SATIRE

The Merits of Deforestation

April 26, 2008
yuvipanda

Deforestation is the act of ridding the earth of space-eating, moth ridden, water sucking, snake hosting pieces of wood otherwise known as trees. Besides different categories of venomous Snakes, they also host various life-threatening organisms such as the baboon, Tarzan, the squirrel and the red ferret. They were once found almost all over the world, but now, due to the untiring efforts of several large organizations dedicated to the preservation of humanity, the prevalence of these pieces of carbon is decreasing considerably.

Origins

Despite the FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt) being created by certain unsavory personalities in the Scientific and Political circles along with the media, mankind is not the first to discover the art of deforestation. Dinosaurs raked out so much trees that any attempt to compare human deforestation to the deforestation done by the Dinosaurs would go completely die before it is born. And those big lumbering lumbering machines lived 65 million years ago, which is so long ago that a normal human brain (which is not exactly normal in terms of animal infrastructure) will fail to comprehend the analogies involved. While it is true that Dinosaurs are no longer alive today (or we would be writing essays about escaping from a T.Rex on a rampage), it was a comet that got them and not the trees. So, to everyone who opposes deforestation, saying that it will ultimately lead to the destruction of the human race, watch out for the comet!

Uses

Deforestation has a multitude of uses that are not being given enough publicity. For example, getting rid of the rainforests has considerably reduced Rain on the planet, which means we get way less rain – which is A Good Thing™, since kids can no longer cut school due to rain. Isn’t that a service to humanity itself? Or take the deforestation of the forests of Africa. If not for anything else, the near extinction of the damned man-eating Tigers and Elephants (which, while technically cannot eat a man, might try and choke on one. Or might just decide to bore him (him, mind you, not her) with its round pointy tusk of a tooth) solely by continued deforestation is an accomplishment in itself. I mean, who likes big yellow striped things which can rip your throat apart on the same planet as themselves? We could have transported them off to Jupiter or somewhere, but deforestation is generally quicker, cheaper and doesn’t cause high noise pollution (We hate pollution, don’t we?) & ugly white streaks on the sky caused by some of the cheaper rockets (the costlier variety just bursts off even without having to take off from the soda bottle). And the Indonesian forests. The deforestation there killed enough monkeys to make sure that man will never evolve from them again, making sure that us Homo Sapiens have a monopoly as the most intelligent species on the planet, barring species you can’t count because they don’t exist. How cool is that?

Deforestation makes Money

Also, Deforestation makes money. Nobody seems to make a huge fuss of this, so here’s the logical, irrefutable proof: 1. Afforestation is planting Trees. 2. Planting trees involves buying them first, which costs money (i.e. Money goes out, which is A Bad Thing™) 3. Deforestation is the opposite of Afforestation 4. So, by definition of opposite, Deforestation makes money come-in, which is A Good Thing™ This is in addition to the non-obvious, non-trivial, non-common knowledge ways in which deforestation makes money, via the Lumber industry, the Agriculture Industry, the Hack-Saw making Industry, and ofcourse the Advertisement industry when they run ads against Deforestation.

Conspiracy

The whole Deforestation-is-bad-Afforestation-is-Good saga is a conspiracy theory run at the core by the Governments of India, US, Mauritius, Malaysia, Australia, The Vatican and of course Santa Claus. They are all backed by the huge Afforestation industry, which makes a whole lot of money by plucking plants from where they were sown and putting them down in places which they have not seen in their lifetime. This could only be bad for the plants (they were taken away from their home and planted in a dark, dangerous forest-like place along with a lot of plants they have never talked with before), and for us (hey, it’s our money!). Also, it is believed that Santa Claus is the main mastermind behind this conspiracy (ever noticed the fact he loves Pine Trees so much?) It is also believed that Santa Claus is actually a holographic representation of the Santa on Earth (note the red clothing on both. The black just translates to white on holographic terms). This conspiracy has to be true: I read it on the internet!

Conclusion

So, no matter what everyone else says, Deforestation is good for us. Believe me, despite this poorly constructed essay. If you don’t, you are wrong, because I am right and if you do not believe me, you are wrong. Got it?

Yuvi is a 17 year old programmer who happens to blog, personally at http://blog.yuvisense.net. Huge fan of Microsoft, Linux and Apple, he codes more than he writes. Stats freak, who writes at The Statbot
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#1
temporal
URL
April 27, 2008
12:01 AM

yuvi:

welcome to Desicritics:)

and now that the pleasantries are out of the way i must say your utter condemnation has merits

however

those merits are stretched and far out ... far out as in weed-aided ... admittedly this is conjectural but heck ... my keyboard is covered under the charter of rights;)

to me trees are as important as fire hydrants

both have alternative and needed uses

ask any person in dire need of "relief" or if you can ...ask that person's best friend (of the four legged variety) who turn to trees with one raised leg when there are no hydrants around

(and don't tell me that "charter" do not cover "this" freedom) ... the freedom to "relief" is at par with other freedoms even if the charter-writers feel a tad abashed to mention it boldly

;)

#2
Yuvi
URL
April 27, 2008
12:10 AM

You have, my dear friend, painstakingly pointed out one of the many injustices parted to trees before they are gracefully deforested: Getting 'relief' near a tree is totally agains the tree's rights! Your charter of rights does include a clause about not disrespecting the charter of the tree's rights, no? ;)

#3
temporal
URL
April 27, 2008
12:34 AM

wrong yuvi!

every "person breathing and standing" has an inalienable right to "express" his/her views at a time of his/her choosing be it verbal/non-verbal

the action i have alluded to is part and parcel of non verbal communication ... (internal, external and physical)

everyone has a right to go to the Hague if they dissent

worth noting: so far not a single tree has lodged a protest

;)

#4
Yuvi
URL
April 27, 2008
12:41 AM

Wrong!

Trees haven't complained simply because they don't have the means to: It's like expecting an ultra-poor man to get foodstamps by printing them out of a 2 million dollar color laser printer. Our "justice" processs is soooo convulated that the trees just cannot appeal. Bad. We are using the fact that they don't speak our language to our advantage...

Can the tigers say "It's okay to kill men b'coz none of them have complained to the lion"?

#5
Ms. Anona
April 27, 2008
10:12 AM

Hey Yuvi,

Weird article and even weirder response, temporal. I'm a women so I know nothing about pissing on trees, is that really what the topic of deforestation boils down to?

Anyway, ever tried writing sci-fi? I mostly hate the genre, but am utterly involved with Douglas Adams. You could do a good satire with all this, even the pissing on the trees part. Reminds me of when the dolphins mysteriously disappeared because the Earth was going to be demolished to make way for the supergalatic interstatial highway. The earthlings should have known about it because the charter was on file at the planning office. Of course the office was on a planet many light-years away.

#6
Yuvi
URL
April 27, 2008
10:18 AM

@Ms. Anona: I totally dig Douglas Adams. He's like, on top of my I-totally-dig list, right parallely-next-to Rory Blyth.

So, well, err, I will try my hand at Sci-Fi, and see what comes out. Really. Thanks for mentionin ;)

#7
temporal
URL
April 27, 2008
12:49 PM

anona:

weekend persiflage

(besides it is a satire)

:)

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