Desicritics Author: Asha Dhody

The Agony And Ecstasy Of An Empty Nest

Asha Dhody — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 11:11:37 EST

The agony and ecstasy of an empty nest is a situation we are all faced with at some stages of our life.

Looking back sixteen years is a long journey learning to live without the noise and action which is so much a part of your lives when the children are young.
I was a typical city mother with my hands full of social activities where one took their presence for granted. I never imagined that one day they would grow up and fly away to chase their dreams. Their presence was taken for granted,there were moments of joy and anger. Those very moments which were a source of annoyance have now become the most cherished moments of my life, moments which are memories which evoke smiles and tears today.

I realized the intensity of the pain of parting when my daughter left for her college to Delhi'. Till that day I had taken these wonderful gifts of God for granted. I was totally shattered and crying away after dropping her to the airport. It was the most difficult moment of my life an emotion which most parents would empathise with. For a few days I was miserable although my son was around and we shortly got adjusted to the new set up.

It was at this point of time it dawned on me that this is the way of life and I must put keep my emotions under control and take a more positive perspective of the future when all the children would leave home to pursue their education and careers. Gone were the days where families lived under one roof ,with simple lifestyles where family was the most important unit. Modern pressures and opportunities have led the youth to go abroad. Most of these youngsters have been successful in improving their lot as well as giving economic stability to their parents.

Ask any parent - they would much rather have less money and their children's proximity. It is difficult to adjust to the silence which ensues once they leave after their annual trip. In certain cases, children get so enamoured with their own lives that they choose to ignore their responsiblities towards their parents.
We are blessed with 3 wonderful children who really take care of our emotions and loose no chance for displaying their affections in words and deeds.

My advice to all parents young and old:
> Don't expect too much you will be disappointed. As the children grow so do their horizons they have their families and friends .Let them be they need you too.
> Don't demand, but deserve their attention with love and understanding.
> Make yourself independent in all respects, don't push them to the point of desperation.

All children should also understand their parents do not need money alone, they must see the emotional vacuum which lonliness generates - a touch, a warm embrace, a surprise visit can bring joy and everlasting happiness.

Teach your children to respect the old. since remember, someday they too will be sailing in the same boat.

Guwahati Adivasi Tribal Violence - Where Are The Women of Action?

Asha Dhody — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:42:48 EST

The present scenario in India is totally confusing --We are progressing taking pride in women like Kalpana Chawla and Indira Nooyi,but this joy is overshadowed by dark clouds, where we need to hang our heads in shame where the basic dignity of the women has been ridiculed.

I am referring to the Adivasi revolt where on of the girls was stripped naked. She was taking part in a tribal rally in Guwahati which became violent,the demonstrators were beaten by the locals and one of them stripped this young girl, the police watched --but there was one man who covered the girl with his shirt and managed to push her into a police vehicle.

In a country where a women had always been venerated with respect and dignity, she is now being treated in the 21st century like a subhuman. The newspaper frontpages carried her pictures running naked like a hunted deer. Are we in the Prehistoric times? This barbaric incident needs to be condemned by the whole of India.

Where are the social activists, lady ministers? Go to Guwahati - hold her hands, forget the media - join hands all together, be it Uma Bharti, Brinda Karat, Usha Uthup, Nafisa Ali, Mamta Banerji and the likes, including filmstars protest as never before.

Madam President you are a woman. Please put your stamp on this indignity in the sternest manner possible. Please honour Mr. Bhagiram Barman with the highest honour possible for staking his life to restore the dignity of a helpless women when total lawlessness prevailed.

Barkha Dutt, please lead this march -you are a gutsy woman. You can seek the support of Kiran Bedi. I am sure she is a woman of action not words.

India and West Bengal - Changing Times

Asha Dhody — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 02:39:46 EST

"The times have changed" are words often repeated by all when we look back thinking of yesterday. We all have a tendency to draw up comparisons of episodes of today to happenings of yore. Though the progress in all fields of life has created an awareness in all stratas of society, gone are the days where the general public specially in villages could be influenced by our leaders to their line of thinking.

Pre-Indian leaders had a common objective of getting Independence. Free India was the aim of leaders like Gandhi, Nehru, Netaji. They had one goal - India should be free at any cost. History is full of sacrifices made by men from all parts of India. Post-Independence, these visionaries sacrificed their lives, and wealth for the India of today.

With the passage of time, politics has become a dirty game. Ordinary men entering politics have become millionaires overnight. There are examples galore of the reign of terror which these power money hungry politicians have unleashed. They get themselves weighed in gold when the people around who gave them the platform don't have a roof over their head.

West Bengal today has one of the worst socio-economic environments.

When will we have a normal life?

When will the villagers who are more aware of their rights today not be treated like animals, herded like sheep to a slaughter house to vote for the Dons or face their wrath? Nandigram has become the symbol of the reign of terror. The frequent call for Bandhs is another farce generated by the various parties. Nobody has the courage to venture out in Nandigram, and nobody has the courage in the cities to protest against the so called sympathy Bandhs. The elite of Kolkata take this as an opportunity for another restful day, some organize card games, others sit glued to their plasmas watching the latest movies.

Does anybody stop to think of the impact of this bandh on the people whose life is already upset due to the violence around? He cannot leave his home to earn his daily bread; the bandh further adds to his misery.

Rallies were taken out by artists and filmstars the day after the bandh, disrupting the traffic and paralyzing the whole city.

Will they gain anything other than crippling the economy further?

Let us all review our responsibility and action against a call for a bandh. Let us all have the courage to protest against these power games. Our leaders had faced bullets, let us venture out in each locality, face the stones and brickbats and not be treated like sacrafical lambs by the warring parties. It is time for all of us to react against the system which is filling the coffers of those we thought would represent us and ensure a better tomorrow which seems to have been clouded by Singur and Nandigram.

The Rizwanur Rehman - Priyanka Todi Love Story

Asha Dhody — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 00:41:20 EDT

Rizanwar and Priyanka's marriage and his death have been hitting the headlines of the dailies of Kolkata for almost a month now. However, never before there been so much coverage by the national media.

It is sad and painful that a young man meet his end under such tragic circumstances. For a mother to lose a son is something everybody is sorry about, regardless of caste, creed or religion. What bothers me is the hype and noise created by everybody. If it is murder the guilty must be punished, but until then is it fair to the Todis to be disgraced by all? Nobody has a right to call him a murderer until investigations are over.

From time immemorial runaway marriages, inter-caste marriages, etc. have generated unpleasant reactions from parents, but is it fair to blame any parent to react when their child takes a decision which they feel is not right? Which father who has brought up his daughter in the lap of luxury feels happy when she runs away with a man who might not be able to give her the environment she is used to? It is Priyanka alone who is responsible along with Rizwanur for what has happened today.

Leaders from various parties came forward to condemn and blame the Todis for the incident. Do we stop to think that people are trying to capitalize the tragedy for their personal gains. Everybody including social workers and celebrities are condemning the parents of the girl, they don;t care about the Rehmans or the Todis, all they care about are of how many minority votes will they get by giving support to Rizwanur's family.

Should we for a moment pause and understand the trauma of the Todis? The daughter had eloped, which parent would not go to the police? Who would not try to get his daughter back taking the socio-economic differences into account? Priyanka was adult enough to get married on her own, but did not have the guts to stay back with Rizwanur when her family took her back. Is it not possible that the stars and romance vanished from her mind when faced with the reality of settling into a marriage where home was a small room in Tiljala where not only the house but the food habits of a Muslim household might have become difficult for her to handle? Is it not possible that the alleged other girlfriend of Riznawur's might be the reason for Priyanka's disillusionment? Is there a possibility that Riznawur was ambitious and actually after Todi's wealth? Is it possible that Rizwanur's brother has some political ambitions?

Has anybody stopped to ponder on the pain and social embarrasement the Todis are facing? Would anyone of you welcome with open arms if your daughter eloped and married somebody below your status -- it could be your cook or your driver?

Time is a great healer, they might have accepted Priyanka's marriage after a while but the death of Rizwanur changed everything. While Priyanka's parents are suffering in silence, Rizwanur's mother is shedding tears over her loss, we the people are gloating over the episode waiting for the morning papers chasing the sad chapter in the lives of the Todis and Rehmans like an exciting chapter of a mystery thriller.

Living With The Sixth Sense

Asha Dhody — Wed, 3 May 2006 12:57:03 EDT

Several people have the ability to know the future and I happen to be one of them. A lot has been written about premonitions or the sixth sense. I happened to read Sakshi's article, which touched my heart to a point that I was suddenly down memory lane remembering several incidents which I became aware of sometimes hours before something happened or sometimes days ahead.

