Book Review: Spouse - Shobhaa De's Take On Marriage

Good review. I think the last word on marriage should go to Jane Austen who, ironically, never married. The character of plain-looking Charlotte Lucas muses: "Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life".

Good review. I think the last word on marriage should go to Jane Austen who, ironically, never married. The character of plain-looking Charlotte Lucas in 'Pride and Prejudice' muses: "Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life".

"Be yourself and the chances are, she'll accept you for who you are sooner or later. Don't play games, don't pretend and don't be a bloody hypocrite."

Well, Deepti, I tried that tack with my MIL, for all the good that it did, I might have just treated her like an adversary and kept my wits about me!

You should read K*shwant Singh's review of this novel.

Shobhaa Dé is eminently qualified to write on man-woman relationships and the pitfalls of matrimony. Her latest St Valentine's Day gift to her innumerable admirers is a box of mithai with her motto: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." Her first try was marrying into the wealthy Kilachand family. The second was a short-term affair with a firangi that did not lead to the altar. She briefly mentions the first but overlooks writing anything about the second.
Then she met Dilip Dé. Though no casanova, he was a shipowner, lived in a luxurious flat...

dee:

good review ...nice to see you overcome the hurdle.....get the juices flowing:)

shobha de is no angel...(anil hinted at it through khushwant's crutches;)

good words these:

This is the age of breaking antiquated molds and rules. Power games have no place at home. Mothball your ego and reach out.

am i harsh on her?...i shouldn't be...maybe age has mellowed her down and wisened her up?



anil:

read my lips

k-h-u-s-h-w-a-n-t

;)

@T: MY bad :D

That's good, because the dirty old man will be able to sign his own name as 'Khushwant Singh', as he normally does.

Are we missing any other important words? How about K*shan empire, or Ank*sh?

>> It's a pretty long journey-thirty years.

30 years huh?
Hmmm.. Should I marry?

Hmmm.. Should I marry?

depends on who u ask

Top Ten Reasons For Getting Married

10: Breakfast/tea in bed (she the first year: you the...)
9: Band-Baja and Hungama
8 : No need to go far for Guilt Activation Buttons
7 : You can fight and still make love (afterwards)
6 : No daily payments required (OK - methinks am asking for it;))
5 : You learn fast about tylenol-proof headaches (ouch!)
4 : Non battery operated daily chore reminder
3 : Keeps one's wits sharp
2 : 50/50 when you split (property settlement)
1: It is fun whoever is on top

does this merit a main page post?

and later Top Ten For Avoiding Marriage;)

Mayank: sometimes outsiders are far more objective about a 'situation' than those mired in it;)

Desigirl: If we act like them then what is the difference between us and them? And if things dont work out than shifting out is generally the best option.

Anil: Khushwant Singh should have been told that the book is about marriages and not affairs gone sour;)

temporal: No daily payment required?? we women are overall quite expensive....ask aaman how much my haircut cost him;)

Hmm, a thread on marriage without the Sith Lords - how interesting

dee:

i guessed right;)

(was asking for this)

and i will get more
you don't get it?
i will get it (more)
when M reads this list:)

There is this novel by Shobha De. Its called 'Second Thoughts'. It is about a Bombay housewife hailing from Calcutta and how her marriage breaks apart. A very good read.

There is this novel by Shobha De. Its called 'Second Thoughts'. It is about a Bombay housewife hailing from Calcutta and how her marriage breaks apart. A very good read.

t, Oh my bad;)But if you get the morning chai how bad can it get or good later on? (as you put it so well;))

Mayank, thanks for the tip, will pick it up for a light read

So many marriages are breaking apart these days. Many of them are crumbling down due to very flimsy reasons,immatured attitudes, hot headedness and wrong parental advice. Marriage means responsibility,give and take,understanding and willingness to compromise and share to an extent. However sadly we seem to be forgetting that.

Yes, it is true.Marriages are coming down like a pack of cards causing sadness, melancholy and temporary disillusionment with life. But we are not willing to come out in the open and discuss the reasons behind it . Are we afraid to face the reality?

