Desicritics Author: Abrar Siddiqui

Oops!...Bush Did it Again!

Abrar Siddiqui — Fri, 17 Mar 2006 01:28:49 EST

With every passing day, President Bush and his administration are getting ready to prepare themselves for yet another "pre-emptive strike" on a sovereign and independent state in the Middle East - Iran. Iran, previously only known for its expensive Persian rugs, is also responsible for the existence of Queen's famous lead singer, Freddie Mercury.

However, recently, Iran has been making headline news around the hour for a very different set of reasons - a desire to develope nuclear technology and a desire to build nuclear reactors for "civilan" use. Unfortunately, those in the White House do not see at par with Iran's desires and have been forced to make use of the good old cold-war era threats.

All the bickering and threatening from the government officials seem uncannily familiar to the recent "liberation" of Iraq on the pretext of the presence of Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) in that country. Almost as familiar and popular as Britney Spears' debut single, Oops!...I Did It Again. President Bush has seemingly learnt more Foreign Policy matters from Ms. Spears than any other available resource. Absurd but provable argument, as evident from the Foreign Policy guidelines the the President is advocating.

Following is the current administration's 10-week course guideline on foreign policy:

FOREIGN POLICY 101

Week 1: How to create a foreign catastrophe in order to divert citizens' attention from domestic political upheavals.
Week 2: Funding terrorist organizations in order to carry out the Global Agenda.
Week 3: If there is Oil, then they have the nukes.
Week 4: Destabilizing a Democratic but Unfriendly Country - an introduction.

Guest Lecture: Britney Spears on "Using 'Oops!...I Did It Again' to Your Advantage."

Week 6: Using Media to sell the War.
Week 7: Ten Essentials of using Weapons of Mass Destruction for any invasion.
Week 8: Nuclear Proliferation - using it to your own advantage.
Week 9: Golden Rules of avoiding International Court of Justice in face of Prisoner Abuse Scandals.

Guest Lecture: Donald Rumsfeld on "Keeping It Cool Despite Demands for Resignation".

Week 11:(optional): Creating a consensus at the United Nations. *
Week 12:(optional): Understanding the root causes of International Terrorism.*

* Note: None of the adminstration staff has yet attended these optional sessions.

Satire: From the Desk of Sheikh Mo, CEO - DP World

Abrar Siddiqui — Sat, 11 Mar 2006 00:07:21 EST

Dear Georgie,

I hope this letter finds you, your wife and Condi in the best of health. Allah-wa-Amin. I understand you just returned from your trip to Pakistan and India. I had been waiting for your holiday trip to get over. I did not want to disturb you while you were partying it hard with Mushy and Mani. Aren't they both adorable, esp. Mani. He is just so cute, just like a cuddly puppy. You should not have never frisked him at the airport, he is very harmless. Mushy called me the other day and didn't see too happy with the nuclear deal you just signed with India. Well, it's between you and him but I think you should throw a few F-16s at him just to keep him quiet for now. International politics is not my cup of kehwah but it sure seems as interesting as a good Bollywood movie. That reminds me that they recently made a very good cartoon on an Indian God. I think you should check it out since you adore cartoons. I am sure you will find it as entertaining as SpongeBob.

Now I must get to the point of sending this letter. Georgie, we all know how much you tried and worked for our American ports deal to get through but it seems the Congress is not in the mood for it. Hence, I am going to back off from this deal and transfer the interests to an American company. Of course, it will be an American company of our choice, perhaps Dick Cheney's Halliburton. Jazakallah, Congress still does not know how we control it through other Dubai-owned companies. Georgie, you don't have to worry about a single thing. I am not going to hold this against you at all. Mashallah, you have been a very good friend of ours and you're always welcome to stay at Burj-al-Arab's Buggs Bunny suite. We know how much you enjoyed it last time. Also, you don't have to worry about you dad's job at Carlyle Group. I have spoken to my cousin and have instructed him not to take any unnecessary steps.

Georgie, I just don't understand how your people could not see us as good people. Just like all American women are not as sexy as Jennifer Lopez, you should tell your people that all Arabs are not linked to terrorism. I have instructed my people to hire some American celebrities to carry out our PR job. Clinton and Madeline Albright have not done a good job at our PR. I think your people pay more attention to Entertainment Tonight, Extra and Hollywood Access than CNN and Fox News. Georgie, I think I am going to ask J-Lo to take care of this issue. She has been very nice and understanding so far, if you know what I mean. ;)

However, Georgie, there is one thing that has been bothering me for the past few days and I was not sure how to bring it up with you. Georgie, as you had expressed your interests in working in Dubai after your presidency, I gave your resume to my HR Person. Unfortunately, according to HR, they have a very strict policy of hiring candidates with good educational credentials irrespective of their experience and political status. And your record is not that clear. Georgie, you are like a brother to me but I cannot do much in this area. You know we are trying to run our companies on WTO standards and practise complete accountability, the American way. Even my son is doing his MBA at University of California, San Diego so that he can work for DP World after me. You must understand my position. I hope you can enroll in a Masters program soon after your presidency and then there should not be a problem for you to get a job in Dubai, Inshallah.

Till then, may Allah bestow his blessings upon you and your family.

Fiamaan illaah

Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum (Sheikh Mo)
CEO, Dubai Ports World

Tagged : George Bush , DP World , Dubai , Sheikh Mo

Do Indians Also Hate President Bush?

Abrar Siddiqui — Thu, 2 Mar 2006 14:57:48 EST

� Khalil Bendib 2006. You can see more of Khalil Bendib's cartoons at www.bendib.com

President Bush's current visit to India made headlines in the news not just for the fact that it is his first visit to the country or due to its strategic importance, but due to the protests carried out by thousands of people all across India. Protests are a common phenomenon that always greet President Bush on every trip without exception. Be it Europe, Latin America or neighboring Canada or Mexico, protests and protests are all that welcome the leader of the 'free world' on his travels across the globe. Some protestors who travel from country to country in order to participate in every protests have started boosting their accomplishments by 'Frequent Protester Miles' as oppose to Frequent Flyer Miles.

The strength of the protests in India, around half a million people seemed to compete with the upcoming protests in Pakistan as President Bush heads towards Pakistan on Friday. Pakistani protestors have been pushed into hot waters with the huge numbers that Indian protestors pulled before and during President Bush's visit. To some it seems, India has already defeated Pakistan in this avenue as well, much like the ODI series earlier this year. Others say, that protests should be judged in per capita terms. India with a population of 1 billion could only produce half a million protestors, and Pakistani protestors claim that their strength in per capita terms would be higher with the smaller population size of Pakistan. Influence of a Prime Minister with a Finance background already seems to be rubbing off on to some common folks.

Why the protests in India? Americans, as confused as ever, are forced to wonder why would Indians protest. Don't they love us? It makes sense when Arab countries carry out radical protests, but why India? Is this not the country which is getting all the 'American' jobs and loves to immitate American accents and copy American names while innocent average Joes call for their lost baggage and technical support? In a true simplistic manner it would be understandable that the protests are being carried out by the Indian Muslims, as India is home to the second biggest Muslim population in the country. However, the protests are also being led by India's Dalit, Maoist and Communist leaders who see President Bush as the capitalist world's leader and a danger to their Indian identity and socialist system.

So why are they protesting with the Muslims? What happened to India's communal riots where Muslims and Hindus were killing each other? Well, it seems that Hindus and Muslims might have some internal issues, however, they are very united against external forces that are bent on changing the things that they treasue most. As their love for Shahrukh Khan is universal all across India, so are their sentiments for President Bush. Some political pundits claim that the anti-globalization and communist groups in India are fueling these protests in the name of protecting Indian culture and identity. These groups are using the protests to highlight their concerns about the ill effects of outsourcing on the Indian culture, quite similar to the Right-Wing groups' concerns with the jobs that are being expoted out of America. However, others say that these groups only represent farmers and peasants and have nothing to do with urban centers, where the majority of Indian working population lives. Hence there are no double standards in India, where people would be protesting while sporting Calvin Klein and GAP T-shirts and hurling Nike and Adidas shoes at President Bush's effigies. This was a familar picture from the protests in the Middle East which illustrate clearly the double-standards that are at the very core of the problems being faced by the Muslim world.

In more interesting news, which may give few more Indians ample reason to protest President Bush's visits, it has been learnt that India's Prime Minsiter, Manmohan Singh was briefly frisked by American security staff before he could greet President Bush. The media was kept out of sight and hence could not see the incident, but BJP Vice President, Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi, later told the media that it was an insult and humiliation for the nation to allow foreigners to check the Indian prime minister in his own land. BJP has vowed to bring this incident into the full attention of the public.

Similarly, one of New Delhi's most exclusive 5-star hotels, Le Meridien Hotel, had its own reason to protest President Bush's visit. The US Embassy, reportedly, booked 70 rooms in the hotel, with regards to President Bush's visit and the heavy entourage of security personnels. However, the hotel management was surprised to find that the rooms had been reserved for security dogs. US security personnel accompanying the sniffer dogs were offended when the management told them that dogs were not allowed on the hotel premises. The External Affairs Ministry was forced to intervene into the matter and assured the visitng American secuirty staff that their secuirty dogs will receive the same princely treatment that the hotel bestowes upon its other more "human" guests.

And then some people in America wonder, why everyone hates them?

Cross-posted at: Murgha Of The Day

Book Review: The World Is Flat

Abrar Siddiqui — Thu, 2 Mar 2006 00:01:13 EST

Thomas L. Friedman, celebrated columnist and award-winning author, picks up his discussion about globalization from where he left it in his 1998 book, Lexus and the Olive Tree. His latest offering, "The World is Flat: A Brief History of the 21st Century" presents a small peak into the brave new world that has shaped around us and caught some by surprise and others by infinite opportunities.

Tom, similar to his earlier work, continues to maintain his casual and narrative tone, a style which he brings from his journalism background. Thus, the book offers many interesting anecdotes and incidents from all across the globe, mixed with Tom's theories and arguments which create a very refreshing and interesting reading experience. Being a great admirer of his style of writing and the story-telling nature of his work, which grabs the readers' instantaneous attention, The World is Flat did not disappoint me at all and it would be wrong to say that I did not enjoy it.

Thomas starts his book by providing an interesting analogy of his trip to Bangalore with Christopher Columbus' efforts to discover a Western route to India. The only fundamental difference between these two explorers is that where Columbus traveled West to find India's riches, Tom traveled East to find the reality behind the American jobs that had been outsourced to India. However, as Columbus discovered that the World is in fact round, Friedman came to the conclusion that the world is flat. Friedman describes his discovery about the flatness as an interesting incident that occurred when he met Infosys Technologies' CEO, Nandan Nilekani, during an interview for his Discovery Channel documentary:

We were sitting on the couch outside of Nilekani's office, waiting for the TV crew to set up its cameras. At one point, summing up the implications of all this, Nilekani uttered a phrase that rang in my ear. He said to me, "Tom, the playing field is being leveled." He meant that countries like India are now able to compete for global knowledge work as never before - and that America had better get ready for this.

What Nandan is saying, I thought, is that the playing field is being
flattened... Flattened? Flattened? My God, he's telling me the world is
flat.

Tom further explains that due to the flatness and shrinking of the current globalization system, individuals have a newfound power to collaborate and compete, just like how multinationals and countries did in previous eras. Not only the individuals are more powerful in this new era, they are also more diverse in their background. The new flattened world makes it possible for so many more people to plug and play and you are going to see every color of the human rainbow take part.

Tom attributes "Ten Forces that Flattened the World" as a collection of ten incidents, companies and technologies which flattened the world. Furthermore, he explains how the current flattening and shrinking of the world is happening at warp speed and directly or indirectly touching a lot more people on the planet at once. Hence, he suggests how we should incorporate ourselves into this changing new world and how the society should absorb this change in ways that do not overwhelm the people but also do not leave them behind.

By providing this review as a series, I wish to discuss more incidents and ancedotes from this book as they would be very helpful in understand the topic of globalization that is center to many discussions on this website. Hence, I hope giving a broader review of this book would help the readers in understanding the various issues that are around us. The whole controversy about Dubai's take over of Ports; India and USA signing a Nuclear Deal; Pakistan and India moving towards peace through trade and hence opting for the "Lexus"(Trade) and keeping the "Olive Tree"(Kashmir) in background would be more clearer if we look at them in view of "The Flat World."

Nasty Girl! Women and Media - An Uneasy Relationship

Abrar Siddiqui — Sun, 26 Feb 2006 06:28:37 EST

Recently, a good friend of mine introduced me to the latest Hip-hop sensation, 'Nasty Girl' by Notorious B.I.G.

For those who have been living on the moon for last 20 years, Notorious B.I.G. is considered the savior of the East Coast hip-hop scene and enjoys Elvis-like status in the hip-hop music industry. He has made an everlasting impact on the industry, but due to the 'notorious' nature of the business, signified truly by his name, he himslef fell victim to the gang violence that plagued inner-city America during the latter part of the 20th century. That's right, he has been dead since 1997 but Biggie is not to be left behind when it comes to following the latest trend of making records after death. If Lennon and Elvis can do it, then why must Biggie be left behind?

'Nasty Girl' is the first video to come out from the album, "Biggie Duets: Last Chance", featuring collaborations from all the shining stars of the 'bling-bling' industry. According to the album's master producer, Diddy (or P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Sean P. Diddy Combs), the song is about loving women and expressing pertinent sentiments. Listening more into the lyrics it comes to your attention that it's not just about loving women but all the creative ways one can employ to love them. Objectification and symbolism of women as recreational toys in the hands of rich and famous get a new meaning in the song. And the video makes a full effort to highlight this fact so the viewers fully understand how to treat a 'nasty girl'.

Biggie starts the song by clearly stating his point of view:

I go, on and on and on and
Don't take them to the crib unless they bon'in
Easy, call em on the phone
and platinum Chanel cologne and
I stay, dressed, to impress
Spark these bitches interest
Sex is all I expect

Not to be outdone, Diddy comes up with his own set of demands:

I need u to dance,
I need u to strip
I need u to shake Ur little ass n hips
I need u to grind like Ur working for tips
N give me what I need while we listen to prince

The complete lyrics, which do make an interesting read, can be found here.

The idea of using women as a marketing product is not something new, however, the growing phenomena should be a grave concern to the feminsts groups who seem very busy with pro-choice issues only. 'Nasty Girl' is simply following the industry practice of female exploitation and cruising along the freeway due to the absence of any sort of protest over such practice.

This exploitation is not simply limited to the hip-hop world. This month's issue of Vanity Fair proudly exhibits two Hollywood leading ladies deprived of all their clothing with a fully dressed male fashion icon. The ladies who chose to bare it all for Vanity Fair's Hollywood issue are Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson, while no one thought of asking Tom Ford, fashion designer, to disrobe. Some may call it art, but it seems that talent is not the only thing that a female actress needs to make headlines in Hollywood. Both the females have been critically acclaimed for their various roles and have earned countless nominations and awards for their work. However, the prevalent social norms, four decades after the feminist movement, still demand that they remove their clothing in order to earn a higher place in Hollywood. And the marketing team at Vanity Fair gave itself a pat on its own shoulder for correctly using naked actresses to increase the magazine's subscription by 3,000 and earning 5 million website visits since the launch of that issue.

Whether it's Diddy celebrating recording industry's giant using a song called 'Nasty Girl' or the case of Vanity Fair using naked actresses for its Hollywood issue, the use of women as a marketing tool speaks volumes of the status modern society has given to the female sex. Alarming is also the mode of acceptance such practice has received from the women themselves, who are quite oblivious to the capitalistic nature of exploitation business.

While most young girls would readily sing along with the Black Eyed Peas as Fergie sings "my humps, my humps, my lady lumps" and provokes men to "check it out", only few would pay attention to the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, U.S. First Lady, "Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Nasty, indeed.

Outsourcing Blues of the American MiddleClass

Abrar Siddiqui — Wed, 22 Feb 2006 12:14:08 EST

While the workers in many American factories and service industry contemplate about the impending doom of their jobs about to be outsourced, India and China on the other hand are fiercely competing with each other for those jobs.

As a growing phenomenon in the American workplace, it's not uncommon for our average American murgha to loose out his job to the hard-working and ever-ready Harold & Kumar. Making a murgha out of the middle-class Americans, the Indians and Chinese are willing to take over all sorts of jobs for a fraction of the cost. And what's with all the complaining about American jobs!! Can someone please tell these people that there is no such thing as an 'American job'?

Wake up from the American Dream and start living in the true reality of globalization. However, I would never argue that there is a certain job that will always stay with Americans since they are so darn good at it: the tough job of taking over sovereign regimes in the name of liberty and democracy. China and India are in no mood to compete for those jobs, so whoever is scared of being outsourced should join the US Army. They have a number of long-term projects coming up such as Iran and North Korea.

As for outsourcing homework to India, check out www.rentacoder.com and www.guru.com. There are many Harolds and Kumars on these sites who are more than willing to do your homework for $5 - $100 via email. And the best thing about it all is that you can always charge it to daddy dear's credit card, assuming daddy still has his job and it hasn't been outsourced to Harold & Kumar as well; just not as yet!!

Cross-posted at: Murgha of the Day

Tagged : Outsourcing, India, China, Globalization

President's Day and the Murgha President: George Bush

Abrar Siddiqui — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 01:24:51 EST

This is an article I posted on my Personal Blog yesterday to commemorate President's Day in United States of America.

The third Monday in February is celebrated all across America as President's Day Holiday. The holiday is officially in commemoration of George Washington's birthday which fell on February 22, 1732 and reminds everyone around the world about the greatness that resonated with the words "President of United States of America. Great men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln held this office and laid the building blocks of a society based on democracy, liberty and respect.