The first time I became aware of this sixth sense was way back on 3rd September 1970.the days when the best form of entertainment was to watch a movie followed by dinner in the famous park street of Calcutta. We had gone to see Dilip Kumar's film, Leader, a highly entertaining film. We were in a very light mood, having seen a good film and anticipating a hearty meal. While driving past the Victoria memorial [a monument in marble] enjoying the moon which was casting a strange and eerie light over the monument. Suddenly the clouds covered the moon, the shadow seemed to indicate something, there was a lightning, a flash, and a thought crossed my mind. What if granny dies today [my paternal grand mom was alone in Asansol]? Who will perform the last rites? It was a silly thought in the middle of a happy evening. I tried to brush the thought, but it persistently kept flashing at me, I kept on thinking. According to Hindu tradition a son/grandson/nephew can perform the last rites. Since my brothers were living faraway I felt her nephew who lived nearby could do the needful. Having solved the mental dilemma my mind was at ease. being 7 months pregnant I started looking forward to the meal at the restaurant, but the food tasted insipid and I was restless ,I wanted to go back home.

It was 9.45 at night when we entered home, by then the sky was overcast, it was raining cats and dogs, there seemed to be a cloudburst. Before we could enter the door the telephone started ringing, never had the ring sounded so shrill. it was like a spoilt child screaming for attention, I was scared it wasn't so late friends did call at that time for a chat, but I knew this call had something else to say, even before my husband could pick up the phone I was hysterical ,I was howling, and saying granny is dead! She is no more! My husband picked up the phone, a grave voice of my uncle informed us---granny is no more she passed away at 8:25, the time we were crossing Victoria memorial, and yes my uncle performed the last rites.

Two years later we were refueling our car when a good friend drove past us. His wife had had a successful hysterectomy a week ago; she was scheduled to go home that very evening. I turned and told my husband that this man's wife is no more. He reprimanded me for talking like that and was was in a pensive mood throughout the drive to the club. I suddenly saw her last rites being performed at the crematorium - a place I had never visited in my life till then. The car came to a halt; people were talking in solemn and hushed tones, when asked the reason for the somber atmosphere we were told gravely of the demise of our friend's wife a short while ago. And believe me when we went for the cremation the place was exactly the way I had visualized. By this time I started getting scared of these flashes. Few months later I was sitting in our showroom with a friend, a distant relative walked in with a long face, he told us his mother had fractured her leg. After he had left I laughed and told my friend Nita,"This guy's mother is going to kick the bucket". My friend thought I was being funny, but believe me the lady was no more the next day.

The saddest day however was the day I lost my mother. Over the years a lot of superstitions get embedded in our minds, some through hearsay, and others through our experiences. I am very superstitious about white flowers, for my prayers I use three garlands of marigold ever day. On 28th June 1992 after my bath I went to my temple to pray. As usual I opened the packet of garlands to my horror I saw 4 white tube rose garlands staring ominously at me. They seemed like coiled serpents ready to attack. I screamed at my maid, my mother reprimanded them for being so careless, in the same breath she told me not to be fussy and continue with the same set of garlands. ,there was a flash before my eyes the fourth garland was for mummy, sure enough in the early hours of the morning my mother who was fit as a fiddle passed away and the white garland was placed over her body. it is uncanny but true down the years there been many more occasions ,mostly of visions of family members not being there anymore, but mercifully now and
Then I do see good things happen too.

My son-in law was in Tehran for a posting. His job took him all over the world, but India was not in the company's domain. One day over dinner I declared that in two years he would be posted in Bombay. The family thought I was being funny, I took a riyal note and scribbled my thoughts on the
Note, sure enough in 2years they were posted in Bombay. It is funny when my daughter and granddaughter want me to be their soothsayer. I don't know whether to feel happy or sad with this faculty. at times days ahead I feel stressed ,strained and restless as something is going to happen and once the situation is over a sense of calm prevails.

The only time I felt blessed was when my husband left for work as usual after breakfast, exactly 15 minutes later I felt that he would need immediate medical aid. I jumped into my car; drove like a maniac, planning of which doctor and friend I would be calling incase he was not well. I had it all planned, I was calm and not nervous which I generally am. I reached his office; he was sitting on his chair smiled weakly at me. "I think I need a doctor", he said, his tongue was being pulled inside, his speech was slurring. Within seconds we were in the car, I called my friend; timely medical aid averted a major stroke. I count my blessings and thank God every moment for helping us sail through a major calamity of our lives.

God is there to give us the signs, he is there to carry us in his arms over the rough seas, only we should through our faith and understanding be able to see those messages it is difficult to understand this and I do not want to know about my tomorrow or of those I love, I live from moment to moment and count my blessings for the beautiful moments in life, because what is life, but the sum total of a few moments and before you blink those moments are memories, like rainbows in the horizon, they fade but are etched in our minds forever and forever.