Thanks for the review Dee. I think I will go get it. Must say I agree with many of her points, including mothballing your ego and not running to your mama with complaints about your husband or in-laws.

BTW, the above Sujata, not me, though I agree.

Deepti, you have not mentioned about her advice towards Indian Husabnd, they have to come in 21st century instead of staying in 16th century mind set.

The same allready in the bokk itslef.

Sure, at the same time in the book Shobhaa talks about a harassed husband who used to be physically beaten by his wife, she even ran him down in the neighborhood. Shobhaa applauded the guy when he began to work for the cause of abused husbands after leaving his wife.

Not only Marriage to build any relationship need a lot of pain /sacrifice and to break it needs only two seconds.

One more think, I wondered when I read that book and she says, " Till date I have seen so many wife came to her and say .. ohh my god ..when my stupid husabnds will die.. but after few years they realised what mistake they have done when the husabnd really die".

On the other hand she said, she had not seen any husabnd who say.. ohh my good when my wife will die.

At the end it is worth to read the book but wonder why she writes this book at this age?

Yeah Deepti, Shobha De can only be a light read. But have you read her memoirs 'Selective Memory'? She wrote it when she turned 50. This was a really good book. And written well.

Today the matrimonial home has become like a war zone.Lines have been drawn for the battle with each spouse at the other's throat, trying to demean,dominate, humiliate and coerce into submission the other spouse. Scope for mutual understanding and respect has given way to mutual up-manship. Extra marital affairs have soared and marriage is no longer a sanctified relationship. Lusting for some other man or woman have been glorified leading to acrimonius situations, suspicious behaviour and mutual hatred. Children have become the mute spectators of the battle ravaged homes and we are all busy claiming that we have become terrible modern, liberated and what not! Some thing is seriously wrong some where!

Malavika:

not all marriages are like that!

times are achanging...roles are changing...today's woman is not the sit-at-home kohl eyed woman...she is the other wheel in the tricycle

in the end tho'...marriage is about continuos adjustments and compromises...and respect is a very important quotient in that

temporal...
Respect was and is a important quotient.No harmonious relation has ever worked without it in past or will ever work in future.
Also the statement that "not all marriages are like that!" has less truth but has more of a message of self condolence in it. Most marriages have truely become like that. Marriages have become a two bull bullock cart with each bull trying to pull towards its own side. Marriage has become a battle ground of proving who is better/superior. The compassion, understanding, sensitivity towards relations/elders, belief in sanctity of institution of marriage have been overcome with ego, personal fancies,luxries,freedom and greed for money. Divorce is becoming an viable option even before entering into a nuptial bond. People hardly believe that they will ever be able to spend entire life with single individual. Women enter into job not because they want to work/earn for family, but because they want to easy escape from households and are of the opinion that office job is easier to manage than a household tasks. They want to spend more on themselves than ever before and donot want anybody questioning their expense sheet, even if it is at the expense of well being of their house. Their extravagent style has become so pronounced that all mordren day companies from everyday use to car companies are relying on opinions collected primarily from women customers. Recently a study was undertaken by a group of business companies and they found that women are increasingly having highly influential role in total household spending on various items.That is one of the reason that we see increasing number of women(and kids) in our advertisements.

The concept of sacrifice and selfless commitment to a relation has almost vanished. Everybody preaches Gita of not expecting fruit but keep on doing your own karma, but nobody is willing to follow it.

hardy:

your comments are hard on the eyes:)

please break them into paragraphs for easier read

Also the statement that "not all marriages are like that!" has less truth but has more of a message of self condolence in it.

hunh?...have no idea what you are saying

Marriages have become a two bull bullock cart with each bull trying to pull towards its own side.


i don't know about this :(

for me the marriage is a tricycle...as mahajirzadeh used to pontificate:

Marriage is a tricycle. The two rear wheels are the spouses. The third wheel is fate. When the two read wheels move in unison (same direction and speed) and Fate smiles the tricycle moves smoothly

Oops...My mistake..I tend to write directly into web page. May be I should compile first in another app and copy/paste into the slot.Thanks to temporal.

If fate was to give direction to a tricycle, their would have been much more accidents on roads. There is probably a flaw in that model but then that probably explains why one is seeing so many divorce cases, deluded marriages.

I thought wheels were not a symbol of propelling force, they are their just to depict the importance of balance in any movement. Wheels always move in same direction and with speed(proportional to their size).

BTW, The analogy to a bullock cart was given by my grandma. She said it takes some time for each bull to recognize pattern, habit and nature of the other one. Every pair has a problem initially but once they understand each other, the journey becomes smoother. Parents have to give direction initially and once the two start falling into a pattern no further directions are required. They move smoothly hence forth.

Wheels always move in same direction and with speed(proportional to their size).

not always:)

in a turning vehicle, for instance, the outer wheels rotate at a faster rate than the inner wheels:)

fate (in the tricycle) is the imponderable in any relationship...translation: some times things do go wrong despite the best intentions of the participanst

ps: thanks for the paragraphs

U r right. It is case with all 4 wheelers.
But tricycle(the usual rickshaw) I guess has a single axle which keeps wheels from going out of sync/speed. Else not sure what kind of tricycle you are talking about.
hummm....Am i right?

Temporal has said "Women are not the sit-at-home kohl eyed woman and times have changed". Temporal, I do not know whether you are a man or a woman.If you are a man , it is time you shut up instead of mouthing standard women's lib jargons that we , women , are seeing for the last three decades and of which we are growing tired of. And if you are a woman, it is time you started smelling the coffee.
I do not know what your age is , what your experience in life is and how many marriages you have seen breaking up due to one's own flimsy atttitude and it's resultant consequenses and aftermath. You are just a young person who is blindly mouthing what has been taught to him/her, without really facing the consequences in real life.
Temporal, I am talking about real women with real lives who have made a mess of their lives themselves by taking stupid and irrational decisions. Women are definitely not the the sit-at-home kohl eyed woman and no body wants them to be. But one needs a healthy marriage to live a balanced and fulfilling life. If women are no longer the sit at home types , does it mean that she does not have the right to have a complete life also ? If she breakes her own marriage due to her own flimsy behaviour, then may be you are not aware of the emotional consequenses and turmoil. I am a working mother with a broken marriage and I know strings of women with the same condition and there is no glory in it.
It is time women start smelling the coffee very clearly. THERE IS NO GLORY IN MESSING UP WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. TEMPORAL , YOU ARE JUST A KID WITH DREAMS IN YOUR EYES,AND YOU ARE YET TO MESS UP WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. WHEN YOU DO IT , YOU REALISE THE BITTEREST TRUTH THAT YOU HAVE ONLY ONE LIFE TO LEAD AND THINGS CAN NEVER BE BROUGHT BACK TO THE SAME CONDITION EVER AGAIN, HOW SO EVER YOU MAY WISH IT TO BE.FEMINISTS JARGONS WILL BE OF NO AVAIL THEN.

Malavika has rightly said " THERE IS NO GLORY IN MESSING UP WITH YOUR OWN LIFE... YOU HAVE ONLY ONE LIFE TO LEAD ..."
It is very true that too many lives have been distorted and experemented upon in the name of feminism and there is no open discussion regarding it. Some how,there is a tremendous unwillingness on the part of women, who claim to represent feminists and write articles in the media, to come out with this aspect of the lives of women. There is a tremendous inertia bordering to fear,paronia and the fear of getting "exposed", when such issues are raised.

Deepti,

We did track Shobhaa De and her transformed self as soon as she wrote "Spouse" and the article "Power Babe's Booby Traps" in the-week.

You wrote:
"Unlike the image that most Indians have of Shobhaa as being a man-hating feminist, her self deprecating and brutal self-reflection on her own weaknesses that have been the cause of a few minor skirmishes at home show her to be a sensible, mature woman."

Why? Because the good old feminist has 2 sons and she is damn scared that the wheel can turn a complete cycle and come back to her.

---------------------------------
My Mom herself is diehard feminist and "her" brothers-in-laws (being frustrated by her feminism) joined hands with "my" in-laws (??) to verbally abuse and harass her. This continued for 4-years.
---------------------------------

The old feminists are learning lessons and they deserve no points for their so called "maturity".

Sujatha:

You wrote:
"So many marriages are breaking apart these days. Many of them are crumbling down due to very flimsy reasons,immatured attitudes, hot headedness and wrong parental advice."

The real culprits for marriage breakup are "MEDIA" and parental interference(from both sides). Now, a days some parents of girls look at the alimony than the welfare of their daughter.

The Media glorifies divorce and make it sound simple. It never presents the painful side of it. The people of earlier generation lack common sense, balance, emotional intelligence and even spirituality; yet they think that they are smart and like to throw their weight around.

Sumanth, if someone realizes the errors in their way then they do get brownie points atleast from me:)

I have been following the opinions being expressed here. The institution of marriage needed to be reformed, there is no doubt about it.Women needed to be educated ,feel important, and be economically independent.Hence , we cannot blame feminism , lock, stock and barrel. But yes, things, have ben distorted and lives of many women have been mistakenly twisted. I myself know many such women, who at a later stage had repented quite badly the decisions they had taken or were made to take under the mistaken impression that if they behaved in a particular manner , it made them highly liberated.

"The old feminists are learning lessons and they deserve no points for their so called "maturity"." , this may be your observation, but for me they are trying to hide thier face instead of openly say , " Yes I have done the worng and killed the nice institution of marriage realtionship for the shack of money."

Wonder how many so called feminist divorced women openly accept that she had taken X.lacks from her husabnd through Legal terrorism, including Ms. Sobha De.

Deepti, I do not agree with your view " if someone realizes the errors"..etc, as then I have to use the same term and logic for Abu Salem or Monika Bedi. In my eyes such people will never ever earn a place of honest citizen of India.

Feminism is not ugly. It has given women a new founded identity, respect and confidence.But indeed, certain aspects of it has not been grounded on well placed logic.Many women have and are still jeoparding their lives under the impression that they are liberating themselves, while in fact they are just living badly and taking atrocious decisions about their own lives.
Even Soobha De in her book expresses regret about the earlier broken marriage and stresses that she should have been more matured,level headed and reasonable. Ms De is a popular, well- to-do woman who has married again, is well settled and is affluent. But all women are not so lucky!

"ism" and "action" Indian people wittness are not the same.

Result killing of lovely Institution of marriage and convert that to a Money earning business.
Future....
More and more crime, more and more single mother with or without child, so let the "ism" and "action" continue the way it is and wait for the day when the water goes above everyone's head.

Then only so called LAW maker will take the action.
Till the time just enjoy the family breaker Indian Laws..and huge domestic violence.

Yes, there is a lot of regret which many women feel afterwards especially if you are yourself the cause of the broken marriage.I have gone through the same and know umpteen women suffering the same plight. But there is one bitter realisation AND IT IS that you have only one life to lead and you have messed it up and there are no choices available now. You have to put up with the grim reality through out your lives.
After the fights, battle of egos and whimsical fancies leading to the disruption of your marriage, the greatest leveller is the courts. One does not expect the long drawn procedures,delays,scheming laweyers and the unrelenting husband who is equally keen to fight every inch of it in the court. And soon reality dawns.
Then comes the sex and the physical closeness of a man , that we take for granted and is no longer there. Friends start asking intimate questions and relatives are ever curious to know the juicy details and who was right or wrong.You just want to avoid them all. Your parents have "hurt" written all over thir faces.You move in with your parents and there is gloom all over the house which depresses you even further.
It takes a couple of years to shrug off the depression and you want to start "afresh" i.e. start looking for a new partner.Then the truth jolts you. You already had a partner and you willfully shattered the relation just to again look for a new partner? Why break the earlier relation then? More over getting a new partner is not easy, a fact which you again realise.You are now a divorcee and nobody wants to marry one. Only divorcees marry divorcees.You have a shady past and it sticks to you.Mojority of the men think that you are on the hunt for sex only and they want only sexual liason from you and nothing more.You start growing older and no body wants to bed an old haggard especially when so many young college girls are freely available today for sex.Reality gradually sinks in.
Your depression grows.You start feeling lonely,depressed and at timen suicidal. Your parents start getting old and you are dumped with taking care of two more depressed, old people.You yearn for the old times,yearn to have a family for yourself, to have children of your own.But things can not change.
THEN YOU START CURSING FEMINISM FOR DRILLING ALL THE WRONG NOTIONS,PERCEPTIONS AND GARBAGE INTO YOUR HEAD.

