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Of Cats, Dogs and Individuals
RukmaniRam
Last week, I visited Fox- friend, kitten lover and a SPCA volunteer. As always, I found a kitten (this time around, it was Peekaboo) she was fostering for the SPCA. But there was also another cat, Harlequin, who "found" Fox and often came to eat and snuggle. Fox tried to find the owner of the cat. But when Harley was still homeless after a few weeks , she was taken to the SPCA to be cared for and hopefully adopted. Having grown up in a country where cats, dogs, cows and other such animals roam the streets with authority, I wondered why Harley had to be adopted or stay at the SPCA. Couldn't she just be a cat that wandered the neighborhood? Apparently, not. She had to "belong" to a family. She *had* to be a pet.
The same goes for dogs too. It was then that I realized that I had hardly seen a stray animal in the 11 months I have spent here in the US. Fox tells me that I had to look in the right places to find them. Besides, those animals did not want to be seen by humans- either because they once belonged to a family and later were dumped, or had been mistreated by people and were so affected that they feared us. These animals had to be pets (or livestock a la barn cats), because they could not survive on their own. If left to themselves, what happens when they are sick/hurt? They would have no one to take care of them. I have also heard that the "wild" ones would run loose acting out their whims and fancies with no one to regulate them.
My mind kept drifting to the dog that gave birth to her litter underneath the staircase of my aunt's house in Chennai and then I felt I had heard something very similar before. Of the need to "belong" and "not be just a cat"… Oh yes, I know what it is. It's the older generation referring to me! But of course! You had to be part of a family. You *had* to be a pet (or in some cases, livestock too! :P) and belong. You couldn't be just a person, just a woman. I could also see the other parallels… People disliking or being afraid of society: either because they were disowned by it, or because they were taunted by it.
When I told someone that I enjoyed living by myself I was accused of abandoning my responsibilities towards my family! My desire to live alone as an adult is seen as unnatural, and I was branded as "Americanized". Wait… what? Why? "Because in India there is no life living alone. There isn't meaning to your life unless you have someone to live for (or had someone who lived for you). An individual life has no meaning at all." If you are defined by your job, you are a workaholic; if you live alone and go to grad school, you are a student; if you are married, you are a wife (and if you stay at home too, you are a housewife... being the wife of a house is something I find highly amusing!), you're a daughter in law, a mom, a sister (or a son, brother, father, husband- I hear this isn't gender specific!). I always thought these were roles we played in our lives, and who we were was defined by our interests, our passions, our principles and our beliefs.
Another person I have known for a very long time loathes the word "independence", because, to him, it implies defiance of authority.I don't get it. Independence, or as I like to call it (and think is more appropriate, seeing as human society is inherently interdependent) – self reliance (emotional, physical, financial- anyway you see it) is real hard. It is a lot of responsibility- towards yourself and towards society. It's not about not having a boss; it's about not having someone to lead you on. It is not about not having anyone to answer to; it's about being answerable to yourself. My reluctance to go back and "belong" to the structured society also stems from the fear that the freedom of thought and (to some extent) action that I have developed over the past few years will be unceremoniously taken away from me. I live with the elders, I'm always someone's beta, and a Beta is never an Alpha.
I'm not saying I do not like being part of a family. I'm only saying; don't feel sorry for me if I don't. I'm not saying that I don't need people around me. I'm only saying; if there aren't I'm still going to be okay. I'm not saying I don't want to be a pet. I'm only saying; that sometimes I want to be just a cat.
P.S: To all the PJ masters out there, I am speaking metaphorically. I do NOT *actually* want to be a cat.
Of Cats, Dogs and Individuals
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Deepti Lamba
URL
July 24, 2008
12:30 AM
My cats will tell you that I belong to them and not the other way round;)
RukmaniRam
URL
July 24, 2008
12:34 AM
Fox tells me that too- that dogs see you as their owners, and cats see you as their property!
LVS
URL
July 24, 2008
01:01 AM
so your Paprika is now Fox?
temporal
URL
July 25, 2008
05:28 PM
inflicting?
;)
RukmaniRam
URL
July 25, 2008
10:41 PM
temporal, after a point that becomes inevitable! (even when no humor is intended) :P
teller
August 27, 2008
07:26 PM
I guess I would say living alone for life isn't living much. It's always nice when you have someone o come back home to.
Deepa Krishnan
URL
August 29, 2008
08:43 AM
It's lovely to be young and by yourself, self-sufficient, independent, and so on. "This is MY space", you can say with satisfaction. "No one else can mess with this".
