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State Of Victimness
heartcrossings
This Metafilter post seeking help for a woman in an abusive relationship has some very thought-provoking comments from readers. Anyone who has either seen a bad relationship at close quarters or been in one themselves will be able to relate to the themes that come across. In the final analysis there is no silver bullet in the form of a combo involving getting a restraining order, packing her bags and leaving, calling the women's shelter and such like.
Leo Tolstoy said "All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Similarly, each abusive relationship is abusive in its own way. There is a fine balance of power between the abuser and abusee that lends many shades of gray to their relationship. To reduce all of that to black and white is over simplistic and does not help anyone. It takes perspective to see an abusive relationship for what it truly is - something that friends or family privy to only one side of the story most often lack.
There are a lot of generous and principled people out there who will root for the victim and do their utmost to rescue them from a toxic relationship. While they may be successful in extricating them from it, they can't do much to change the relationship copybook that the abusee creates for herself - it is fairly common to see the very same abuser-abusee pattern repeat itself in future relationships.
The medevac-ing of the victim by concerned and well meaning outsiders is akin to treating a slightly gangrenous wound by amputation. A more holistic approach would be to seek and remedy the root cause of the condition. Not many victims get the support they need to reach an honest assessment of how they contributed to and fomented their own victimness. Until they are able to do so, their self esteem will continue to be depleted causing them to gravitate to their comfort zone where being abused is a natural state of being.
State Of Victimness
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Deepti Lamba
URL
September 11, 2007
01:39 AM
Funny I get to read this after hearing the lady next door howling in pain as her husband beat her up. My maid didn't let me go there since the guy was roaring drunk.
The neighbors said its a daily affair. They fight, she gets beaten , he gets roaring drunk and they make up. Who suffers? Their five year old kid.
smallsquirrel
September 11, 2007
02:35 AM
the problem is there are little resources for women who are victims of domestic violence. there is a lot of lip service, but no programs, no shelters... so where can these women go? not back to their parents, surely... they won't take them back in many cases. and so what are they to do? they know the situation is bad, but they have kids, and where will they take them... who will take them in with children... and if they run away with the kids, how will they feed and clothe them? the women stay and hope they can protect the kids and shield them as much as possible. what other option is left to them.
and so Dee, even if you had gone over, what then? even if you stopped the man this time, next time he would beat her 2 times harder for his embarrassment, esp at the hands of another woman. without police support and an organization to help her leave, you are putting her in more danger by intervening.
Deepti Lamba
URL
September 11, 2007
09:47 AM
Maybe I could talk to her landlord he is a cop.
Sumanth
September 11, 2007
02:21 PM
Nice article.
"It is fairly common to see the very same abuser-abusee pattern repeat itself in future relationships."
As I counselled a large number of victims of circumstances in last 2.5 years, I came up with following which worked.
1) Never sympathise a victim. That makes victim enjoy the story.
2) Never get attached to a victim.
3) Listen, but cut the crap.
4) Make the victim(male or female) take responsibility.
5) Do not use the language of "Help, Advice etc" and in turn use the word "support" and "helping one's own self".
6) Believe that every person born is capable of helping himself or herself in any situation. A person just have to train the person to help herself or himself.
7) Make the person get grounded in self.
That is, cut the conversation like, "I am living for my child, my parents etc etc".
8) Cut the self pity and make the person to take responsibility.
9) Making the person realise the narrow difference between compromise and acceptance.
10) Make the person practice all that in an environment of sharing, where the person sees some "so called victims much worse off".
Winner
September 11, 2007
02:59 PM
How do you identify your victims? How do you know he is a victim and not making up a story?
Also reach your victims...to avoid court dates, give them a manual to read and know the loop holes of Indian courts and abuse on the internet
Never mind never mind...we have seen all and read all...the mirror is breaking now. :)
FF
September 12, 2007
09:04 AM
Why does a one have to be always roaring drunk to beat somebody?
If ones intention is to beat beat somebody else, he/she can do it even otherwise and I guess more potently.
Thus, Does that mean the a most men do not actually want to beat wives but it is somehow the alcohol which makes them commit violence?
FF
September 12, 2007
09:09 AM
Sumanth...Great!!!
I have seen professional counselors and doctors using exactly those remedies on the patients who approach them.
FF
September 12, 2007
09:13 AM
#5 I think you missed a letter 'h' in your name.
;)
temporal
URL
September 12, 2007
11:35 AM
FF:
someone is whining -
now, what about the extra n?
;)
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