Check the Court statstics more than 55% divorce case filed by wifes only and less than 15% by husabnds only.So your logic and story does not support. Breakage of marriage due to girls family only and treating ATM machine wife's family , it is a crime. Now if you can't save your wife, let the law punish hang to death to you, but why to blame your parents?

On the other hand, treating Husabnd and thier family as a ATM machine by wife and thier family members is not a crime, it is a well fare activity..right?
Why this double standared?

So manav the value of " Institutions of marriage" when get killed , who will be suffer more and more?

Good try , but reality and truth can't be hide.

You have both the options, no one putting any gun in any one's head. It is your choice to decided what you want.

Comment #11, Aaman: “Hmm, a thread on marriage without the Sith Lords - how interesting”(Sirji what eggjactly do u have in ur mind, when u wrote this?, what’s/who’s Sith Lords?)

Malavika(comments 32&40), first of all Congrats!, not since you wrote unmitigated thoughts from your life-experiences, but because you messed up with the DC Demi-God... Mr.Temporal :), big huggg for that(“TEMPORAL , YOU ARE JUST A KID WITH DREAMS IN YOUR EYES,AND YOU ARE YET TO MESS UP WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. WHEN YOU DO IT , YOU REALISE THE BITTEREST TRUTH THAT YOU HAVE ONLY ONE LIFE TO LEAD AND THINGS CAN NEVER BE BROUGHT BACK TO THE SAME CONDITION EVER AGAIN, HOW SO EVER YOU MAY WISH IT TO BE.FEMINISTS JARGONS WILL BE OF NO AVAIL THEN.”).

But, Malavika, from whatever I followed at DC(mostly T’s one-line oh-so-confusing(may be because the origin itself is a confused/cluttered one, me thinks) comments!) for the last 3-4 months I have come to understand that this demi-god is quite old(or rather he intentional slips hints, of him being old, in between his one-line, know-it-all comments all over DC). I am particularly happy about u giving a pot-shot to T, since I was hesitating to do it for a long time(just because this guy is as slippery as an eel, at its prime!).

So buddy, I expect you to get upset about this Mr.know-all’s all pervasive and ill-thought of comments(some times he does write sense, most of the time his intention seems to be to be father English dictionary!), as you should naturally be, even in the days to come, I would join you whenever possible(net access for me is a bit rare now a days).

Vijyeta, commet# 36: Where have you all been, do write more about being sane and prudent in relationships, the world tody needs it more than anything else.

Keep it up buds, thrash the infidels, no mercy ;). I am sure DC is going to clip this comment with no mercy, like hell hath no fury…….

I am loving it :)

Well, yes! Mallavika has come out very clearly with certain issues. We need to talk about such issues more openly and candidly, even if it means being critical about feminism, as they are affecting more and more women today. We seem to be falling into some kind of a vicious trap.
What is surprising is that women who write in newspapers and in women's magazines never discuss these issues dispite the fact that more and more women are undergoing the same trauma. May be they are afraid that it may lead to critising feminism. But these are real issues affecting real women and this malace is spreading rapidly in our society.