Sadly, the greatness of those men and the might of their character is put to shame by the current incumbent of the office, George Walker Bush. Also known as Junior Bush, the President is more popular for his comical acts than any of his policy initiatives. The President, or as I call him the "Murgha President", has made a fool out of himself on a daily basis and does not fail to provide the viewers with a reason to laugh. Conversely, the President has ensured that the Late Night Shows and Comics don't have to work too hard to come up with fresh material everyday. He himself has taken the solemn duty to fulfill this task, and hence make the world a happier place.

To many average Joes, the President's comical "Bushisms" and acts of wisdoms relay a small glitter of hope. An office, once considered the 'hardest and most respectable job in America', has become an attainable goal to many average Joes all across the world. With a leader like this, how can you blame the American kids for the drop in their high school grades!! A nation's youth is always inspired by its own leaders than any other historical characters. When the American youth looks at their own President in such comical situations and 'mishaps', it's hard for them to find inspiration.

Murgha President Video of the Day: A video collection of President George W. Bush at his hilarious best, with Bushisms and sound bytes to keep you laughing for hours.

Murgha President Top 5 Quotes from last year:

1. "I'm occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term." -- Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

2. "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?" --in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005 (View photo)

3. "Wow! Brazil is big." George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

4. "Listen, I want to thank leaders of the -- in the faith -- faith-based and community-based community for being here." George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 6, 2005

5. "The relations with, uhh -- Europe are important relations, and they've, uhh -- because, we do share values. And, they're universal values, they're not American values or, you know -- European values, they're universal values. And those values -- uhh -- being universal, ought to be applied everywhere." George W. Bush, at a press conference with European Union dignitaries, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

Sadly, its hard for anyone to compare and compile any jokes of President Bush without leaving out many other equally comical and utterly stupid incidents. However, the small compilation of above mentioned incidents clearly land President George W. Bush with the rarely sought title: THE MURGHA PRESIDENT.

Tagged : George Bush , President's Day , Bushism

Rang De Pakistani

Abrar Siddiqui — Fri, 17 Feb 2006 21:56:14 EST

Bollywood movies enjoy similar, if not more, popularity among the Pakistanis living in Pakistan and abroad. Living in Canada, often a good Bollywood movie is all that one needs to overcome the homesickness, even if the home happens to be Pakistan. Since few bad experiences with certain Bollywood movies, I have made a point to read the reviews and research general opinion from fellow Bollywood lovers. (However, this exercise is skipped in case of Shahrukh Khan movies for no plausible reason.) The opinion-gathering process before setting on course to 'Rang De Basanti' made me a little skeptical about how much I would connect with the latest Bollywood offering. After all, how could a Pakistani connect with a movie themed around Indian youthful patriotism and infused with Indian History? Little I knew, a great surprise was in store for me!

'Rang De Basanti' is primarily aimed towards the educated Indian youth and makes a beautiful attempt towards 'awakening the generation'. While my fellow Indian friends were 'awakening' and were visibly moved by the movie, I could not help but experience similar feelings; only in a slightly different context: Pakistan. It was no accident of nature, but a sense of realization that allowed me to connect with the movie in the most realistic way than any previous Bollywood engagements. The streets of Delhi seemed like the streets of Karachi while the shameless use of 'Jai Hind' by the Indian politicians reminded me of Pakistani politicians using 'Pakistan Zindabad', similarly, without any guilt or conscience. Aamir Khan and gang could have easily been students in any Pakistani college and yet they would have been fighting the same injustice and corruption that is so widely visible in both countries. The government's clear ignorance towards the problems faced by the masses is undoubtedly more common on both sides of the border than the common heritage which is usually the center of most Pakistan-India friendship conversations. As a Pakistani, this movie clearly showed me that we have more commonalities than we may know.

An Indian movie inspiring a Pakistani to do something about the problems in his own country speaks larger volumes than any other cultural association that we may ascribe to. A Pakistani getting inspired may come as a surprise to some Indians who have raved the movie here and have shown how they have been moved by this movie to such an extend that they want have given moving back to Indian at least some thought.

Even I walked out with similar feelings as the little patriot somewhere inside me was humming 'Roobaroo' from the movie. The violent reaction towards solving the problems is still quite debatable. After all, such course of action seems completely in opposition to Gandhi's preaching and the non-violent means he used when faced with similar oppression by a different kind of oppressor. Such violent behavior did not settle with some of my friends and the anti-government actions did not qualify as the patriotic thing to do. However, it just reminded me of something Edward Abbey, famous American author, once said regarding patriotism, "A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government."