Old Parents Left Behind

Deepti, you say: "They are so used to the city and the circle around them that they are not taking up their son's offer to take them with him to the US, worrying about what they will do in a strange place, whether they will get along with their daughter-in-law (she is used to running the show in that house)

Well, lets see, for starters they could try and be a bit more accommodating and maybe even adventurous when it comes to country of residence and secondly set their egoes aside and make peace with the fact that their daughter-in-law doesn't have to be a complete ogre for running the show in her own house. This would likely be a step in the right direction rather than completely dismissing an option just because of premature apprehensions without even giving it one try.

Its either that or have a better social life for themselves where they are.

On a lighter note if they are getting testy when you bring up sensible options another solution may be to stop visiting them.

...hehe, just kidding! :)) I couldn't help myself. sorry! :D

I totally agree; however, on a lighter note, many elderly people can be a bit stubborn on certain matters that seem logical to everybody else.

DeeptiA... I felt like you had already come to a conclusion.... the words you used felt like an indictment of the son for wanting to stay where he was settled.

Yes, this is a common problem, the the rhetoric I see bashing up people that refuse to uproot themselves mid-life to come home and take care of mom and dad is ridiculous. I mean, yes we all have a responsibility to care for our relatives. But they also have a responsibility to be flexible. It makes no sense for someone to give up home, career, uproot children into a new culture, etc because parents refuse to move. Yes, it is a bit scary, but as Aditi said they could give it a go.

Perhaps the solution would be to be pro-active and think about these things BEFORE making important life decisions?

Thats just my take - I tend to decide things with the head, not the heart. Many people though, leave things to sort themselves out, and don't think too far ahead. Things do sort out, too, generally, even if the process is sometimes painful

I know, which was why I was distressed; the logical conclusion was that they should go to meet their children, but they are uncomfortable in uprooting themselves (and this is not an isolated case); hence I was actually distressed by the entire situation. I am not actually blaming the son (and I don't know enough about the whole situation; he may have been regularly pleading with them to come with him, and be very dutiful), but the fact is that there are old parents living without support.

In order to avoid such situations in future, it is ideal to prepare parents to face life abroad. If you are planning to relocate back to India after a stint abroad, it is ideal to take your kids atleast once a year to visit the country. This will acquaint them with their relatives and the culture they will be living in future. On a personal level, I can safely say this is the ideal way to go about. Adapting becomes easier.

Similarly, if you want to settle abroad and have your parents with you, it is ideal to have them visit you atleast once a year. This will help them understand the culture and functioning of the house. If they were not used to traveling abroad, it will give them a good feel of the new country. It will also help them build an unprejudiced opinion if they are asked to relocate.

I agree, but usually the ones who will agree to yearly trips are not the ones with the issues. take my in-laws. Both sons are here in the US. They never once visited son #1, despite repeated pleading from him to come... esp to his graduation. Now other son is here, too and still we're met with utter resistance to even a discussion about a visit, despite their grandchild being over here.

Have we abandoned them? We'd be perfectly happy to host them as long as they want to stay, yet they refuse to come even if we pay!!! Who has abandoned whom?

Parents living with you is not a good idea at all. Parents and in-laws should always live outside a radius of 100 miles :-)

Jokes apart, this is a phoren versus non phoren situation. You cannot have everything in life. Bear it.

ss:

i found this hurried, sloppy and rushed post.

(i had hoped you would have touched on it in your irascible way with words)

this is the stuff of a personal blog ... where anything goes

***

this is a serious topic that ought to have been researched more

***

instead ... it appears that the writer sat down and hammered it away in one go


***

thoughts on the post:

this is a serious topic and there are many sides to the issue that have not been explored in depth

e.g.

* parents bring us up
* does that means they can 'dictate'
* if yes, for how long?
* senior's care (both medical and social)
* costs of 'actions' - parents and children's
* costs of decision making -
* old 'family' vs nuclear family

temp.. well, yeah that is basically what I was trying to get at. I am *trying* to be nicer in my old(er) age. LOL

Temporal, so we should continue to discuss (it does not matter whether the post was good or not or had a very high / low level of quality).
This is a serious issue - it is the cost of 'actions' and the consequences of actions that need to be kept in mind. I am of the type who believes that a person needs to take care of parents, but at the same time, if parents refuse to accomodate, it gets very tricky. Where you do you balance ambition with responsibility ?

I don't think parents should go to her sons house.

as daughter in law is the show runner and it should be like that only for happy family.

I am a guy who lives abroad, yes I am not married - so maybe I have not yet come across what many of you may be here.

But, here is how I plan to approach this issue. I am the only kid and I have a tremendous gratitude towards my parents for being where I am today.

I believe that is my duty to adjust myself to my parent's need. They are older and have gotten used to living life in a particular manner. I think the son should try and create a situation where he forces the parents to come - use any means necessary - plead, beg, threaten, etc. Remember the days when you badly wanted a bat, a doll, etc and how you begged, pleaded and pulmerized your parents into getting you one. Why not show the same level of intensity to your folks in getting them to visit? They have a fear of whether they will adjust or not.

Now, the author has not spoken about the socio-economic status of whether they believe being in the US, their level of English may be good enough or not, etc - I think a fear could be that.

Plus, who knows maybe the folks were being diplomatic and knew that they would have problems with the daughter in law or even with their son. Who knows? Maybe that explains their testiness.

I condemn all those who commented that the parents should change their attitude are giving out a sense of being high and mighty, I mean why can't I ask the same question of you heh - why should you not adapt? Why cannot you make the trip to India often? In the US, especially software companies let you work from home, it does not matter to them where you sit as long as the work is done. Come down to India, stay with your parents during the summer vacations, test out the waters in India. Who knows you may get a better opportunity in India?

I believe that the issue of old age family vs nuclear family is a bunch of baloney, because it has existed for centuries, it may not have been very prominent before when families living together were forced because of societal pressures. It's a mixed bag, if the mother in law and daughter in law have genuine respect and consideration then it makes life much easier. We, humans as a lot cannot co-exist peacefully all the time, there will be issues which may separate families and remain separate for generations or may come back soon.

Venkatesh: Firstly, I would like for you to face the sticky predicament between asking your parents to adjust versus asking your growing kids to adjust before "condemning" us. You seem to be ok with "threatening" your parents and throwing an intense tantrum to get them to visit the US but are condemning us for suggesting that we try to change their minds like adults would? How odd.

You said: "It's a mixed bag, if the mother in law and daughter in law have genuine respect and consideration then it makes life much easier"

Such an idealistic world you men live in before getting married. I hate to break it to you but life is about to get difficult post-wedding reception. Also I didn't know that things which have existed for centuries automatically get converted to "baloney" status.

What amuses me is that you are "condemning" some of us for suggesting exactly what you have minus the intense tantrum/ beg/ threat approach and unsolicited career counseling.

oh venkatesh... your immaturity is showing. you're unmarried and as I can see, very very young. For all the reasons Aditi mentioned above.

Actually your reasoning doesn't even make sense! You "condemn" (ha! what a word!)those of us with tough choices to make but your reasoning method of choice is to throw a tantrum? And not everyone works in IT. Of course you do so you think the world is just like you. What about my husband, a doc, just starting his practice. He has barely enough time for me and his infant, let alone time to jet off to India for "summer vacation" (what the hell is that? What career gives summer vacation? we're not in high school anymore, yaar!). Not to mention that we don't have the money for it either. Oh and his parents are retired. My husband and I both have careers. That were decidedly NOT better in India. And oh yeah, I work in IT and I cannot work from home. Looks like your rationale is out the window, buddy.

Some scattered thoughts on this topic, mainly concentrating on the elderly 'parents'

*****
Um, this is rather a difficult problem to resolve..Nobody's in the wrong, and both the childrens' and the parents' points of view are acceptable.

*****
Unfortunately most (Indian) middle class, middle aged parents, are a bit less adventurous, less accomodating, more close minded and mentally insulated, compared to their western counterparts. This is going to take some time to change, and changing a pre-set mindset is not easy.

*****
(A large percentage of foreign tourists, and backpackers I see in India are middle-aged, old and retired folks, and they don't seem to be filthy rich either!)
Many people find a new zing in life post retirement.
"My children have flown away and created their own nests. Now I am alone and free, and my feathers are slowly starting to fall off -- so let me fly high in the sky and enjoy the view one last time before the sun sets finally. Let me do the things I never managed to do when I was young, but was tied up with responsibility and duty"

The elderly can get inspired by movies like the hilarious "Shaukeen" and "Lage Raho Munnabhai".

Attitude and spirit has got nothing to do with age. I don't know what kind of personal or social propriety the many elderly try to follow, and what satisfaction they get, by acting morose, quiet, sulky; dressing down drastically and being cynical and negative about everything.

Maybe the children can inspire the parents or set off that spark, which can help them 'blast sixes off the front foot' in their 'second innings'!
*****

On the compassionate side, I think the elderly need COMPANY. Someone to TALK to. Someone to share their worries and nostalgic moments. So if its not your own kith and kin, due to geographical reasons, then even strangers do fine.

(I once was jogging in a park where an elderly lady was sitting in a wheelchair with an inattentive attendant. A complete stranger. After finishing my jogging, I saw that she was desparately looking for someone to talk to. I went and sat next to her, and after about an hour, it seemed that we knew each other for so long. She had tears in her eyes when I was getting up to go..)

Taking this a bit further, can't we implement a sort of social security network of school-kids and college-kids who look after the elderly in the colony? In Holland (and maybe in many other countries), college kids are assigned houses where the elderly live; every week-end they go and clean up the house, cook for them, buy groceries, play games and talk to them. In return they get certificates which are of immense value on a C.V.
A similar sort of system could be implemented in India. In colonies and localities with lonely elderly people, kids could spend some time with them, helping them out and doing chores for them, and in return they could get some pocket money and a certificate.

(Of course, there would be some cranky, extremely private people who would not allow strangers to get close to them!)

*****

I also feel, people, post retirement, should vigourously engage in new hobbies or revive their old childhood interests and hobbies. They can be actively involved in communities with people of similar age and interests.
The key is to keep oneself BUSY and INVOLVED, and CUT DEPENDENCE on CHILDREN as far as possible. This way, one never has time to feel lonely.

Love and peace to all,
Ayan

#11:

...it does not matter whether the post was good or not or had a very high / low level of quality).

I beg to differ for reasons mentioned earlier and worth repeating:

articles posted here should be written with better research, introduction, comprehension, marshaling of arguments, conclusions, formatting, presentation, spellcheck, follow ups etc. to name a few...

when writing...if a writer does not respect his/her self then it shows in the writing that the writer has scant respect for the reader...

they can post whatever they want on their blog...but on a more public platform as this maximum care should be ensured to respect the reader

***

as for the debate on parents in old age...it is continuing ...:)

Ayan, you are so right. I have an old post along the same lines, see here -
http://desicritics.org/2007/09/28/001821.php