A large number of women are undergoing similar plights and turmoil and they are not prepared for it. They have been painted a rosy picture but the reality is harsh.
I am not saying that one should put up with a loveless,demeaning and degrading marriage, but with 1/3rd of marriages breaking down and most of it due to flimsy,irrelevant grounds or due to rising extra marital affairs, it is time we start re-teaching women some facts of life. Jargons, cliches and wild ideas may look impressive on paper but when followed in real life, they throw up different dimensions.
It is also most surprising as to why feminists are so quiet. After all they represent women and their problems but they do not want to discuss these issues.As a result women are today being led to believe in ideas which are far from reality and women are being made to live unreal and warped lives.

Aditi and Vijyeta, by the way the issue is Justice against Injustice, Victims against Victimisers/Abusers, and not Man against woman or MCPs against Feminists!.

Crime is crime, whatever may the gender of the criminal. And hence we are against any kind of abuse/cruelty/harassment done by anyone(irrespective of their gender).

It's a welcome change that we are seeing here, women showing the guts to share their experiences, even though it could be misconstrued against them. I remember Martin Luther King here:

"Cowardice asks...."Is it safe?" Expedience asks...."Is it politic?" Vanity asks...."Is it popular?" There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, politic, nor popular, but one must take it because it is right: Martin Luther King, Jr." Coutesey: http://cruiserdeep.blogspot.com/2006/01/cowardice-asks.html

A full salute to all the gutsy women out there who love their families :)

i guess ms malavika spoke from her experience. and i do respect her choices and her regrets. no one can live other's life.

i do not think feminists are to be blamed. why blame anyone, there are all kind of 'isms' available at any given point of time.

where is the question of choice? as an adult? and if i made a 'mistake' choosing a path which i later regret, do i blame the path or my choice?

and again it is personal - the choices that we make and what appeals to US at a given point of time and in a context.

and is it not what feminists talk about that in a male oriented world a divorcee is seen as 'available'? is it not necessary to change the attitudes?

and what about this being a divorcee? if only divorcees are available to divorcees so what's wrong with it? are divorcees not human?

if the institution of marriage is 'egalitarian' in its existence it is fine. but is it?

i know women in my family who have divorced - they chose to be rather a 'divorcee' than face indignity in a love-less humiliating, dehumanizing relationship. is it gutsy or being foolish?

the jury is still out.

and why should these women carry the responsibility of keeping the 'institution' of marriage up? what is the role of men who are involved in the issue?

there are more greys - it is not simple black and white.

unless blind hate borne out of unfortunate personal experiences becomes an agenda - for both women and men. in my humble view.

Balaji


What makes you think she is a real woman and not a SIF in disguise!

I thought you would know better.

You are right feminist orgs dont come to people's house to break families, nor does NCW paint the internet with their dirty remarks and if you visit NCW.com , you dont feel you are visiting a porn site.


And I love your question "what is the role of men who are involved in the issue?"

But again not all men are dumb, there are nice ones out there who have had successful marraiges by balancing his own parents and wife and not getting greedy for wife's money in the name of dowry!

# 32, 33, 36, 37, 39, 40 , 41, 42, 43, 44

**yawn**

chatting with your ownself , now what is that !called multidimential strategy.

*** yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnnnn***

It is pathetic to see that I am being viewed as a man who is a SIF agent or some thing like that!I mean, it is too ridiculous.You can ask the SIF guys if they know me. These SIF guys are no better as they also argue and think in a one track fashion and they play the same tune again and again that it irritates you.
Moreover , why is that feminists feel so threatened if they are criticised and that too by women? Why do they feel so rattled that they start coming out with wild accusations!
Lives of women are getting warped and if it is pointed out, all that feminists come out with is that it is a "male propaganda"!!!!!In which planet are we living?Why are we so obsessed with male propaganda that we deliberately over look our own fallacies? Why are we so desperate to project that we are all O.K.

Chill..I was not refering about you. Why are you getting so worked up!!

My dig was at Temproral honey.

But your reaction is making me think twice :)

Dear temporal now I understood (though I always knew)why you say so little, I wanted to give clarification to #42. I hope he gets the picture.

Malavika,

Now coming to your question
"Why are we so desperate to project that we are all O.K."

Speak only for yourself. I am fine and blessed. I am a feminist , I am least threatened and I am happily married. There goes your theory of "WE" in the garb. If this is the attitude then you can never be happy and will put blame on others and feminist etc who are not even entitites.

Let me quote Temporal,

Don't paint evryone with one brush.

Sangeeta, sorry for the outburst and the 'we" factor. I have been a feminist and I believe in rights for women especially so when we women have been given a raw deal by the male dominated society for ages. See the change in women today and how our grandmothers had or were made to live.But that is not the question. Some changes sought to be brought in were immatured and had caused misgivings. We should understand, identify and rectify them rather than try to justify them.That was the only point I wanted to make.

Till the time, men stop considering that women are weak and men are responsible for it, patriarchy will thrieve.

Hunger for sex gives rise to male chivalry (which is just another face of male chauvinism) though many claim chivalry as a great virtue.

The hidden male chauvinists (hiding behind chivalry) are the real "dowry taking" culprits.

So far as women's empowerment is concerned, who in following has a chance of being more powerful?

1) Kiran Shaw Majumdar
or
2) Her office peon's wife

True Power just like happiness is an internal (not external) phenomenon.

I fail to understand as to why should Malavika sound so apologetic. She had done no wrong. She only expressed her frank and honest opinion. What she said is not untrue. There are issues regarding women today which need to be discussed urgently, but however we find them to be avoided.
Today there is a growing inclination among young women and even teenagers to join prostitution rackets. They are dreamy eyed youngsters who think that they are terribly emancipated and are grossly unaware of the consequences- emotional. psychological and otherwise. They are being sucked into a sordid world of pimps, blackmail, rape , sexual abuse, emotional battering, low self esteem and intense guilt . feeling and they are not even being warned of the consequences ! . What are the age of such girls? They come within the age group of 17-24 and they have already twisted and distorted their lives beyond recognition and the number of such girls are on the rise. It is not that poverty drives them to such a behavior. They are girls from well-to do families and are well educated.
What has led to such a drastic change of attitude, have we ever asked ourselves? Do we ever find these phenomenon being discussed in newspapers and women's magazines? No, why? Because the answer is obvious! If you start analyzing dispassionately, it emerges that it is due to the sexual promiscuity and waywardness promoted in the garb of women's emancipation. If women start raising such issues, she is then accused of siding with male activists or some other such dubious groups like SIF. What is this? Women can not even talk about the problems that is eating into their existences if it tantamount to criticising feminism?

Manav correction in your statement,"But again not all women are dumb, there are nice ones out there who have had successful marraiges by balancing her own parents and husabnd and not getting greedy for husband's money in the name of dowry( sowry) like a free ATM machine!"

Manav - whatt ever you have tired to say is recornised as a crime as per Indian Law and the same really happened or not , all will be behind tha bar without any investigation.

Now tell me why the above which I tired to say is not a considered a crime , or it is a nobel work?
Or
You want a whole sale free lincence to do the crime and get soct free? Let make all the marrige or any crime on the basis of crime , let make 498A, maintance,child custedy..etc all as per spouse instead of husabnd/wife or men/women.
Why such dadagri LAW ?

That is the question to be asked.

P.S.Aaman, this comment realted to #47 Manav. If want to delete both to be deleted.

I am a mother of two growing daughters and I am really haunted by the prospects of their getting astray. Things have changed these days and you really do not know what your daughters may be up to. Attitudes and morals have gone for a six.

[PERSONAL INFORMATION NOT ALLOWED]

Let her to reply and if dc modertor want the evidence I can give the scan copy of that letter.

Balaji.

1. As you asked "and what about this being a divorcee? if only divorcees are available to divorcees so what's wrong with it? are divorcees not human?" - The worng is in the name of divorce earning money. If any women who had divorced her husabnd without money , i grnatee a lot of Youn unmarried guy also will be available at her feet. But stastics shows different.

2. Another question, "and why should these women carry the responsibility of keeping the 'institution' of marriage up? what is the role of men who are involved in the issue?"

