc... you know... Farhan Akhtar could spring a surprise. Especially, with the support of the original screenwriter of Don... his dad... Javed Akhtar.

This time it's her husband. I'm talking of Shirish Kunder, the husband of Farah Khan, choreographer and the director of SRK's last biggest hit - Main Hoon Na. So Kunder, who's been an editor so far, turns director with Jaaneman starring Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar. There's Priety Zinta too. And if this is some sort of a triangle love story, I'm gonna give it a thumbs down right now. Triangles have been beaten to death by Bollywood. It would take a genius to pull us into the theater with a story so triangle. I hope Kunder isn't making that mistake.

Well, with so many biggies up for release, how far could J.P. Dutta be? Not far... that if you live close to Rajasthan. Another director who had the elements of being a genius of a craftsman but never could become one. He's back with a remake.

Yep, October gives us two remakes. Two big ones. After Don, it's the turn of JP Dutta. He comes out with the remake of Muzzafar Ali's classic, the Rekha starrer, Umrao Jaan. Playing the title role is Aishwarya Rai while Abhishek Bachchan, Sunil Shetty, Arshad Warsi form the rest of the leading cast. Somehow I don't feel excited. Especially after watching Abhishek Bachchan's wig. Why oh why? Farookh Shiekh didn't need one in the original. So what makes Abhishek have this extra long hair(y) wig?

Bollywood overdoes it. Dutta's Umrao Jaan could prove the case in point.

But Dutta's overcooked product could well be balanced by one of the first attempts at this kind of a story - one I have high hopes from - Kabir Khan's Kabul Express. The story follows the journey of journalists John Abraham and Arshad Warsi - from Kabul to Pakistan. The trailers are tight and gripping and show that Kabir Khan knows what he is doing. I do hope. I surely hope this turns out to be the way I've envisioned it to be. Aditya Chopra sure knows what he's doing and I admire him for backing this project up.

If you are still trying to catch up your breath with the releases of October, wait till you hear what's up in November.

NOVEMBER

Ravi Chopra returns with a family tear jerker. Sorry if you don't know Ravi Chopra. Quick History. Made Baghban with Amitabh and Salman. Man behind the tele series "Mahabharata". A few movies directed by him - Zameer, The Burning Train, Aaj Ki Awaaz. Son of the late B.R. Chopra (Who is BR Chopra? Quicker History: Made socially relevant movies right from the 50s to the 80s. Elder brother of Yash Chopra)

So Chopra after lamenting all over the press on the imprisonment of Salman Khan, will finally be able to release his next. Babul. The movie stars Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Salman Khan, Rani Mukherjee and John Abraham.

And he's back. Isn't 2006 turning out to be the year where a lot many are returning back after a hiatus? This one is - Vidhu Vinod Chopra - who returns after a looong time as a director again. Eklavya stars Amitabh Bachchan, Sanjay Dutt, Jackie Shroff, Saif Ali Khan, Vidya Balan, Sharmila Tagore, Boman Irani, Jimmy Shergill, Raima Sen... WOW... this time it looks like Chopra is hell bent on delivering a hit. His last loved movie was Parinda, released almost 20 years ago. Can you believe it? The genius has not been witnessed again in the last 20 long years!

When everybody is "coming back", it's time to turn our view towards Rajshri Productions who have made out and out good to worse family entertainers. Sooraj Barjatya this time makes a movie not far from his comfort zone. Sorry. The subject looks like it "is" his only comfort zone. Vivaah stars Shahid Kapoor and Amrita Rao.

And November ends with a big bang. Tighten your seat belts, brace yourself for a Dhoom 2. Perhaps this would be the first time Bollywood introduces "2" in a sequel (if you tend to cast aside the title "Waisa Bhi Hota Hai - Part 2" which necessarily wasn't a sequel to anything). So we have the Yash Raj banner bringing in a sequel to Part 2 and by the looks of the initial publicity it's supposed to have double the fun and excitement. If you found the first movie a bore, then perhaps this one is not for you. Cast includes Hritik Roshan - as the bad guy, Abhishek, Uday Chopra (Family making movie, so he is in it), Aishwarya, Bipasha, Rimi... Dhoom Machale or Dhoom Dubale? November will tell.

DECEMBER

This seems to be the lightest after a spate of heavy release months. So chill, take a walk, do some Christmas shopping, take your love out for a few nice evening dinners, learn Tantric sex, barrage oz with a chunk of emails - all on learning the art of Pickup, and take your gold-cover-hidden-from-all-diary out, wipe the dust off and open the pages to see the goals you had written in it for 2006. Scratch 2006 on the top of the goal list and rewrite in its place... "2007".

In the meantime, drop in your nearest Cineplex, if you think a Subhash Ghai production still holds a bit of an importance in your life. Good Boy Bad Boy starring E-me-ran Hashmi and Tushar Kapoor opens in December. Portrayed as an out and out comedy, it would not come as a surprise if it turns out to have each shot, frame, scene and angle that reminds you of the 136 comedies seen in the last two years.

But then, you can't tell if it will turn out that way. There is hope. The captain of this ship is Ashwini Choudhary - the director of the commendable Dhoop. So there is still hope. Hopefully.

Madhur Bhandarkar may just throw in another of his products at you this year. Looks like his Signal may be ready for release in December. Starring Neetu Chandra, Kunal Khemu, Konkona Sen Sharma - this Corporate moves to the cross streets of Bombay with Signal.

Nikhil Advani may just manage to squeeze in his next Salaam-E-Ishq in December. His second product, after Kal Ho Na Ho, he is already in the midst of a controversy where the story seems to be the exact copy of a script given to him by writer Reema Katgi (search Desi Train for a post on this controversy). Katgi herself is making a movie on the same script.

Advani's movie boasts of a huge starcast - Salman Khan, Priyanka Chopra, Anil Kapoor, Juhi Chawla, Akshaye Khanna, Ayesha Takia, John Abraham, Vidya Balan, Govinda, Sohail Khan, Perizaad Zorabian, Shannon Esra, Aroon Bakshi, Anjana Sukhani and last but not the least Karan Johar!

Another movie with a list that has the who's who of Bollywood, may make its way in December. Ahmed Khan directed Fool and Final. The movie boasts of a cast that includes Sunny Deol, Shahid Kapoor, Sunil Shetty, Jackie Shroff, Javed Jaffrey, Paresh Rawal, Om Puri, Rajpal Yadav, Vijay Raaz, Razzak Khan, Vivek Oberoi, Bipasha Basu, Arbaaz Khan... WOW!!! Did we leave anyone in Bollywood out of it?

Somewhere all along, it does seem that Bollywood is seriously taking the Zero Unemployment policy. Everyone seems to be in every movie.

To end the year, K Sera Sera comes out with Bhagam Bhag. The good: It's directed by Priyadarshan. The bad: It's directed by Priyadarshan. The Ugly: It has a starcast that is no different from many of the movies you read above.

Akshay Kumar, Govinda (is he hell bent of doing 125 movies this year?), Lara Dutta, Tanushree Datta, Jackie Shroff (so should we take 2006 as the official year where Jackie dada comes out of his retirement?), Shakti Kapoor (scandal alert - stay away), Rajpal Yadav (Bollywood unofficially declared foundation for a movie. No. Not the script. It's Rajpal Yadav), Manoj Bajpai (TV to Movies back to TV and now back in Movies), Sharat Saxena, Sanjay Dutt (yes he's in a special appearance, meaning, the producers plan to finance some of his forthcoming movies), Paresh Rawal (The other unofficially declared foundation of a Bollywood movie), Sunil Shetty (Sidelined to Sidekick, Side effect: acting just go worse), Arbaaz Khan (Who you?), Manoj Joshi (Now I really mean it: Who you?)

And........ It's a wrap. I'm not sure if I have seen so many ambitious products lined up in 5 months ever in the history of Bollywood. That also means there's more money on the line here. It will either cripple or cut through and make its way to the mountains of Moolah. The journey begins today with the release of Omkara... so sit back, relax, grab a drink, get your feet up and enjoy the best of times a Bollywood fanatic may have had in a long time...