The game changes when you grow older, when you can't get many of the things that were open to you in your youth. You fall ill more often, and you're all alone. You can't hook up, not any more, with attractive guys or girls for those "fun" nights. You don't like the shape of your breasts any more. Your friends have kids and grandchildren and no time for you.
So in my view there is a TIME for independence and a time for dependence, and a happy life is when you have spent (misspent actually) enough time in your youth independently to have no regrets when you go into "dependence mode".
Lecture over. Class dismissed.
Kerty
August 29, 2008
01:43 PM
Living wild in the wild, living like stray cats and dogs, living like rolling stones gathering no attachments in the process has its own charm. Living at the top of the mountain, living recluse from the flow of life around can give unique perspective. Our Rishis and Yogis did that. They did it for higher purpose, higher goals in life, and society benefited from their experiences, wisdom and discoveries. That is why we put them up in higher pedestal. But living like stray cats can take persons to lowest denominators too, and probably in most cases. So it is not a lifestyle for all. When combined with higher purpose in life, it can be very rewarding.
the ninth commentor
August 29, 2008
02:06 PM
"there is a TIME for independence and a time for dependence, and a happy life is when you have spent (misspent actually) enough time in your youth independently to have no regrets when you go into "dependence mode"."- Deepa, well said.
Kerty, if you ask a stray dog or cat (and why stray? why not just a cat/dog? I think I agree with the author on that count), you will probably find one that says "yeah, it's a tough life, but atleast I don't have someone forcing a silly looking bow on my head" (that is, if you can get them to talk! :P)
As for the author's comments, I think I would agree partly, because I believe in being self sufficient (as mach as is possible) but I'm not sure I want to do it for life. Sometimes I want to lie down and have someone take care of me :D
kerty
August 29, 2008
02:36 PM
#9
Worry not. We will pick each others pockets thru taxation to create welfare state that will look after all from cradle to grave so nobody have to depend on nobody during any stage of life - There is still dependence on tax payers, government and wily politicians - but I guess if our politicians are smart or if we elect those who are smart, our welfare state does not have to raid our own tax payer base - our country can go off-shore and rob other poor countries. It is a good plan that can work.
Ayan Roy
August 29, 2008
02:42 PM
How did I miss this piece? Rukmani, well written! What you said resonates so much with my personal thoughts.
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Living independently does not mean leading an irresponsible vagabondish life and contributing nothing back to society.
In fact, to live independently and smoothly, you have to be extremely disciplined, on your toes all the time, you have to be alert and aware, and have to plan things like in a chess game. Nobody is going to mollycoddle you or have over things to you on a platter.
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Independence means that a person is the master of his own ship and the captian of his soul, provided he plays by the rules of the game. It means not to be influenced, coerced or forced into choices, and not to follow the "herd" out of peer pressure or compulsion. It means independent thought, action and choices.
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Just do your own thing, don't bother others, don't get bothered by others and be happy!
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You were referring to 'cats' - I sometimes think of myself as the "LONE WOLF" :-)
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Deepa, why do you make old age sould so painful and morose?
You use the words 'loneliness' 'regrets' 'illness' 'dependence'. Middle and old age can be the time for a lot of fun and fullfillment. You just have to be careful that you do not overstrain your body too much.
The rest depends upon the SPIRIT of a person, which I think has NOTHING TO DO WITH AGE.
I have seen many glum, dead spirited youngsters and jolly, jovial single old people who are livewires even at 80.
Secondly, why do we need to be dependant on others to keep ourselves happy??? The key to true happiness is to be in the moment, to enjoy the smallest things, and to keep ourselves busy.
He who does not need anyone else to be happy is the happiest person indeed!
RukmaniRam
URL
August 29, 2008
06:14 PM
err, I for one, haven't been able to hook up with attractive guys ever! And my friends, with their boyfriends/girlfriends, job or grad school work, dont have time for me even now! :(
And it's not about no one else messing with MY space (trust me, they do :P).. its about having to clean up the mess in MY space myself! I have heard the "you will regret it when you grow older" line too often. And often, I get the feeling that the reference is to marriage and "settling" with a family. I have seen a couple of unmarried people, who live alone, and a jolly good people. And I have seen married people, who have "someone to come home to" who are totally unhappy too.
Deepa, you do make old age sound so sad.. :P. Even now I'm all alone anyway!
When I say "don't feel sorry for me if I happen to live alone" does not mean I intend to live alone forever. It only means, in that eventuality, I'm going to find ways to be content within myself.
@Ayan: Lone wolf, eh? And I would agree with your last line.
@kerty: #10- LOL!
the thirteenth commentor
September 1, 2008
08:15 PM
@ kerty: maybe we should get the ball rolling on this plan then! :P
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