- Here also no force to any women or men. It is her/him own choice. The question we have to ask who need the "Institution of marrige" more for a stable and happy life --- men or women?

Just a women marry some TOM,dick or harry , in the next second she is eligable of 50% all the property right from her husabnd, in return what they offer, if the husabnd can't fulfill her illogical demand, send them behind the bar, ensure that thier high paid job should go immediately.
Such type of divorce have to find a divorce men only.

Where as those divorced men easily find young girls for thier partner.

As a result , though the divorce women and men are equal, still the unmarried divorce women are more due to non available of enough divorced men( as more than 70% divorced men easily find the un married girls).

The logic says , let it be men or women, thosugh as per LAW men have to pay the price for break up of any marriage , but reality is divorced men are more straight forward and honest in life, they have not learn the art of cheating a women, as a result after divorce also they find thier soulmate easily.
On the other hand, inspite of getting all the facility , those women want 150% from thier husabnd instead of 50%, end up in break up of marrige and such divorce women find very difficult to get a divorced men also, forget about a unmarried guy.

That is the reality , LAW can be biased but the realtionship can't be made with the money power.

So choice is to individuals to belive , you want a free meal withoput taking any responsibility or a meal with hard work and by fulfilling the whole responsibility.

Demand 50% it is your right( in every termsfacility as well as responsibility), but do not demand 150%facility and -50% responsibility- it does not work.

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>> What is surprising is that women who write in
>> newspapers and in women's magazines never
>> discuss these issues dispite the fact

Columnists write in media for a livelihood. Ever remember the stock market columns & talk shows duirng the internet bubble days around the turn of century? Every columnist was an instant expert on technology stocks - goading listners into a frenzy of "buy this, but that". What happened after 2001 march is history. Most of these expert stock advisors curled their tails & retreated into anonymity.

One can obeserve the same trend in the drumbeat to iraq war. All those media experts who suddenly discovered that Saddam Hussain has missiles pointed at their backyards, started promoting a baseless war that profited only the corporations. 7 years from then, a lot of them are 'discovering' that after all these years Bush &c were plainly lying.

BOTTOM LINE: Media panders to what is considered the 'new, upbeat & chic' trend & profits from it. Who wants to read a re-rendition of the Ramayana in their newspapers? Or the life & biography of Kasturibai Gandhi? Feminist agenda that dominated the social scape of the United States & Media mostly during late 1960s is still fresh & has unsold potential in Indian media. If the results start showing up after years of this 'sale', pretend that either those sour grapes dont exist, or you the writer never existed.

Neither Sobha De, nor any 'expert' has universal answers to marriage, which is as much of an in individual institution as it is a social institution. Marriage, like any other human endeavour, needs nurturing development, care, responsibility, comprmise, giving in & is a long term investment. There are no short & easy answers or tricks. This last paragraph of SD is much in contrast to her life time job as a caricaturist of men. If any of you picked a latest copy of Femina or such, you know what I mean - a 3rd rate pornography magazine wouldn't do it any better.

Some folks here talked about the bias in the law that will put divorced women at a disadvantage. But the problem also lies elsewhere - with the psychological damage undergone by a divorcee, be them men or women. A distressed relationship makes human beings treat everyone around them suspciously & makes new relations very difficult, if not impossible.

On a different note:
Feminism is a high middle class to upper middle class problem - where women discovered that their earnings are the same has their husbands' & hence demand they they will play by the same rules as their male counterparts . For the poor or the working class, it is a struggle for existence. They simply do not have the economic means to exercise the same rights as their upper middle class counterparts (women). These uppercrust feminists could not care less. If at all, the middle class women buy their freedom by employing servant maids, washer women & baby sitters. How would these less forutnate women buy their freedom from?

There is no denying that the male-female inquality gets worse we descend down in the social hierarcy. But banding feminism as one and the same problem across all social classes is bogus. If at all, the upper crusters show their never improving lower class counterparts as an alibi for extracting excessive legal concessions.

I find Shobhaa De irritating. She's just famous for being famous.