The Merits of Deforestation
Deforestation is the act of ridding the earth of space-eating, moth ridden, water sucking, snake hosting pieces of wood otherwise known as trees. Besides different categories of venomous Snakes, they also host various life-threatening organisms such as the baboon, Tarzan, the squirrel and the red ferret. They were once found almost all over the world, but now, due to the untiring efforts of several large organizations dedicated to the preservation of humanity, the prevalence of these pieces of carbon is decreasing considerably.
Despite the FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) being created by certain unsavory personalities in the Scientific and Political circles along with the media, mankind is not the first to discover the art of deforestation. Dinosaurs raked out so much trees that any attempt to compare human deforestation to the deforestation done by the Dinosaurs would go completely die before it is born. And those big lumbering lumbering machines lived 65 million years ago, which is so long ago that a normal human brain (which is not exactly normal in terms of animal infrastructure) will fail to comprehend the analogies involved. While it is true that Dinosaurs are no longer alive today (or we would be writing essays about escaping from a T.Rex on a rampage), it was a comet that got them and not the trees. So, to everyone who opposes deforestation, saying that it will ultimately lead to the destruction of the human race, watch out for the comet!
Deforestation has a multitude of uses that are not being given enough publicity. For example, getting rid of the rainforests has considerably reduced Rain on the planet, which means we get way less rain – which is A Good Thing™, since kids can no longer cut school due to rain. Isn’t that a service to humanity itself? Or take the deforestation of the forests of Africa. If not for anything else, the near extinction of the damned man-eating Tigers and Elephants (which, while technically cannot eat a man, might try and choke on one. Or might just decide to bore him (him, mind you, not her) with its round pointy tusk of a tooth) solely by continued deforestation is an accomplishment in itself. I mean, who likes big yellow striped things which can rip your throat apart on the same planet as themselves? We could have transported them off to Jupiter or somewhere, but deforestation is generally quicker, cheaper and doesn’t cause high noise pollution (We hate pollution, don’t we?) & ugly white streaks on the sky caused by some of the cheaper rockets (the costlier variety just bursts off even without having to take off from the soda bottle). And the Indonesian forests. The deforestation there killed enough monkeys to make sure that man will never evolve from them again, making sure that us Homo Sapiens have a monopoly as the most intelligent species on the planet, barring species you can’t count because they don’t exist. How cool is that?
Deforestation makes Money
Also, Deforestation makes money. Nobody seems to make a huge fuss of this, so here’s the logical, irrefutable proof: 1. Afforestation is planting Trees. 2. Planting trees involves buying them first, which costs money (i.e. Money goes out, which is A Bad Thing™) 3. Deforestation is the opposite of Afforestation 4. So, by definition of opposite, Deforestation makes money come-in, which is A Good Thing™ This is in addition to the non-obvious, non-trivial, non-common knowledge ways in which deforestation makes money, via the Lumber industry, the Agriculture Industry, the Hack-Saw making Industry, and ofcourse the Advertisement industry when they run ads against Deforestation.
The whole Deforestation-is-bad-Afforestation-is-Good saga is a conspiracy theory run at the core by the Governments of India, US, Mauritius, Malaysia, Australia, The Vatican and of course Santa Claus. They are all backed by the huge Afforestation industry, which makes a whole lot of money by plucking plants from where they were sown and putting them down in places which they have not seen in their lifetime. This could only be bad for the plants (they were taken away from their home and planted in a dark, dangerous forest-like place along with a lot of plants they have never talked with before), and for us (hey, it’s our money!). Also, it is believed that Santa Claus is the main mastermind behind this conspiracy (ever noticed the fact he loves Pine Trees so much?) It is also believed that Santa Claus is actually a holographic representation of the Santa on Earth (note the red clothing on both. The black just translates to white on holographic terms). This conspiracy has to be true: I read it on the internet!
So, no matter what everyone else says, Deforestation is good for us. Believe me, despite this poorly constructed essay. If you don’t, you are wrong, because I am right and if you do not believe me, you are wrong. Got it?
The Merits of Deforestation
- » Published on April 26, 2008
- » Type: Satire
- » Filed under: